Strained situation at work... need advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

Something interesting has happened at my workplace recently.

Background: for several years, I and a co-worker had a love affair while working somewhere else. It was stupid, but I was young and hadn’t been told that I shouldn’t s#!% where I eat. Said co-worker was a charming but manipulative jerk, who’se only interested in lining his own pockets (he’s a compulsive spender) and tooting his own horn. He also lies automatically, unhesitatingly, and in every circumstance. Great guy.

About 18 months ago, I got a job with a different company in a different city… partially to help me get away from him easily (I being one of those soft, silly women who find it so hard to change the locks). For several months we fought viciously, me trying to put him down gently, and also confused about how I felt, him trying to sabotage my new life and/or scare me into staying with him. I finally won the battle a year ago and we have barely spoken since. Except that he got himself some consulting work at my new company. He needs the money, right?

This week, two new people started at my company. Both are his buddies and his minions, one is a former co-worker of us both. Both stink to high heaven of my ex, and I’ve been trying very hard to not go batshit insane. This, I can deal with. What i need to know is…

The ex has taken this opportunity to toot his own horn, earn a load of consulting money, and torment me, by demanding that he be included in a couple of weekly teleconferences. I’m hoping that he won’t address me directly in them but I’m sure he will. I want to turn into a beast from hell and give him a stern lecture about never speaking to me again… in front of the other co-workers. Bad idea because they’re his minions and it would make me look bad. But really… ugh.

We work in a very specialized area and getting a different job would be difficult though not impossible. I am otherwise very happy with my new job. I have a few of the insane, rambling, insulting emails he sent me last winter, which could at least prove that he’s nuts, but I’m hesitant to use them because while they could possibly get him discontinued, his two minions are still in my group and I have to deal with them every day.

What to do? Bite the bullet and deal with it?

2

Maybe try moving back to your old company and tell him that if he or his minions should show up again that you’re going to do everything in your power to get them fired?

I’m afraid I don’t see any good solution beyond finding somewhere else.

3

Jesus, is this guy The Joker? I mean he sounds evil, crazy and has minions and all… If he’s just a jerk then just ignore him as much as possible.

If you anticipate a hostile work environment, document every interaction with the fellows, and keep all emails. Do not initiate communication with any of them that is not professionally relevant. Get on with your life.

4

I’m just quoting this because I agree with it in its entirety, and because it needs to be emphasized.

5

Take copies of the insane, rambling, insulting e-mails to your HR person. Say “I want to discuss this with you.” Point out that the minions are buddies of your Ex, that you are not asking for anything to be done, but that you need them to know all of this in case the work environment deteriorates as much as at your previous employer’s.

If appropriate, you should probably include your immediate supervisor in this discussion.

Then, do nothing. Especially to not rise to any baiting from the Ex nor from the minions. Document everything, as noted. If any baiting occurs in front of others, it is acceptable to tell them “That is inappropriate. Please stop.”

6

What Lightray said. Document everything. Immediately when it happens while all the details are still fresh in your mind. You can edit later to remove vitriol before submitting it, but get all the details down immediately.

There’s a note on the wall in our HR director’s office. “If it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen”

7

How high up the food chain are you? If these people are your underlings, can you simply dismiss them as soon as they put a foot wrong?

8

Having an ex show up employed by your new job or ex’s friends employed at your new job is not a crime. Like everyone else has said, ignore the ex and the ex’s friends as much as you can without being unprofessional yourself, and document everything in case ex or ex’s friends aren’t satisfied with a professional relationship.

One thing that comes through in your OP - how emotionally invested are you in this guy still? The opposite of love is not hate - it’s indifference. One thing you aren’t showing here is indifference to your ex.

9

Based on what you’ve described here, some of the previous advice sounds like an overreaction. You’re both in a specialized field, and he’s gotten some consulting work at the same company you work at. Some of his friends also work there. He is being included in some conference calls. He may address you by name.

What part of this do you think HR or management is going to intervene in?

I don’t know what you mean by fought viciously or tried to scare you. If there’s something criminal in there, I hope you reported it to the police. If you are genuinely concerned that he may harass you in person or by phone at work, you can alert management and security not to put him through to your office. I wouldn’t show the crazy emails to HR. If the emails actually communicate threats, show them to the police. Otherwise I think it’s likely the correspondence will reflect less than professionally on you.

I suggest talking with a counselor (your employer may have a free and confidential employee assistance program) about how to be strictly professional on the conference calls. If you are coming across as a “soft, silly woman” that’s not going to help. Your desire to cause a scene in the workplace should be overcome. I can understand feeling the anger, but that would turn into something you’d regret. Don’t tell him you’ve gotten on with your life, show him, by being professional but detached with him and his friends.

10

I wouldn’t cause a scene…but I would very likely document it in case you need it.

I might also pull my boss aside and say “you should know that there was a romantic history between us that ended badly. I consider myself an professional and will act that way, but there may be things done or said by any of the four people that know the history that you will want some context to understand. I wouldn’t want this history to blindside you at a bad time.”

Generally, if you can manage to present the information as “I want to protect you” rather than “I want you to protect me” - you get similar results without looking like a whiner.

11

Go ahead and save anything he sends you, just in case, but there probably won’t be any need for it. The key thing is just to continually ask yourself, “Am I treating this man any differently than if I didn’t know him outside of work?” If you are, try not to.

12

We had the first of the conference calls today, and he never addressed me, which was a relief.

He & the friends are accustomed to an aggressive, territorial corporate culture, and the two newbies are acting that way. It is all wrong for this small, laid-back Midwestern company. But they seem to be realizing that–I do hope that they’ll figure it out after a few weeks.

Keeping documentation seems to be the right thing to do; for now and I hope forever, sharing it isn’t the thing to do. Thanks.

13

You did great. You’ll just have to put up with him for the time being. Unless he crosses a professional line, there’s nothing you can do about it.

14

Above all, be professional. I do not think it would be out of line to let your boss and HR know you have a bad history with this guy, but you’ve put it behind you and as long as he acts professionally, you will have no complaints.

In fact, if you could pretend you don’t remember him, “Dave? Dave…why does that name sound familiar…hmmm…well, can’t place him now, have to run to a meeting” it might even drive him around the bend.

15

You’re coming across in your post as very dramatic. Minions who stink of your ex? Joining a conference call to torment you? If you ever need to go to HR, I think you’d be much better served by documenting specific wrongdoing in much duller language.

Also, consider how this situation might look to a third party. From what you’ve told us, he has not done anything to affect your work situation and indeed has barely spoken to you since you broke up. And you’re considering trying to mess with his employment based upon the bad romantic relationship the two of you had. To an outsider, this could look like you’re the harasser.

16

I know Tom. This is, you know, a message board. A near-anonymous forum. It’s a nice place to wig out about stuff, so that you don’t wig out about it in real life.

Since the teleconference went well, I have calmed down a lot. I think I’m not going to get messed with, and that’s what matters.

A rap sheet of stuff the guy’s done to me: tried to bribe me to sleep with him again, shown up at my house uninvited, picked fights right before I had other social engagements, told me I’d be gang-raped if I went to social engagements, showed up at social engagements angry to take me home, threatened to get me fired when I didn’t express sufficient obsession with our work, meddled with various financial paperwork because of course he knew how to do it better (and less honestly), made me wonder if he was about to strangle me (I know–I’m imagining that one because I’m a hysterical female, right), along with a bunch of mental cruelty gee-aint-he-a-bad-man sort of insults and manipulation. He does carry a gun, everywhere, all the time. He likes to talk about it.

He’s also advising these two new employees to be defiant, smug, and uncooperative on the job in their first week. But that’s not my problem (except insofar as they’re being defiant, smug, and uncooperative towards me). It’d be neat if they got themselves fired. It’d be just as neat if they straightened up and got some work done.

But at this point, he seems to have calmed down sufficiently to leave me alone in meetings. So everything is as hunky dory as it can be.

17

Ah, also–

He also, this week, encouraged them to attempt some dishonest intellectual property shenanigans regarding a person who’s still employed at the ex-company and some source code that shouldn’t be in our possession. I sent an email to the boss of us all asking for clarification regarding this intellectual property situation. After the “absolutely no shenanigans!” email came back, the former co-worker (who thinks he’s my manager, haha) excoriated me for having brought the issue up with management, and told me that I was not to talk to management again except through him. What-ever.

18

I can understand why you’re feeling edgy and not indifferent. I still get a little jumpy on the rare occasions that my ex-wife’s number pops up on the caller ID.

The only advice I can give you is to not let him get under your skin unless he actually gives you a reason to. And if he does get out of line, document it to hell and back.