I went out to dinner once with my ex, his folks, my current husband, & his Mom. It helps that my ex & I are friends, but it’s not every day you introduce your Mother-in-law to your ex Mother-in-law, you know?!
I’m glad you are doing this for your son. I’m a divorced kid & my folks couldn’t really be around each other for a long time.
I just came in to say that I went to Hallboy’s USAF BMT graduation in San Antonio the second week of February (2013) and it was amazing. NOTHING prepares you for seeing your kid–who is no longer a kid at that point–in the dress uniform.
Take a lot of pictures, more than you ever think you will want or need. Take pictures of the most mundane things, like when your kid eats his first meal in 8 weeks that isn’t chow hall food. Or, he introduces you to his MTI, or the fellow Airmen he’s been hanging out with for the past 8 weeks. Or when he’s walking out of his dorm to meet you all for his Town Pass and he’s with a group of other Airmen and you don’t even realize this is the person you’ve been raising for the past 18+ years until he’s a few feet in front of you.
And bring tissues–lots of them. You’ll need them every single second that you’re there. You’ll cry because you’re surprised, because you’re amazed, because you’re in disbelief that your kid has now become someone you’re so stinking proud of, even if you were proud of him before.
And have a blast because when you kiss and hug him goodbye on Sunday evening and he has tears in his eyes, and you have tears in your eyes and everyone is trying to take last minute pictures (because OHMYGOD, we forgot to take enough pictures!), it’ll dawn on you that it may be awhile before you see him again.
But you’ll still be so dang proud you’ll want to burst. Then everyone can cry on the way home, in the SUV, together.
And congratulations to your son.
Cartooniverse, I’d start with your crew by sharing how grateful you are that they are all so invested in being there for your son during this time, and how much it will mean to your son. Make sure their focus is on your Airman, not any drama they may bring into the mix.
Once you’re there, ask your son what he’d like to do–remember, this graduation weekend is the first time he’s had to breathe in 8 weeks. Some want to sleep and they all want to eat (Hallboy, a very fit and slender young man going in, lost 15 lbs in 8 weeks, even though he ate like a horse.). Every phone call we had when Hallboy was in BMT, there was something about food mentioned–he wanted candy, and pizza, and hamburgers. Once, he got very excited because he’d had a cookie in his MRE during BEAST. 
Hallboy wanted some down time–some time to sit and listen to his music on his iPod which I brought (which he hadn’t had in 8 weeks!) and just relax. For us, that meant finding a quite spot when he had Base Liberty and just sitting and talking and hanging out. When he had Town Pass, that meant driving through McDonalds (for him) and hanging out at the hotel for a bit.
We did do Sea World (your Airman gets in for free, plus can have up to four guest for FREE, but he needs to get paperwork beforehand. His MTI may be able to tell him how that’s done). We also did Riverwalk (head to Lulu’s Diner first for a three pound cinnamon roll!) and did a boat tour there.
Funny thing, when we got on the boat for the tour, and the “captain” was giving us a welcome speech, and then said, “And today, we have a very special guest with us for this tour”. We were all looking around like, “Wow, who is on this tour?” and the captain turned to Hallboy and said with complete sincerity, “Sir, thank you for your service to our county.”
There is stuff you can do on base (bowling alley, pinball, etc.), but he may want to just show you around base–where he sends his laundry, where he used a computer (!), etc. His world has been very limited and controlled for 8 weeks and he may (like Hallboy did) just want to be, ya’ know? He may also have a very different attitude towards those who are there for him now–Hallboy, one who was always grateful and appreciative, was even more so.
See if you can work it so that he can spend a bit of time with each of you, individually, even if it’s only 15 minutes or so. Especially since he may become overwhelmed at times–an emotional overwhelming, not so much physical or mental.
His MTI will brief him on the do’s and don’ts for both Base Liberty and Town Pass–including where he can go and what he can do. However, every single person that’s in that SUV should also know. Everyone will be excited and emotional and someone may forget that your Airman MUST stay on base during Base Liberty and take the bridge over to the other section of base, and not go through the gates (and off base).
And expect a lot of “Yes, sirs”, especially in the beginning. 
I miss him this much more for reading this. What priceless info this is. May I PM you?
Absolutely.
I was so hungry for any information I could get while Hallboy was there.
First of all, many thanks to the Dopers who have chimed in here. Especially to phall0106, whose notes here and PM’s eased a LOT of fear of the unknown. Way to go Dopers !
The list of Players in what became quite the Drama:
Toons: Me.The father and Doper.
Dearly Beloved (DB) My wife of lo these last 3 years. 
Ex: Ex-wife of a sad bad 23 year marriage. Mother of 2 adopted kids.
Airman: The real focus of the weekend, or so I’d have hoped. :rolleyes:
FemBot: 21 year old daughter. 16 months younger than Airman.
The location: Lackland AFB. San Antonio, Texas.
We arrived Wed afternoon. Stopped at Porky’s BBQ off of the 410 Loop for lunch. What says " I’ve arrived in Texas!" better than ordering a 1/2 pound burger?
Checked into motel 1/2 Mile from the main gate to Lackland. Scoped it out, went to main gate and asked a few questions. FemBot was added to the trip after we’d arranged with Base Passes for DB and I. Lacking a Base Pass, FemBot couldn’t go with us. They gave us the skinny.
Drove to airport, picked up FemBot. She was a bit cranky from many hours of air travel. ( DB and I fly routinely and are quite accustomed to the rigors of stripping down for the TSA, etc. ). Took FemBot back to Porkys so she could get lunch. Now it’s… about 6 pm. Ex was supposed to land around 10pm. I’d offered to drive back up and pick her up. Db and I were determined to try to make this weekend as peaceful and Airman-focused as possible. This included things like offering to get Ex at the airport instead of going to sleep and letting her spring for the $ 40 bucks to take a shuttle down to the motel.
We’re sitting in Porky’s. Ex texts FemBot. " Stuck in Newburgh NY. Detroit closed due to storming." Then texts saying she was flying to Detroit. All good so far. We dawdle and watch FemBot eat her dinner. ( the 1/2 pound burger I’d had was still satisfying me, 4 hours later 
). Ex texts. " I’m in Detroit. It’s bad. Few flights leaving. Most canceled. Missed my connection to San Antonio." DB and I get on our smartphones and laptop and start hunting for a connection so Ex can make it there Wed night. It was not good that she might miss the Coin Ceremony on Thursday morning, or the early morning Airman’s Run.
See, Ex had had a spectacularly cruel phone call with me in which she stated that DB had no business at the Coin Ceremony OR Graduation since she was no the kids’ Mom or family at all. She made it clear that DB was not welcome to come down off of the stands and be a part of the “Tapping Out” moment that’s frequently the source of much happy weeping and joyful meaningful moments. I let her barbs go, and said that DB was going to be a part of it. We negotiated that Ex would Tap Out Airman at the Coin Ceremony and I’d tap him out at the Graduation the next day. FemBot would do it with her mother, DB would walk down with me to tap him out. Fine.
So, we’re hunting for flights. No dice. DB and I have both been in this position: Once an airport collapses all flights and hundreds if not thousands are stranded, the pressure shifts from contacting airlines to contacting all local hotels. We got on finding Ex a room for the night. DB found her one for $ 77 at the airport, we paid for it to secure it and she was good to go. She told us the next day that it was a good thing that she’d had the room paid for. All “Airline Room Vouchers” were turned away as " we don’t have any rooms left". She’d have slept at the airport. I don’t love her, and I don’t like her, but I sure didn’t want my kids’ mother sleeping on the floor at the Detroit airport.
She had secured a flight that got her to San Antonio by 12:45, and to base by 1:30 if she hustled. She was to miss both ceremonies that day and she knew it. I had no great triumphant moment there. I knew that DB and I were to have our special moment the following day. I figured we’d all switch, and she could Tap him Out at Graduation instead. ( I didn’t care which one I did. I really didn’t. Just wanted to have one of them not involve her face to face there … )
We wake up at 5:30 Thursday. Get to base by 6:30 as suggested so we could park close to the review Pad next to the BMT ( Basic Military Training reception center ). That’s where both the Airman’s Run and Coin Ceremony were to occur. Cold overcast windy. Interesting and intense in a very Military way, that Parents/ Spouses Orientation. “You will do this THIS way”, etc. Made me realize the life Airman was leading now. I liked it.
Went outside to watch the Airman’s Run. Families line both sides of 2 lane roadway. All Flights ( groups of roughly 40-42 men or women ) run by, a part of a 1.5 mile run. Rain kicks in. Heavy gusting winds. The Airmen approach. DB and I are in poncho’s. FemBot has an umbrella from Burberry. ( (url=“http://www.redmeetsblue.com.au/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/iphone-wallpaper-burberry-pattern-550x366.jpg”]That familiar pattern? ). As Airman’s flight approaches, we see him running. First view !! Major league excited. All Trainees ( as they are called until AFTER their Coin Ceremony ) have their Military Bearing game faces on. No glances. No smiles. Workin’. Runnin’.
Just as Airman draws near, he glances over towards us and a tiny smile flicks on his face. Then eyes ahead, no smile, keeps running. We were delighted- he’d seen us among the families, among the blur of rain-drenched people !. ( Turns out later we were dead wrong. He recognized the Burberry umbrella pattern that FemBot was holding and figured that must be his sister there ( since he’d worked retail in a Burberry store before enlisting and knew that was his umbrella ).
Smiling and laughing, in we go to the BMT Center to try to dry off before the Coin Ceremony. Out we go, find our seat. They handed out a map so we positioned ourselves in where we thought was a good spot. By good luck, Airman was in the front line as his flight lined up after marching in. We could watch him stand at motionless expressionless attention for endless minutes. He got his Coin from his MTI. ( Military Training Instructor ). Slipped it into his pocked. Never glanced. Never moved aside from accepting the coin.
I didn’t bawl. I went down, walked up to him, touched his shoulder and gave him a quick hug. ( as instructed. " 3 seconds or less. No kissing "). Once tapped out he could relax out of standing at attention and could hug us quickly and kiss his sister fast. It was something else…
I didn’t want us to go into his Dormitory ( Not Barracks !! ) or see anything of substance before Ex made her way there. I explained her absence as soon as I hugged him so he wouldn’t be concerned. We took him to the BX for a few things he’d asked us to get him in letters home. Doing the shopping was pretty emotion-free and so I figured since DB and I were giving him these items and gifts, Ex wouldn’t care if she missed that time spent. We took care of that and by then heard from Ex. She was at the Motel, changed clothing and was getting a shuttle to the Main Gate.
We drove over. I got Airman and FemBot out, told them to wait for their Mom there inside the Gate. DB and I drove away and parked a bit. So they could have a reunion sans me or DB. They met up, talked for a bit ( still a wicked cold breeze blowing ) and then walked over to the car and got in.
The tension coming off of Ex was palpable. It never let up and as we found out by the end of the weekend, the tension was given voice and she was relentlessly cruel regarding myself and DB and her own anger. But I digress…
We headed off to get the boy some lunch. True to what was written here, he wanted to eat copious amounts nonstop. NOT unusual for the lad. He’d gained 3 pounds of muscle and shed what little body fat I could see on him. His clothing were all smaller and trimmer, his face tight and narrowed some. Quite remarkable.
After lunch we walked around more and had a light dinner at the BBQ place on Base. Atrociously lousy food. After we ate we dropped him off near his dormitory. We drove back to motel. Parted company. ( not only no adjoining room- but different buildings by luck ! However, our room faced theirs as Ex and FemBot were sharing. Easy to swap kids and meet up. ).
Text at 6am from FemBot. Apparently Ex has been up since 2am. Sick. Very sick. Food poisoning she feels. We head over. Indeed, having lived with her for 23 years, I can tell she ain’t fakin’ it. Shaky, pale, etc. Pulse a bit light but not racy. She felt food poisoning. I was guessing both that and dehydration. ( no food, little water for 24 hours, sick to stomach etc). I drove to Walgreen’s, bought her Pedialyte and Emetrol to control her nausea,a thermometer and a few bags of pretzels and crackers. Urged her to drink the bottle slowly and add water now and then. Off we went to get parked and shuttle to the Graduation. This is held on a gigantic Parade Grounds, surrounded by airplanes. Real once. Damned gorgeous area.
Ex had no idea if she would make it to Graduation. More stress- I knew Airman would be very sad if she wasn’t the one to Tap him Out there as well. Not much to be done, though. FemBot was torn. Didn’t want to leave her mother, who if she crashed more and didn’t turn a corner would head off to a local hospital for I.V. fluids. ( this is the third event of this nature in the last 9 months apparently )
Ex felt better and arrived prior to Graduation. Thank god. I really did not want her to miss all of the key events. She sat with us, we talked, etc. She looked much better.
We realized we’d NEVER find them if we let her and FemBot go Tap him out without us. So we headed down behind them, hung back and followed and let them have their moments alone to be with him and Tap him Out. Then we walked up, got our hugs and took some photos.
From that moment on he had Town Pass. He could come and go with us ( NOT alone ) as we wished. We went to see his Dormitory. 4 floor walk up on steel cut steps so one can see DOWN 4 floors. :eek:
Loved seeing the intense neatness of it. Unlike him !! He got " VolunTold" to do laundry detail the entire time. Why? Because Ex and I made sure he knew how to do laundry in Middle School and into HS. By end of HS he did all his own laundry properly. So…when asked who knew how to do laundry, he said he knew. Big mistake !! He and a few other men did laundry for 42 sweaty stinky men. Upside? Not much, except that his Wing Men ( others nearby in his dorm room ) did things like make his bed flawlessly for him while he and others did laundry. Eh. It was all good for him.
After our tour, we got him off base and back to the motel. iPod, computer, " FemBot, can I have your phone?". Texting his pals, etc. No problem- that behavior off base was not prohibited. Ex was starting to crash again, feeling very poorly. We left Airman in her room to hang with FemBot and her. Spent a good 3 hours apart. Fine and good- I knew his Mom craved time with both kids away from DB and I. We hung in the sun at the pool and talked.
Went to take all to dinner. Ex looked awful, and had turned her room into a sauna with the hot shower. We took the kids to Mexican just past the base and dropped him off at his dormitory. Told FemBot to call at any hour at all if Ex got really bad and needed emergency care. This did not come to pass.
Got Airman on Saturday, went into San Antonio. Walked around the Alamo. The line to actually tour it was huge, so we walked around the outside. Lovely area. Remarkable story. ( Much bloodshed.). Got to the Riverwalk. Strolled it. They shopped. DB and I did not. We saw zero point in traveling all of that way to see Airman and be with him, only head into a huge mall to go to Aeropostale and buy shirts. But, shopping with the kids is how Ex relates to them in many ways. So, we backed off and waited in the concourses as they shopped. People watched. Fine. We didn’t have anywhere to go or rush to and as long as we hung out for the most part, I didn’t care.
We went to a Brazilian Steak House near the Alamo on Saturday night. I love these places and the kids dug it. Airman got quite a few " Thank you for your service ! " remarks from strangers. He’s a very quiet fellow, but was gracious to the last every time. After a gut-busting dinner, he was surprised with a huge dessert courtesy of the restaurant. Very kindly. Ex barely ate- still wary of serious food after feeling so sickly.
We went to drop him off, and did so in time. ( Sharp curfew- IN dormitory at 8pm. ON his floor at 8pm). As we drove towards the exit, Ex wanted to get a few more things at the BX. We shopped some. As we drove out, we stopped at an intersection on base. There are 2 Airmen, one pulling a large rolling duffel. HUSTLING without running. It’s 7:53. DB is driving. Rolls down her window.
" Need a ride, Airmen? "
" YES M’AM !!! "
We packed them into the car by having me and FemBot get out and start walking towards the bridge over to the gate. Turns out ( incredibly ) that they are not only from Airman’s flight, but they knew him and told us his nickname. So, a bit of quick thinking and kindliness by DB saved their hide.
Off we went to motel. By now, the overall tension was fairly ugly. Little looks, little comments from Ex and MY intense discomfort at being in proximity of both of my wives was wearing. Really wearing. I just kept trying to back off and avoid a big blow up. Not pretty.
They went into their room, we into ours. FemBot had to prep a presentation for an interview. We hung, she came over with her laptop to talk through it. A few hours later we sent her packing to do more work having picked our brains and we headed to the bar to unwind. ( The Afterburner. A dive. Perfect. )
Sunday morning we go on base, get Airman, to back to River Walk after a killer breakast at Pancake Joe’s- about 5 miles from base. More shopping. What the fuck !? By this time, Airman is starting to shut down and I know his face even if his body language has been radically altered by Basic Training. He’s steamed. Monosyllabic replies, lack of all eye contact, no smiling, etc.
At one point Ex and FemBot go looking for souvenirs and I asked him what was up. Through clenched teeth he informed me that he would never again be stuck somewhere with me, DB and his mother - unless she is remarried or seeing someone else. I was a bit mystified by his qualifiers.
Apparently she spent the weekend trashing me and DB to both FemBot and Airman. This included some crying jags and tirades in her room with the kids.
Me- I was tense trying to AVOID anything and when alone, she was venting at the kids. So much for having the weekend be focused On Airman. :rolleyes: I felt so bad for him. He said, " I’m glad you two are happy but I won’t be with you all again if it’s like this. "
Painful and sad to hear. I told him look, you’re 22. You make these decisions and I have to respect them.
We had him for another hour or two after we dropped off Ex and FemBot at the airport to fly. Took him to base. Hugged and kissed him hard before we drove onto base.
His anger and distain for his mother’s rage and venting was so sad. It’s not how it has to be but it’s not my place to ever say anything to her about it.
It was a joyous weekend but I could tell when he’d had enough of the vitriol, even if I didn’t know yet that the vitriol was being spewed.
I miss him intensely tonight. He’s off at his Training site. He’s angry at his mother even more than he was before he left, and he shared quite a bit of his anger alone with me before he left. And- I do suspect- he’s a bit put off that she ruined the tone of his big weekend. This is a kid who at 22 has never finished a semester of college. This was his big graduation, his turning point. She trashed some of that real wonderful pure glow. He hates her for it. I don’t have to.
That’s about it.
Oh. One other thing. Before he was dropped off, we talked about my Dad. Who was Air Force- and went through Lackland the 2nd year it was open. Still trying to find out if the Coin Ceremony existed then. If it did, somewhere is Dad’s Airman Coin.
As far as my Mom and I are concerned, it belongs in Airman’s hands.
Then I told him one other neat bit. My Dad’s Dad was a military aviator in WW I for Germany. He flew with Baron Von Richtoven. In his squadron. Airman was stunned and said, " Oh man why didn’t you ever tell me this before??!! I would have shared it during Air Force History class ! " ( It didn’t occur to me?)
Sent him into the base with a bit of family history to chew over. His adopted family. His family.
My son, the Airman.
Thanks for sharing that, Cartooniverse. 
Your plan of making it about Airman seems to worked out for you and DB. Very sad for Airman that Ex could not also take that step. 
The love and pride that you feel for your son comes through in your post in an overwhelming way. Good on you for having the self-restraint to put aside your issues with the Ex, in favor of focusing on him and allowing him the best experience possible. The world needs more Dads like you.
Wow - quite a kid you’ve got there, Toons! I’m sure you’re bustin’ your buttons, all puffed up and everything! 
And on a selfish note, I’m glad FCD and his ex didn’t have any kids so I didn’t have to deal with such drama - dang! :smack: Congrats for being all civilized and stuff.
'scuse me, bit of dust in my eye…
Read every word of your story/update. I was enthralled and touched. All I could think the entire time is what a great parent you are and that someday I hope to have a kid and be just as good a parent as you.
Dude, you gots more backbone than a Apatosaurus.
Kvell all you want. You made the best you could have in a situation where someone was determined to mess it up. Lucky for you, the Airman could see right through it.
Congrats to you and the Airman.
Good for you for sticking to the high road! And congratulations to you and your Airman!
Well done.
That was a thoroughly entertaining write-up. Thanks for sharing that with us.
My father did a short stint in the US Navy during the 60s. He’s got a few interesting stories under his belt, but I don’t ask about it much – I’d hate to hear I have a half-brother in another country or something similarly… classy. I opted for a strictly civilian existence.
And by God, the man knows how to fold a blanket like you wouldn’t believe.
Cartooniverse, I’m glad you got to spend time with your Airman.
Be prepared for a bit of a…downer time. (Lack of a better word for it.) I’ve had some challenges dealing with my Airman being gone. The time leading up to BMT graduation weekend was all excitement and anticipation. The time since then…well, it’s been difficult having the “he’s gone” sink in and become a reality.
–Nodding-- But that hasn’t set in yet. I know it will and the silence will be hard. Hey- they grow up !!
He texted last night from Training School.
“Just volunteered with about 75 other Airmen to welcome World War Two veterans off a plane from the nation’s capitol. It was crazy cool everyone clapped as we entered the airport. It was also sad knowing what they did and seeing some of them cry as we escorted them out of the airport.”
He’d chosen to take part in the Honor Flight program. Those veterans had just returned from their big day at the WWII Memorial in Washington, D.C.
Well done there, son. Go and give of your time and energy as well as your mind.
