I’m a little confused myself after reading this thread, but in a way it seems that Priceguy is asking why sexual orientation plays a role in our decisions about who is suitable for a romantic relationship (defined here as a loving friendship that includes sexual attraction). I think that sexual orientation is a matter of biology, not choice. I also think it sets us up, subconsciously, with a whole set of characteristics we find attractive in a romantic partner; physical characteristics are the most obvious, but behavioral characteristics are just as important - those are the “vibes,” that “klick,” that people are referring to here.
Let’s take the example of an online relationship, since physical appearance isn’t an issue (assuming no web cams, exchanging of pics, etc.). Say I start chatting with someone who becomes a wonderful friend. I can talk to them about anything, they make me laugh, they soothe my pain, I can’t wait to talk with them at the end of the day, I miss them badly when they aren’t online… all the sorts of feelings I would have for someone I was falling in love with IRL. The feeling appears to be mutual, so we finally make arrangements to meet in person. I’m nervous, excited, butterflies in the stomach and all that, waiting for that friend to appear…
Now, it so happens that I’m a straight female. And when the friend walks in the door and turns out to be another woman, I’m floored, and greatly disappointed. You see, I never asked what her sex was - I assumed it, based on the way she talked to me in chat. Her style of expression was just like the style I find in men that I like, so I made the assumption that she was male based upon a completely non-physical trait. When she turns out not to be, the romantic attraction just switches off for me, because I’m straight. The chemistry just doesn’t exist for me in the absence of body form I’m wired to be attracted to physically - they are part and parcel of the whole package that is me, and I can’t change it the way I might change my shoes.
That identification of a person’s sex from behavior doesn’t just apply in potentially romantic situations, either - I think it happens all the time, because we are constantly evaluating those behavioral cues, consciously or not. A male friend of mine once decided to play a joke on me by IM’ing me as a female (female ID, saying he was a female). Now, I didn’t realize it was him right away, but I could tell almost immediately that it wasn’t in fact a woman, because the way this individual talked to me was distinctly NOT feminine… I didn’t have to see a face to know it.
I have also talked with other people who either fooled others or found themselves fooled by mis-represented gender online (for whatever reason). If they were fooling others and were caught, it was because they slipped up by saying something, or behaving in a certain way, that wouldn’t be expected of the gender they were emulating. If they themselves were fooled, it was because the other person did such a good job of behaving like a member of the sex the fooled person was attracted to.
Of course there are plenty of people in this world whose behavior is not masculine or feminine, per se. In that case, we might rely more upon physical cues to figure out what gender a person perceives themselves to be - and that would come from their choice of clothing, physical mannerisms (like the style of walking), etc.
Does that make any sense?
On preview, I see that Priceguy is making a point about romantic love without sex. I think this is a matter of different definitions. Romantic love, to me, includes the possibility of sex (or thoughts of sex), whether it happens or not. If you love someone deeply but sex (the act, or thoughts thereof) never enters the picture, then it is simply a friendship, albeit a very special one.
