I’ve been assigned a new project at work, which necessitates working very closely with one other person – we’re co-partners on the project. She’s wonderful, a work friend, and I admire her work ethic.
But when we’re discussing certain facets of the project, she gets kinda hyped up about things. She’ll be arguing her point over and over, even when I have made it clear I agree with her. I don’t have the time to listen to her spouting off about why something needs to be done – I just want to say “Yes, let’s do it” and leave it at that. I feel like she’s trying to justify each and every one of her thoughts – almost like she’s practicing arguing her point with me so she can be better prepared to go argue with the bosses (in case they disagree with her).
Have you worked with someone like this? What’s the best way to shut them up? Or do I have to just nod my hear a lot until she’s done talking?
I deal with people like this all the time. I call it arguing to see who agrees the most. Generally I cut them off and say, “Good we agree, the next topic is…” Yes, sometimes people think I’m rude.
I often jabber about things I know my audience and I are in agreement on and that can go without saying, but I try to make it clear I’m just talking rather than arguing. Folks who do that drive me nutters.
OK, then, the question is: how to get her to shut up? I have neither the time nor patience to help her practice her forensics skills. Especially when there no guarantee she will ever have to argue her point to anyone higher up?
I’ve tried that, but it’s less effective than you think. In particular, if you’re starting to get aggravated, your tone of voice may make you sound insincere and/or passive-aggressive.
I hate, hate, hate having an argument where both people are arguing the same side.
Have you tried repeating back to her what you think she said, and then saying, “is that what you mean?” and if she says, “not exactly,” then ask her to tell you the part you didn’t quite repeat back correctly. Keep doing that until she says, “that’s it, that’s what I mean.”
She probably won’t repeat herself (about that) again.
In my experience people repeat themselves mostly because they are incompletely convinced that the person heard them, and just saying “I agree,” doesn’t do it for them.
Tell her that arguing when you already agree with her is stressing you out and causing your work output to suffer. Perhaps you could ask her to take notes to forestall future arguments with management, instead of saying everything aloud.
Not everyone who argues with people who are agreeing with them is doing that, though. I was on a committee, once, with someone who kept taking us all in circles, disagreeing with the way something had been stated. We took turns, in twos and threes, leading him back around to acknowledging that what he was proposing as something we should state instead was the same as the original statement, except that the original statement covered the territory better and was easier to understand.
He really thought he had achieved something when he was finally convinced that we all agreed. He was proud of being the conscience of the committee and keeping everyone honest and on track. It was as if his emotional need to argue overcame his perception of the meaning of the words being used. Until he had satisfied that emotional need to argue and overcome, he truly couldn’t see that the original statement matched all his needs and criteria.
He slowed things down. He changed nothing. But he came out feeling very satisfied. It was frustrating for the rest of us. Some of the other committee members dealt with him regularly, and when I asked, they said that he always did that. They were kind of resigned to it. I’m glad I only had to deal with it once. You have my simpathy.
I work with someone like that, and indeed, he is rehearsing in the unlikely case someone higher than I will ask his POV. It’s become such a common thing that now all I have to say is “preaching to the choir” and he gets the message. That being, I understand and agree, now shut up about it!
There may be more at work here. I’m getting the feeling that this person and I communicate in very different ways, and now the challenge is to figure out the best way to get our points across.
We just had an intense 5-minute conversation where she told me a million fucking things and I was starting to freak out in my head because I had no idea what the hell she was getting at when suddenly she said the one sentence that was all she needed to say in the first place! And I said to her gently, “I wish you would have just told me that in the beginning. That’s all I needed to know.” And she looked at me like I was crazy pants.
I know I can’t change her in any way, really, so I need to figure out what the best way to communicate with her. When I need something, I ask for it. When she needs something, she explains for 5 minutes what the problem is, and then seems to expect me to offer to get her exactly what she needs.
Outgoing extroverts may blab stream-of-consciousness to whoever is in earshot (my mom does this every time I see her). If you’re introverted or shy, that could explain the communication barrier.
