Your nose doesn’t goddamn itch, you’re digging for green gold! Yeah, that’s right. Don’t think you’re being sneaky.
Admit it. The snooze button is really the “sleep-in” button. And no, setting the clock forward 10 mins. isn’t fooling you either. I know, because I play that game too; everyone should, you need some serious sleep sometimes.
One more snooooooze…
No, I LOL and say “Ooh that sounded like a fart!!!”
I’m easily amused.
Nope, I pop it in the dishwasher on a scalding hot wash
No, I don’t do that. I say “Oh good someone pressed the button”
searches for hidden cameras
Hah, I pretend my mobile is ringing, start searching for it, find it, cuss that they hung up and walk off in the opposite direction to the one in which I had been going…
Yeah, George Carlin knew that as well.
mmm
I obviously wasn’t talking about you. 
Ooh, bringing high tech to an awkward situation! I like it.
I know that when you get up in the night for a glass of water, you drink it 3/4 of the way down, then swish and pour the rest into the sink. Then you rinse and refill the cup and drink it 3/4 of the way down again.
I know that you occasionally smell your socks when your spouse/SO isn’t looking.
I know that the last three times you were in your head blaming someone else for losing something, it turned out that you were the one who misplaced it. I also know that none of these occurrences has in any way blunted the immediacy of your subsequent assumptions that someone else lost things, or the resultant ire until you find it.
And I know about that nasty, crappy, gas-station-food snack that you like so much.
I know that you can’t believe the person you like, but don’t know, in that facebook photo isn’t tagged. What is it about you that every person you’d love to stalk isn’t tagged?
Yeah… YOU… what is it about you that every person you like on facebook isn’t tagged. Freakin’ stalker…
I know that for you guilt can be a powerful motivator, but it isn’t a pure one. Today you could feel obligated to help a family member with something you’d prefer to take no part in. There are times, like this, when familial duty trumps personal desires. Do your best to be helpful and gracious even though it could be a trying time for you. You’ll feel good about yourself once it’s all done.
I know you’re reading this on your smartphone while pooping.
Ha, a lot you know! I’m sitting at my desk, reading this on a desktop computer.
I probably should have gone to the men’s room before I started pooping.
FLUSH Ha! You are wrong!
You kinda like the smell of your own farts. Admit it.
You don’t always acknowledge it when someone else lets you cut into traffic.
You pee in the shower now and then.
You have taped Major League Baseball games without the express written consent of the Commissioner.
You secretly yearn for Cecil to ask you for advice.
That’s what you think happened, eh? It’s working!
I knew you would say that.
When getting a glass of water from the tap, you run the water so it gets cold and while it’s running you fill the glass a little, swish the water around then dump it out before you fill the glass again and actually drink the water.
Hey, it beats actually cleaning the glass.
I mean even when the glass is clean. Like straight out of the cupboard.
Yeah, but a bug might have been sitting in it in his filthy bug pants.
I like saying, “Excuse me!” and looking sheepish when something makes a really loud fart noise.
Well, yeah.
Or it might be dusty. From having sat in the cupboard for a day since it was last washed.