Stuck in a situation I wish I could get out of

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, I want to start off by saying that I got myself into this situation, but in my defense, I didn’t realize that the situation would turn into the beast that it has become.

Here’s my problem:

I agreed back in February to be my friend’s maid of honor in her wedding. Back then, we were getting along very well, and I was happy that she picked me (she has many friends). Now, as time passed, I noticed that she was getting more and more self centered, which I expected to some degree, but let me continue.

Now, I can barely tolerate being around her. She has become a selfish, self-centered, narcissistic wench who orders people around and has mood swings from hell. I really really wish I could get out of being her maid of honor, but the wedding is less than a month away. Okay, more bad stuff about her: she has been jobless since March, she and her fiance bought a house a few months ago (which I think is insane) and he only makes about 30k per year. She is an obese alcoholic who smokes 2 packs a day and goes to bars by herself about 4 nights per week. She invites total strangers that she meets in these dive bars to her wedding (and bachelorette party, which I had to plan). She insisted that her bachelorette party be held on Halloween, the same night that one of my really good friends is having an awesome costume party (dammit!)

I’ve already spent several hundred dollars on my dress, shoes, bachelorette stuff, and I agreed (reluctantly) to make the grooms cake (which I really really regret). :smack:

Now, I realize that all the bad things I listed about her really don’t have much to do with the situation at hand, I just wanted to show what sort of person she has become.

So does anyone have any advice? Should I just shut up and go through with it, or pick a fight with her and (hopefully) get kicked out of the wedding? I think one of the groomsmen did that a couple of weeks ago (dammit, he stole my idea). Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I realize that I will probably end up going through with being her maid of honor, but it felt good to share my frustration. One last thing, I actually have had recurrent nightmares about this whole ordeal. :frowning:

2

Picking a fight so that you will get kicked out is a totally gutless idea. It is also extremely selfish at a time when the bride is obviously already under a great deal of stress during which you have promised to be her greatest support. Hell, isn’t it?

That leaves you with the options of sticking with going through with it or declining any further involvement. It would be extremely inconsiderate to back out at this late date after you have obligated yourself to do several things.

Just bite your tongue, square your shoulders and get through it. Resolve to be more careful in the future about obligating yourself. (It is perfectly okay to say no to these things.) Also resolve not to allow her abusiveness to continue after her “wedding day bliss” is over.

You might want to do a little reading about assertive behavior. One possibility is an oldie called When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

Take a deep breath…

3

Well, I’m not some spineless person who says yes to everybody… As I mentioned in the OP, back when I was asked, I was happy to say yes. Things changed, though… And if what she has is called “wedding day bliss”, then I’m NEVER getting married.

I know that at this point, the only way I’m getting out of this is by death or dismemberment. I’m just feeling frustrated because there is nothing I can do about it.

4

Admittedly I’m not up on all the wedding traditions, but where is it written that the MOH has to attend the bachelorette party?

Ditch it. Tell her you made other plans well before she insisted on having her party that night, and then don’t go. Chances are she’ll get smashed and won’t remember who was there anyway.

Don’t see any way out of MOH duties, though, short of breaking a limb or two (hers or yours at this point).

5

Well, if you were willing to completely sever ties with this person, than I suppose you could just tell her what you’ve told us; that she’s changed in the past year to someone you don’t feel close to, and that you feel it would be improper to share her special day with her. Then pass the torch to one of the other friends and scamper off.

But I assume that your friend must have some positive virtues unless your social clique consists of alcoholic unemployed barflies. So maybe you could take her aside and tell her that her behavior is stressing you out to the point where you’re having nightmares?

6

Well as a friend, and as maid of honor you have duties.

Being the Maid of Honor is kind of like being the first officer. You need to take the captian aside and tell her your honest opinion.

As a friend you should do the same.

Sit the bride down and tell her what mistakes she is making (in your opinion) Be completly honest. If you friendship can’t take that then you are not good friends. Not good enough for you to be maid of honor.

7

Well, traditionally, the MoH is the one who throws the bachelorette party. I have to be there, I planned the stinkin’ thing.

She has always been outgoing, and liked going to bars, but it seems like as soon as she got engaged, she has been going a lot more frequently. I just don’t understand it. And BTW she lost her job after she got engaged (and I agreed to be the MoH).

I am planning on severing ties with her after the wedding because it is obvious that she and her fiance are digging themselves into a hole with their crappy house and her lack of a job. I just can’t deal with it anymore. Plus she’s so damned selfish that it makes me sick. She wants everyone to bow to her every demand, and plan their lives around hers. She has lost several friends during her engagement, so maybe one more won’t be noticeable… hehe…

As far as me telling her what’s bothering me, she wouldn’t give two shits, she’d fly into a rage and probably beat me up. I’m telling you, it’s like she’s turned into a beast… I think an exorcism should be performed.

8

What you described in your post is what I thought happened to every woman leading up to her wedding day.

That being said, if you aren’t comfortable any more you don’t have to continue being unconfortable. Grow some 'nads and tell her.

IMHO I wouldn’t give her the straigten up or I’ll quit talk because that will not turn out well. She will say she will straighten up and she will for about 3 minutes. Then it will be right back to the way it was before.

But who am I to say…

9

What you described in your post is what I thought happened to every woman leading up to her wedding day.

That being said, if you aren’t comfortable any more you don’t have to continue being uncomfortable. Grow some 'nads and tell her.

IMHO I wouldn’t give her the straigten up or I’ll quit talk because that will not turn out well. She will say she will straighten up and she will for about 3 minutes. Then it will be right back to the way it was before.

But who am I to say…

10

If that is the way she is then dump her now. Life is too short to suffer fools. So you are saying you’ll stop being her doormat after the wedding? Yeah right! Everytime she wants something she’ll manipulate you into doing it with “but of all my friends I chose you to be MoH!”.

Why are you willing to be abused?

End it now.

11

Yeah, it’s one thing if she’s a dear friend who you want to maintain a relationship with, but the fact that you plan to never talk to her again after the wedding makes me think you should have a talk with her. Tell her that you feel she’s changed and you’re not happy with the way she’s treated you in the last few months. The conversation will either end with her promising to be nicer and you agreeing to give her another chance, or with you not being maid of honor any more. It certainly can’t make things worse than they are now, unless she does in fact beat you up. (Maybe have this conversation in a public place, like a bar. It doesn’t sound like you’ll have any problem convincing her to go to a bar…)

Oh, and don’t mention the stuff that isn’t any of your business, like her making poor financial decisions or going out so often. Stick with the fact that you don’t like how she’s acting and the way the wedding is dominating your life.