Cranky, mrsface, my point is, crashing a wedding is NOT okay. No, if I were the bride, I wouldn’t be rude, I would be kind and gracious, although if said people acted like assholes, I’d have them thrown out (if they were drunk and disruptive).
BUT…“bringing extra food makes it okay”…who the hell does this?
To accept a wedding invitation and then not show up is the height of rudeness. As Miss Manners says, the only excuse for blowing off such an occasion is serious illness or death, preferably your own. I’m not overstating it when I say if I invited 250 people who didn’t show up for my wedding, that would be 250 people I’d never speak to again.
But my idea of a great wedding – and here we’re totally into matters of taste, not etiquette – is a small one. Not “small” as some euphimism for “less than 100 people” but really small, like your immediate family, his immediate family, your best friends, his best friends, the minister, and that’s it. I’ve neve been much for the six matching bridesmaids and a horse drawn carriage wedding, and I become less interested in that as I grow older. I know this is the dream of a lot of American girls and women, but really it’s never been mine.
So the answer to “what would I do instead of register?” is probably tell anyone who inquired two or three suggested gifts (or have my mother or MIL do the same) and hope for the best, but really I’m never going to be in the position to get so many gifts I’d have to register for them. And this is a cultural thing, in which I freely admit I’m probably the freak, but there it is. (Plus, truth be told, any attempt at planning a full-scale wedding would probably result in the murder of my mother, who apparently didn’t exhaust her tulle fantasies on my sister, and then I’d end up in jail, and that would just be bad all around.)
But I would like it known that nothing I have said here should lead anyone to believe I attend anyone’s wedding and then sit in a corner sniffing disdainfully over all the “gauche” things they did that I wouldn’t do. I firmly believe that the true test of good manners and good breeding is the ability to make people feel welcome and at ease, and that only a small-minded and small-hearted person would spend their time picking apart someone else’s party. I bring good wishes to weddings, and the sincere hope that whatever the bridal couple chooses to do for their special day, it will be a perfect day for them and be everything they have dreamed. So do I think dollar dances are strictly correct? No. Do I pony up my dollar with a smile like everyone else, and enjoy it? Yes.
On a much smaller scale than Irish Rogue’s friend, only about 30% of the people who RSVPd to my mother’s wedding showed up. The money spent catering for the 35 or so people who never showed up was significant. No excuse there either. no natural disasters - no deaths.
There were more people in the a capella choir that sang for the wedding, then guests attending the wedding - it was infuriating for me, even though Mum took it in stride.
Jayjay, the dollar dance is more a regional/ethnic thing, so it’s not really “American.” The Czech side of my family never had a wedding without it. Oh yes, it violates a lot of tenets of etiquette, and it would be found tacky by many, but it is very much an expected family tradition among some of us poor slavic farm folk.
You’re right cranky, the money dance is a regional/ethnic thing, and varies from wedding to wedding, family to family. Whether one finds it tacky, is a personal thing, if you find it tacky, just don’t dance that dance.
The chicken dance however…
Sam:
Gee, Sam, talk about getting a clue. No realistic strapped-for-cash person should be HOSTING a reception where a few extra people showing up will break the bank. It’s fiscally irresponsible and a crappy way to start a new marriage.
Sam:
One word for you people who were “burned” by no-shows/overshows: buffet. No stress, no worries about extra guests, no making mental notes of who had the audacity to show up with an UNINVITED GUEST so that they can be on your lifelong shit list. Yes, your guests have to haul their ass out of their chair and stand in line, but THEY get to choose whether they want swiss or American on their roast beef sammich.
Not sophisticated? As my father used to say, it’s way more classy to drive a VW you can afford than to drive a BMW you can’t afford.
Did anyone say it would break the bank? No, I said it was annoying to watch money that didn’t need to leave my pocket leave it. No, I’m not rich. No, my Mother in Law is not rich. Did the money I got screwed for ruin my financially? No, and never did I give you that impression.
And fuck you for your judgement. Irresponsible? Crappy? Feh.
You’re a gem.
It was a buffet, Smartass. You don’t ask for a buffet from a caterer and they give you an unlimited number of people to feed. You give them a number, they give you a price per person. If you go over, they charge you. If you’re under, you don’t get your money back.
Maybe in OH-HI-OH, Buffets are free or not done per person, but nowhere here is it that way.
Sam
You had to pay a few extra bucks for these ill-mannered idiots, who were lucky you didn’t punch them in the mouth because not only did they show up uninvited at the celebration in honor of your wedding, but they didn’t bring a present equal to or exceeding the amount you paid for them. Not only did they cause you immeasurable annoyance, but it caused real cash money to leap will-nilly out of your wallet, squashing the many moths that have taken residence there.
Got it. Here in Oh-hi-oh, we call people like you “tight-asses.” And while that may be a compliment in Californey, it ain’t here.
Here in the backwater states, we order buffets in quantities of 25. Because they do not make trays of lasagna to feed THREE and it’s impossible to precisely determine how many ounces each guest. If your caterer has done his job right, you’ll have a buffer in case an extra 10 people show up. Or in case Aunt Dori gets in line first.
Things may be different in Californey, but our caterers don’t have trays of extra heated roast beef waiting out in the van in case 300 people show up. If 300 people were to show, we’d simply run out of food. Which wouldn’t be too much of an emergency because once the beer runs out the reception is pretty much over anyway.
Whatever Lisa, it’s pointless trying to have any type of discussion with you.
What’s this “money dance” everyone’s been talking about?
A money dance (also known in some quarters as the dollar dance or the apron dance) is a dance where guests pin money (or slip it into an apron pocket) to the bride and/or groom and dance with them. It’s a cherished wedding custom for most Mediterranean and Slavic cultures that started as a means for a well-meaning community to help a young couple get started in life.
Some folks see it as a normal part of wedding tradition like showers or wedding presents, others see it as a crass gimme, gimme moment. The tradition/tacky controversy has led a great many brides to adapt the dance so that play money, notes with well wishes for the couple, or pieces of candy are used instead of money.
enlightened
Thank you.
Someone asked why I thought it was kinda inconsiderate to invite someone without a guest. Of course, I can imagine all kinds of different situations. But at the heart of my thought were my impressions of hospitality.
Speaking in generalities, I generally think invitations should be as free of conditions as possible. For example, one generally oughtn’t invite someone into their home, and expect to dictate that the behave in a manner other than what is natural/confortable to them.
With weddings, different groups are often getting thrown together - each party’s family, and friends they made at various points in their lives. Some people will travel a distance, and incur considerable expense to participate. I do not have difficulty imagining circumstances where an invitee would be more comfortable and would enjoy the experience more if they were able to travel and attend with a companion.
IMO, the bride and groom are hosts. And as a host, my aim is to make my guests - and myself - as comfortable and happy as possible. IMO, a gracious host allows his or her guests to make the choice of what would make them most comfortable and maximize their enjoyment.
Moreover, the inviter may not know the up-to-date specifics of a guest’s social/romantic situation. Again, imagine the possibilities. 2 years ago you went to college with a guy. You were really good buddies and you want him at your wedding, but you haven’t kept in touch as regularly since you got out of college. You don’t realize that he has been in a torrid relationship over the past month with someone he considers may be his future lifemate. What a potentially uncomfortable situation you would be putting him in, having to expllain to his new sweetheart why he really wants to go to your wedding, but why she is not invited.
If finances are such an issue, then I suggest the preferable option is to scale down the invites. Or, cut down other expenses to permit you to invite more bodies. Or have a very small formal wedding/reception, and then a big low-budget party for everyone and their guests.
Speaking personally, I always wanted to attend weddings stag, as they were among the best opportunities to get laid. Hell, in high school and college, my buddy and I used to put on suits and head out to the hotels around the airport and crash weddings. A smorgasboard of open bars, live bands bands and DJs with no cover charge, and plenty of single women in party mode.
The wedding reception is supposed to be a gift to your friends and family. I would never consider inviting guests and not letting them bring a date. And the “engaged” caveat is even more insulting. If you can’t afford to invite couples, trim the number down or don’t have a reception.
What kind of buffet are you talking about, exactly? Here in NY, if I want to rent a American Legion hall or use my basement or backyard and hire a caterer, I can order by the tray or by a number of people. And if I order for 25 people, and know I can stretch it to 35, that’s fine. It does not work that way if I have a buffet in an actual catering hall, where I will be charged for every person there, and I will pay a different price for forty people than I will for fifty and the catering hall will know how many people are there because they will have to set up an extra table for those ten people.
I put “and guest” on all of nearly all of my wedding invitations, but that was because of all our friends happened to be in significant enough relationships that we knew the other person.( The people I didn’t invite “and guest” were some of my much younger cousins) But why, exactly, do some people treat weddings differently than any other event? I can’t imagine anyone saying that if I invite a single friend to dinner at my house, I should expect him or her to bring a guest whom I’ve never met. Or that if I invite my cousin to stay at my home over Christmas, I shouldn’t be upset if she decides (without asking me) to bring the guy she started going out with at Thanksgiving. What’s different about a wedding?
So, Dinsdale, are you saying that it’s incumbent upon the couple to invite a bunch of total strangers to their wedding on the off chance that one of them might be a new long-term SO?
I would think it far more appropriate for the friend in question to mention the fact that he’s in a hot-and-heavy relationship before the invitations go out. Otherwise, I’d have no problem whatsoever with him having to explain to the love of his life that he’s never bothered to mention her to his friends, and that’s why she wasn’t invited.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always thought that if people were truly that important to you, you actually kept in touch about important life events.
Of course, we had a very dear, close friend of DrJ’s at our wedding who was so very dear and close that a) I had never heard of him in the 8 years we’d been together and b) he didn’t know when or where we were getting married until someone else mentioned it to him three days ahead of time. So maybe it is just me.
“Supposed to be a gift,” huh?
Now, I’m single. Suppose I start dating some guy tomorrow. My best friend lives in California, so she doesn’t get the chance to meet him. She wins the lottery. At Christmas, she sends me and all her “friends and family” a gift of $100.
Do I have a right to sulk and pout and be all offended because she didn’t send $100 to my new boyfriend, even though she sent $100 to the spouses of her relatives and good friends?
What if she also sends $100 to fiance(e)s of her relatives and good pals? Do I have a right to sulk now?
What if she also sends $100 to the SOs of friends and relatives, if she’s met those SOs before and knows them? Now can I sulk and get all offended?
Ever hear the expression, “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth?”
If someone wants to invite certain people to their wedding, and not others, that’s their business. If you don’t like that you don’t get to bring a guest, fine. Don’t go. But don’t tell someone they have no right to limit a guest list in this manner, because they damned well do.
…especially since weddings are often billed per-person and can be as high as $50 or $100/head.
Well, you are welcome to pay for the extra several hundred dollars that it costs to accomodate them :rolleyes: My wedding was pretty cheap by formal wedding standards ($4,000 including dress, venue, food, photographer, videographer, etc.) but even with mine each extra guest was a sizable chunk of change.
Also… weddings are a personal thing. They are a life-changing event in the lives of two people. They are something you share with your friends and family… not with strangers and the world at large. Would you assume you could bring “who the hell you want” to any private ceremony? Or is it just weddings?
The rudeness of people never ceases to amaze me.
Exactly! Sorry, but my wedding wasn’t pot-luck. We went to a lot of effort deciding on exactly what food we wanted served and so on. It was served like this and someone plonking down some potato salad on the table would just NOT have been ok. :rolleyes:
