I am recently engaged and have designated one of my best friends to plan my bachelor party (not either of my two best men; debauchery just isn’t their thing). I can tell that he’s got very grand ideas which, of course, involve strippers.
My fiancée is dead-set against strippers. This is not, I repeat, not because she doesn’t trust me. She does and neither I or my friend have any interest in having hookers involved in the party. But she finds the whole concept of a naked woman crawling all over me a week before the wedding to be absolutely disgusting. (She also believes a large number of strippers are merely prostitutes forced to strip as a “day job,” something she picked up while working for an anti-trafficking group. I think that’s true in some cases, but not most. Especially since I have known a girl who was genuinely “stripping through college.”) She doesn’t want to think about it at all and, even though the bachelor party is sworn to secrecy, she knows there’ll be strippers unless I tell her there won’t be. So she wants me to say there’ll be no strippers. (Lying to her is not an option here.)
I sort of balked at this at first. Not because I’m dead set on having strippers, but because I figure, my bachelor party = my terms. But after talking to her for awhile about it, I understand the depth of her feelings on the subject and have decided to go along with her wishes. My friend who’s planning the party is giving me the whole line about her having control, slippery slope, etc. But that’s just his nature. He also warned me that she’d throw out all my stuff after we moved in together (she didn’t, and anything of mine that’s gone has been replaced by something better we both like).
So my fiancée and I agreed that there’d be no strippers but that anything else that didn’t involve infidelity would be allowed and that she couldn’t make any further requests, nor could she contact my friend about his plans.
So I know I’m basically asking for advice on something that’s already been resolved, but I guess I just want to know if anyone thinks the entire episode and its resolution is a reasonable way of going about things. Thoughts?
Her feelings aside, it is disingenuous for her to tell what to do at your bachelor party. You say that she would say she trusts you (though I kinda doubt this) so why make an issue out of how you spend your last night as a single guy?
Are you familiar with the silly, childish games ladies play at wedding showers? Would it ever occur to you to tell her not to play? Probably not. It wouldn’t be appropriate.
It’s a bad sign, man. That’s all I’m going to say.
Sounds good to me. In fact, I think it would’ve been more indicative of trouble further down the road if you hadn’t taken her feelings into account, valid or not (IMO, valid. But I’m not too crazy about that profession*)
*Not through any moral objection, but I don’t do strip clubs. Nothing against the people, though. I think, if someone’s gonna be shaking her tits in my face, I don’t want it to be because it’s her job.
You seriously don’t see why your future wife - the woman you’re about to pledge undying devotion to and spend the rest of your life with - might not want you spending an evening with a bunch of naked chicks rubbing themselves all over you? :dubious:
Your stag night = your rules, eh? That’s the spirit!
Looks like you’re gonna be one heck of a husband. :rolleyes:
Dude, chill out. I had an initial, instinctive reaction and, after careful thought and consideration, changed my mind. Yeah, I’m obviously going to be a horrible husband.
Good for you, man. You did the right thing for sure.
I don’t believe this is a trust issue. Similar to the other thread about sleeping in a bed with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t your partner, this is NOT about trust, it’s about boundaries. She doesn’t want naked chicks crawling on you, and I don’t blame her a bit.
So good for you for respecting her boundaries and your relationship with her more than your relationship with your buddy. I know it wasn’t easy, but it was the right move.
My ideal husband-to-be would be surprised that I felt that I needed to make such a request, as he wouldn’t want strippers to be there in the first place. He also would have only fairly limited quantities of alcohol at the party. Actually, I’m not sure he’d have a bachelor party at all. But hopefully we’d have reached an understanding about such things before we started planning the wedding.
Really, it is up to you and your fiancee to define your relationship. The tone of your discussions about the bachelor party may well establish a pattern for future discussions about other topics.
If understand this correctly…
She asked you not to have strippers because it would make her unhappy for xyz reasons.
You said, ‘‘OK, making you unhappy is not something I want to do, particularly as it is over something I don’t have strong feelings for (the strippers that is, I am not implying you do not have strong feelings for naked breasts)’’
Your best man is confused as he cannot distinguish between you being told what to do and you making a conscious choice over what to do.
Some wives do micromanage their husbands’ lives like tyrants, but this hardly seems like an example of that. The thought of you partying with strippers makes her uncomfortable; you compromised for the sake of her feelings. It won’t be the last time! And she’ll probably do the same for you many times as well. Sounds totally reasonable, and I’d say you did the right thing.
While I don’t necessarily think her request was reasonable, I think you made the right decision by respecting her wishes, and I applaud you for taking the time to talk to her about it and understand how she feels and WHY before deciding either way. I think this bodes very well for your relationship down the road.
It doesn’t sound like you’re going to be missing much by not having strippers at the party, and your friend(s) won’t be making snide comments about you when you guys are still happily married 20 years down the road.
I don’t know whether to go down this path or not, because it might not be part of your dynamic with your friend – but when you communicated the “no strippers” thing to your buddy, did you say “My fiancée would prefer no strippers” or “We would prefer no strippers”? I realize that even if you said the second one, your friend might have assumed the first one.
I think your friend was out of line. First, for not respecting your wishes about the party, but its a bachelor party so I could see why he would want to push the envelope. But trashing your relationship right before the wedding?? That’s mean.
ETA: misread the part about throwing out your stuff. Regardless, sometimes you gotta keep your opinions to yourself.
You sound pretty seasonable. to me. Sounds like the best man is unsure about what to do if he can’t follow a “tried and true” formula. I don’t want strippers at my bachelor party either, just because I’m the one who thinks it’s crass.
(I do like boobies, but professionals paid to show them to me feels trashy.)
ETA: The guy planning the party is probably just miffed because he feels like your finacee is being a spoil-sport. Probably because he’s so excited to be throwing this party for his best buddy. It’s probably a let down for him too, because it’s restricting his fun of planning a wild and crazy night. Just make sure the guy really knows that you appreciate all his efforts, and that if he can pull off something really classy he’ll be your best bud for life.
Absolutely reasonable, and admirable to boot. She had STRONG feelings on an issue, and told you about them. You gave that consideration, and chose to honor her strong feelings over your lesser ones. She subsequently agreed to not meddle in the matter, with both of you understanding some clear, and reasonable, boundaries.
Keep this crap up and you won’t have any fights in your marriage.
I sort of balked at this at first. Not because I’m dead set on having strippers, but because I figure, my bachelor party = my terms
That sounds like you’d consider having strippers just because your fiancee asked you not to… which IMO is not the response of a mature individual.
The whole point of a marriage is that it’s no longer on *your * terms, it’s a partnership… not having strippers at a stag party is a perfectly reasonable request to make (IMO it’s not one she should even have to make, but YMMV), but it seems your instinctive reaction is to view it as a constraint on your manly freedom.
I don’t really understand a response that starts “Her feelings aside . . .” since her feelings are the whole point. She explained why she didn’t want it; you kind of understand even though you may not disagree. You care for her enough to respect her wishes.
I think you did exactly the right thing. Now all you have to do is ignore anybody who wants to say you’re pussy-whipped for doing the right thing by your fiancee.
