Stripper good idea/bad idea

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I recently have been invited to my friends bachelorette party. When I brought the issue up to my SO I told him that there wasnt going to be a stripper. Then we got to talking about bachelor parties in general and he brought up the fact that he is going to have a stripper for his bachelor party when we decide to get married someday. I was like okay that is fine as long as there is no touching involved. He on the other hand begs to differ.

My SO believes that on that very night it is okay to be touching another womans body (the stripper)as long as its not sex. He says its would be the last opportunity for him to experience being a bachelor, and its not like their is feeling behind it…its just for fun. Now I believe totally the opposite.

I believe that if he has the urge to be touching another woman then maybe he should rethink the whole wedding thing. My reasoning for this lays in the fact first

#1. We already made a commitment to each other to be with each other only, and this involves hands off other woman vis versa for me and men.

#2. Just because you have only “fondled” 2 woman (so you have said) in you life doesnt mean that the night before your wedding you are allowed to experience it again just because you feel as if you havent taken the opportunity to do so before making a commitment to someone (me).

#3. Respect the bond that you have put so much into prior to that date. I mean to me fondling any woman including a stripper is crossing the lines and considered possible cheating in my book because you are breaking that faithful trust you have gained from the other even if for you its just a night of playful fun.

Well that is my thoughts on it…so here is my question to you all…is it okay for a man or a woman at this matter to do such things with a stripper on the night of their bacherlor party. Am I wrong for how I feel about it and should I just relax and give him this little bit of freedom before he decides to take the deep plunge into marriage??

2

He’s going to have the physical urge to touch other women no matter what you think. However, he should not want at all to cheat on you.

The bachelor party is a ritualized passage from one social stage to another, where “acceptable” behaviours change. As such, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little touching. If he met this same woman on the street, he wouldn’t give her a second thought (the first one might very well be “mmm!” though).

Anyway, he should definitely respect your wishes, but as a formal final bachelor act, I can see its usefulness.

Take what I have to say with the appropriate dosage of salt, I’m young, and nowhere near getting married.

3

Normally I’d say far be it from me to say no to nekkid boobage, but you are serious, so I won’t. I would agree with you, if you feel VERY strongly about this, as it seems you do, he should respect your feelings. If you were a “damn those immature guys” or a “what the hell, he’s mine AFTER this” type, I’d support his leanings. But at the start of a life long (hopefully) relationship together, he shouldn’t be pissing you off royally. Consideration for your feelings should be very near the top of the list. Not saying you should call off any plans, far be it from that. You are engaged for a reason, and you guys should keep talking it out.

And bachelors get the royal treatment at parties I’VE been to.

4

Well . . . good thing you’re having this talk before you’re shaking the rice out of your hair.

Just some general observations about this, in no particular order:

  • It was a bad move on his part to even discuss this with you, since it automatically gives you permission to tell him what you think about it. I not condoning cheating or lying or anything like that, but even the most perfect of couples will have differences of opinions, and sometimes it’s better to let them lie than bring them up and fight over them.

  • That said, strippers don’t do much for me. I’ve been to clubs twice at others behest. The first time was mind-blowing, as the women were beautiful, the dances energetic and the money to tip them someone elses. The second time was far more low-key and the money was my own to spend, and I have far more interesting places to spend it at than a dancer’s G (like books, comics, CDs, movies, good wine, good beer, Internet hook-ups). You can guess correctly that I didn’t have a stripper at my bachelor party, nor did my wife have one at hers.

  • It sounds like your boyfriend’s holding the traditional male view of women and marriage. He probably feels this way because he’s only “fondled” (ugh) 2 women. He hasn’t had enough experience to realize that it’s not entirely the body that matters, but what’s going up upstairs that counts. (Your mileage may vary, I’ll admit.)

  • What it means to your relationship I can’t say, but if you’re bothered about it enough to ask TMs about it, I’d say listen to that voice for a bit. Breaking off an engagement’s a hellua lot cheaper than a divorce.

pesch

5

I thought this would be a parody of the Animaniacs feature… :frowning:

6

Sorry I have to clarify some things…all this was in a hypothetical situation for we are not currently engaged. But the thing is if we were my feelings on this subject would be the same as I brought forth in this thread. another things I would like to clarify is that I didnt say he wanted to cheat…i meant that as that is how I would feel in a sense…not exactly cheating and all but putting his hands on someone else even for fun isnt something I am all going for. Hope that clarifies the situation at this time…sorry you all I should have stated it all a little better.

7

Whether or not it is okay for the spouses to be to play with strippers on the night of the big party, depends on the people. There is no “right or wrong” answer for general discussion, but if you feel it’s wrong, then it is. He obviously feels its right, so for him, it is. Cheating means different things to different people. So now it’s the beginning of the eternity of marriage… that’s right… Step right up and try your luck in the most common household activities of married folk and play THE COMPROMISE GAME! :smiley:

Some have said that he should respect your desires… I can turn that around and say that he deserves as much respect for his wishes as you do for yours. Find a middle ground somewhere that you both can agree to.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been to a lot of bachelor parties where it was “okay” for the man to play but not actually have sex. The majority of prospective inmates, I mean, grooms, when it comes down to the time, do not partake. Talk is cheap until you are faced with it:)

8

Good point, TD The discussions SHOULD lead to compromise. Or an agreement not to agree (which is better than harboring ill will). But a discussion with the goal to come to an agreenment, not to beat the other party to a pulp because they are wrong, will SERIOUSLY extend the life of love.

9

I think UncleBill said it best: “Consideration for your feelings should be very near the top of the list.”

Of course, compromise is important in any relationship, and that goes both ways. This batchelor/ette party “last fling” thing has always seemed rather immature & disrespectful to me. Perhaps it’s my inner middle aged person talking, but I wouldn’t go for that AT ALL.

If he feels that feeling up some strange woman is something he needs to do in order not to be deprived in his future with you, that’s kind of immature. Is he going to keep feeling “deprived” once you guys are married if he doesn’t feel up a third woman?

10

Actually, I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. If you get so intensely jealous over some touching on his bachelor party, knowing that he is not going to have sex, then you might want to reconsider your own feelings. Men are always going to be attracted to other women, whether they are married or not. The love bond comes in when they refuse to cheat, that is, have sex with other women.

I don’t think he would care if you had a male stripper at your bachelorette party, and did some casual touching. It’s biology!

I know a few happily married couples where he stops in at a strip club now and then and she goes to her type of strip club on occasion. The only thing they are concerned about with each other is that they have safe rides home. None have cheated on each other and all enjoy the ‘reaction’ when the other comes home all hot and bothered. Especially those marriages which have gone on for 5 years or more and some of the excitement has dwindled, find this to be a satisfactory way of rekindling the heat.

Part of marriage is explicit trust in your partner. If you don’t have that, then maybe you might need to work on it.

11

I’d have no probs with a poly mate, but even I draw the line at bachelor/ette strip parties. Way to cheesy for comfort. Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy.

12

I don’t see why he thinks it’s OK to touch someone at his bachelor party, if it’s not OK to touch them at any other time. You set boundaries in your relationship based on what makes you both happy. Unless you both want to temporarily relax those boundaries, I think it’s disrespectful to imply that he has the right to ignore them for some special event.

Of course it’s natural to want to grope the strippers. It’s also natural to want to fuck the strippers. We deny those natural impulses when we choose to enter into a monogamous agreement. Don’t want to be restricted by who you can touch? Find someone with whom you have similar views of monogamy and date them.

(One way to handle this is to ask him specifically what he thinks is reasonable, non-sexual touching. Then see how he feels about you letting a male stripper touch you wherever he can touch a female stripper. My personal guess is that he won’t like it at all.)

13

I would consider my fiance touching a stripper at his bachelor party cheating (not that I would consider marrying a man who would want strippers at his bachelor party). I don’t consider this jealousy; I don’t want him doing anything at his bachelor party that I would break up with him for if I caught him doing it any other time. I trust him implicitly; if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be marrying him. I trust that he wouldn’t do something as lowdown as groping a stripper, bachelor party or no bachelor party.

14

Well, on one level, I don’t care if Mr. Cranky wants to put his hands all over some slut at a bachelor party. She and I aren’t even on the same planet. It’s a one-time, surreal situation. I also know Mr Cranky wouldn’t feel intellectually attracted to someone like that, even if her body and her dancing gets him riled up physically. For some reason (which is a little hard to articulate, so I won’t try) that’s an adequate difference, for me. I’d be more
pissed about the waste of money–sheesh, spend the $300 on a toolbox for him or something, not some bimbo who will stay all of 12 minutes unless you ante up another couple hundred for the wacky stuff.

HOWEVER, I know that a lot of women aren’t so keen on the whole stripper-at-the-bachelor-party thing. It appears you’re one of them. If that’s the case, you need to find someone who respects your wishes. Otherwise, you better have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on this. If he has this type of bachelor party, I suggest you find some way to accept it and forever hold your peace. No digging for details afterwards.

From my (extraordinarily limited) experience in these matters, the bachelor is not in control. If he’s got a bunch of rowdy drunk friends who feels it is their duty to give him a wild time, how well is he going to be able to make his wishes known when everybody’s ripped, she’s brought out the whipped cream, and everyone at the party had just chipped in an extra $5 so he can have a lap dance where he gets to lick it off her tits? These parties have a life of their own, and I think even the best-intentioned guys may let things get away with them when there’s tons of peer pressure and there’s an “anything goes for one night” atmosphere. If he or you ain’t comfortable with that, don’t have a bachelor party. Have a couples thing where you all go and volunteer to work on a Habitat for Humanity house for a day. Or play whirly ball. Or cook out.

I like Giraffe’s comment. Any touching that he thinks “doesn’t count” when thinking of some female stripper ought to be true for you, too.

15

If you think it’s wrong or you feel uncomfy about it, then he shouldn’t. If he has a problem with that, then… well… I don’t wanna give too much advice, but… um… he should respect that. If he doesn’t, then…
…
OK, this is where the advice ends.

16

We have a winner. A majority of the action that happens at a BP is usually forced upon a groom by his buddies. If he declines, he already looks whipped in the boozed-up eyes of his buddies.

Assuming that the bachelor party will happen, and there will be strippers involved, there are a few things you can do to keep things from getting out of hand.

The first I would suggest would be going to a strip club instead of hiring a stripper for a private party. It’ll probably be more expensive, but your future husband won’t be paying, anyway. Depending on where you live, this might solve your problem in and of itself, finding a strip club that allows the guy to “fondle” the girl can be darn hard in certain locations of the company. Usually, it’s just the girl that’s allowed to touch the guy.

That said, there’s also the second thing: The more people that are in on the party, the more things are going to get out of hand. My bachelor party consisted of me and four friends watching porn and going to a strip club (note to future grooms, strip club FIRST, porn SECOND, as porn doesn’t have a closing time). We just watched, and nothing really wild happened.

The last BP I went to involved the same four friends, plus two marines and 4 more $90k-plus salaries. As a group, we ended up spending about $3k that night ($2k on a single stripper who…well…I digress).

But my marriage and the marriage of the other guy have been going pretty darn well, and I doubt that either of us has stepped into a strip club since.

Of course, this is all just hypothetical at this point, and a warning flag goes up in my head about a guy who’s already looking forward to the strippers at his bachelor party.

LordVor

17

Despite the protestations of “it’s natural” and “it’s biology” a mature, responsible man who intends to enter into a binding (supposedly) lifetime commitment to a woman of quality whom he (and this is key) respects and still wants to (and intends to) grope the stripper despite his fiancee’s protests… well only you can decide if that is the character of the man you want to marry and be with forever.

Most mature, intelligent, self respecting women wouldn’t need any more than 30 seconds to understand that your groper boy (lovely though he may be otherwise) is likely to have a somewhat self indulgent “I gotta be me” take on life. If that what you want 1-5-10 and 20 years from now fine… you’ve got it but don’t ** don’t don’t don’t** get it in your head that marriage will “change him”. It won’t.

Someone had an excellent quote from a contemporary author (Toni Morrison perhaps )in another relationship thread a few weeks ago. It stated “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.” I think this applies to your situation.

18

Tisk Tisk Tisk!!! What have I caused? I know I said I’d be gone awhile but I knew my SO started a thread about this. So as a rebbutal of sorts I’ll begin to explain my position. I’m 19 years old. 19 Hell I can’t even buy a drink yet but I can make without a doubt one of the most important decisions of my life. Frankly it fucking flips me out that I’m this crazy about somebody and that I’m willing to put up with her. We’ve been together well over a year and 3 months. Yeah I know that isn’t long but it’s longer than some people wait to get engaged. I love her to death without a doubt. That’s how I feel right now it could change in 20 minutes 20 months or 20 years from now. It could possibly NEVER change. I guess I just felt that this was my last little bit of freedom (in a manner of speaking) that I was ever going to have. I know deep down that this won’t happen and in fact I probably wouldn’t even go throw with it. I know what it means to her. In fact the more and more I got to thinking about it she’s right on this. I wouldn’t want some guy stripper feeling her up. Hell I’d probably go crazy and try to either kill the guy or at least permanently mame the guy. I can finally see where she is coming from with this.

As to the comments about me being self indulgent, unrespectful, and not caring towards her feelings well those are all wrong statements. In fact I’m quite the opposite but I’ll that up to you to believe and decide. Again I guess one of the reasons I wanted this was to try and hold onto that last little bit of unmarried freedom that I have. Well since ya’ll have seen my negative side I’ll go back to lurking and do my studying.

p.s. sorry there kremit I didn’t mean to get you all in a fuss over this…

19

His last night as a batchelor was the night before he became involved with you. He’s not a batchelor on his last night before his wedding - he’s one half of a couple that are about to be offically joined for life. If he is entering that commitment ignoring you (and ignoring something that means a lot to you just so he can have a little “fun”), then he doesn’t seem committed to the partnership.
This is not about touching another person or sex. This is about respecting each other’s wishes. If you feel strongly enough about it to react the way you have, he should be compromising with you.

20

I suppose when I was still wet behind the years and in that hot, young, jealous love thing, I might have been very possessive about my loved one. I recall getting furious when I found out my girl kissed a guy friend of hers, who had been a guy friend for years, but I came to a screeching stop when I realized that I had long time female friends who I thought nothing of giving a quick buss to.

Over time, I’ve had girl friends who loved going to male strip clubs and their actions ranged from timidly tipping the guys, to tipping and groping. I didn’t care. I go to strip clubs and have for years and have had problems with some girls who got all jealous because they figured I’d sleep with one. I’ve had offers, but when I’m in a love relationship, I don’t cheat and never have.

Marriage is not a prison. Then again, I know some guys and girls where it is a prison because they can’t do jack! They can’t go out with their friends, they can’t go to bars alone, they can’t look at a member of the opposite sex, they have the same old sex that they’ve been having for years in the same old way, and any friend of the opposite sex had better, never even say hi to them! No member of the opposite sex had even better look at them in an admiring way either or there is hell to pay when they get home!

Boooring!

At bachelor parties I go to, someone or two people stay pretty sober to control the group and not let it get too wild. Today, you need a sober driver with the drinking and driving laws.

I have no problem with strippers at bachelor parties and in many places, you hire them from a company, they show up with a driver, get paid, do their thing, and most leave right after. Of course, you can hire strippers from a club and negotiate ‘extras’, but only a few parties I’ve been to have done that.

Those were, well, interesting.