Stop being so weird about sex (tmi)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(I put this in the pit originally, but figured it didn’t have enough vitriol.)

There can’t be a single photon of light within a half a mile of the bedroom. Every time we hook up I have to wait for you to finish playing the “kiss and back away” game, as it it makes me want you more. Honey, the time for hard to get is gone. Way gone. Every minute I spend wondering when you’re going to cut the bullshit, I’m also wondering if that other girl–you know, the one with the applebooty–digs me.

We can’t have sex on the couch–that’s weird. You very rarely take your shirt off. I can’t finger you. I can’t eat you out. You won’t get on top. You won’t even “bottom from the top.” Seriously, just sit there, I’ll still do all the work. Did I actually just hear “hold on, I gotta check people.com?” Blowjob is not a Bond villain.

If you didn’t have such a great ass I’d have been gone the first day. But every day that ass looks a little less nice.

2

Gotta ask…what’s an applebooty?

3

It’s kind of like a badonkadonk, but firmer.

4

I gotta ask… how does one “bottom from the top”?

5

Wow, even I think that’s a flimsy excuse for a relationship. Move on.

6

It’s not clear this isn’t a relationship? Unless you mean “relationship” in the sense that I have a “relationship” with my dad?

7

Yup, this is new to me too, unless we’re going for the Reverse Cowgirl here.

8

A bum that’s shaped like an apple. Nelly started a brand of “Apple Bottom Jeans”, but, IMHO, the models on the page don’t have applebootys. http://shop.applebottoms.com/nshop/product.php?view=listing&section=shopwomen&category=Jeans&groupName=Jeans

9

Umm, well, it doesn’t sound like a booty call, that’s for sure!

10

If it’s not a relationship, but just a friend with benefits, I’d say you’re not getting much in the benefit department.

11

I take it golden showers are out of the question as well? :slight_smile:

12

Bottoming from the top is sort of a BDSM term. Like, you have someone doing things to you but you’re in control because you’re telling them what to do.

13

Maybe she knows about that? And is a bit put off?

I’d have a hard time getting *that *picture out of my head. Like, if I was a chick and shit.

14

My two-year old refers to car spoilers as “honkerdonks”; should I be concerned?

15

Dude.

Sometimes, the p$$$y ain’t worth it.

Ditch the headgames and get out. Vanilla is so 17th century.

16

What’s he going to do with all that junk, all that junk…

17

Run. But first tell her why. Sticking around is pointless, because it’s never going to get better. Trust me.

18

I would love to ditch this girl, but I need a way to do it nicely. And…not yet. What sex there is is quite good, but that won’t last. My main problem: she is in constant contact with many ladies I am rather interested in courting and absolutely the type to get offended and spread rumors.

Yeah, I made a mistake. But did I mention how majestic this booty is? And I have an obligation to fulfill.

19

He won’t get on top either then?

20

I’d have never guessed this from the OP