Some of you may recall a couple of weeks ago I posted that my 7th grade son got suspended from school. There is one kid who has been saying rude things to my son - and many other kids - since last year. My son hauled off on the kid after he called my kid’s mom a “dildo, a homosexual, and a whore.” He says other very unpleasant stuff like “You fuck your mother dry.” I could give you many other examples, but I suspect you get the picture. In my opinion, this goes a little beyond childhood name-calling.
According to my son, no one likes this boy. The school has intimated that the boy has some kind of emotional/behavioral problems.
My son and the other kid were both suspended for a day. Also, the other kid got in a fight with a third kid the same day - that third kis was also suspended for a day.
We wrote a letter to the school saying we would not appeal the suspension, because our kid should not fight at school. But we wanted the record to show that we had complained about this the previous school year, my son had asked his gym teacher to not make him be on the same team with this kid, and there was no supervision in the locker room where this took place.
Yesterday my son says the kid was repeatedly telling my son that he was gay and should go use the girls’ locker room. He said he tried to ignore it and subsequently wrote a note to his gym teacher, who told him he had handled it correctly.
Bullshit! It doesn’t seem right to me that my kid should have to be subjected to this kind of abuse on a regular basis. Today my wife is calling the assistant principal, and asking what they will do about this. Just wondering what thoughts you guys might have on this. How far do we push this? What should we expect/demand of the school?
It is one thing to say “ignore him,” but I sure would have a hard time ignoring someone at work who insulted me regularly. Don’t know why my kid should have to. And tho I can say “Don’t let it bother you,” it clearly DOES bother him. Which I think is understandable.
When I was still at school, I’d generally deal with it by using a ‘better’ insult, but as you said, the kid seems to have some sort of trouble (which may prevent him from seeing if he is being made a fool out of.) If you really want him to resort to physical violence, my father always told me a bash on the end of the nose did the least damage and hurt the most. But you don’t seem like you’re into that, so uhh, seems best to me that the other kid gets some sort of tuition, shrink, or special school to cater for his problem.
Dinsdale, most schools now have a no tolerance policy on fighting. If two kids fight they both get suspended regardless of who started it or did the most damage. Bring this up with the principal, the little shit should have been suspended too.
I suspect that, if the other kid has emotional problems and the school is doing nothing that there’s a loud parent on the other side threatening a lawsuit if anything happens to his kid. While it may be appropriate for your son to ignore the insults, I don’t think it’s appropriate for the school to ignore them. Unfortunately there’s little they can do. Suspending the kid only makes the problem stop for a day or two, it doesn’t solve it (many kids like this don’t want to be at the school in the first place, so this is like throwing him into the briar patch). It takes practically an act of congress to expel a kid these days, and if the kid has any emotional problems, you’re risking legal action if you do that. And many emotionally troubled kids are punish-proof.
You can try to raise hell with the school and hope you yell louder than the opposing parent, but it’s an uphill climb, and they honestly may not have that many options available to them. It’s a hole they’ve dug themselves into, and it’s not going to change in the current climate, not without a raft of lawsuits and some brave administrators.
Middle school is a savage, lawless place. There’s not much you or the school can do to force this kid to not act like an asshole. Ignoring him is probably the best solution, although if your son kicked his ass a few times, I’m guessing that he’d find someone else to harrass.
Maybe a lawsuit (or the threat of one) is in order. There’s no reason a kid should have to put up with that. I don’t know of an adult that would! You could either go after the school or directly after the kid’s parents. Couldn’t hurt to look into it.
The problem with trying to ignore something like that is, you still hear it. And my kid is on the sensitive end of the spectrum. And it does bother him, even if he doesn’t react.
He wears an earring (as do I) and yesterday he was suggesting he mght stop wearing it because that might make the jerk pick on someone else.
Tho I previously considered myself quite a pacifist, I found my views changing after he took it to this kid. And it seemed to work for a couple of days. And the other kids seemed to give my son more respect. Heck, some kids even asked him for his autograph.
My kids find the recommendation of “ignoring it” laughable. They say that just targets you as weak, and a better target. They have more daily experience of how kids interact in schools today than I.
I told my son to feel free to go back at him with the insults. And I’d brainstorm with him if he wanted.
But I think there is a limit to how many times I want my kid to be suspended. I have told him, tho, not to fight this kid on school grounds.
If this kid has some kind of “disability,” does the school have an obligation to tell us what it is that we are supposed to be understanding of?
I’ll let you know what the missus learns from the school today.
Continuing EchoKitty’s idea of a lawsuit–is it possible for a school student to bring a lawsuit for sexual harrassment? Because that’s clearly what this is (at least in part), and that kind of suit tends to be taken seriously.
As a card-carrying nerd who survived high school, I can give a little advice in these matters.
Don’t ignore: This just sets you up as a more tempting target, and makes it more satisfying when you crack.
React: React in a way that they don’t want you to. Get administration involved for the major/longstanding stuff. I have found that the people who call you gay are usually shut up by a good hug.
I had similar problems in school as your kid, and you guys have my sympathy. It’s a very hard situation. Things changed when I started doing martial arts…the atmosphere of respect and discipline completely changed my attitude towards life and the people giving me a hard time. I’m not suggesting your kid learn to kick his ass, i have never struck out against anyone in that way, its just a very constructive and useful thing to do. I do agree that the kid in question does need some kind of professional attention, but I would recommend Martial Arts as a good starting point for your kid.
Papertrail, papertrial, papertrail. This kid may well have some sort of emotional problem, and there are genuine emotional problems that can casue this sort of thing and which are really no one’s fault. However, just because it’s no one’s fault dosen’t mean that your child deserves to be abused–he dosen’t. However, for the school to take steps–such as putting this child in a more restrictive enviroment–they need a clear and unambigous papertrail. Document everything he says to your child–word for word. Document every communication you have with the school about this child. And make sure that the school knows that you consider this 1. abuse that they must stop and 2. that you are documenting everything. Remind them everytime you talk to them “I have a stack of papers an inch thick full of times that Johnny has told my son that his mother sucks monkey’s cock. When are you going to do something about this?”
I disagree with those who say that ignoring the problem isn’t effective.
There were several people who picked on me mercilessly in my middle school years. For the whole of 6th and half of 7th grades, I shot back clever insults and caustic comments. The torments never abated.
Then one day in 7th grade, I decided to just ignore it. The abuse didn’t stop entirely and not all at once, but it was noticably less. Those punks were trying to provoke a reaction in me. When I gave them no reaction at all and just sat there with a straight face, looking in a different direction or staring at a book as if I couldn’t hear them at all, they moved on to more entertaining targets. It’s no fun fist-fighting with someone who won’t fight back. The same goes for verbal assaults.
To the OP, I would be hesitant to get too involved in this. It could backfire. Suppose the other kids get wind of what you’re doing. They may see it as evidence that your son can’t fight his own battles and needs to call mommy and daddy in to save him. Right or wrong, I know the kids at my school would have seen it that way.
You may also want to remind your son that things will be much better in high school, and better still in college.
Being a high school senior I vividly remember middle school and the first two years of high school as being hell on earth. Being sensitive made it worse (although I got massive action so it balanced out). Kids like you describe seem to be placed in “special” classes about half-way through sophomore years. Unlike your typical asshole these ones will not stop. That being the case your options are enumerated as follows
1.Ignore him and report him to administration
pros: you don’t get in trouble
cons: you look like a wuss and it will not do
much unless many people complain
2. Insult the kid
pros:feels good/can be used in conjunction with 1.
cons:does not do much/ may lead to 3.
3.Start a fight (this is what usually happens if you insult him enough and throughout middleschool and the first two years of highschool I got into a fight the first month of school and was left alone for the rest of the year)
pros:generally stops if you beat them badly
enough/respect and satisfaction
cons:suspension/ you might lose
4.(The option that no one has mentioned because it is wrong and evil) Start making fun of someone else who is weaker than you
pros:almost always works
cons:wrong/you seem like a jack ass
Personally I would insult the kid until he threw the first punch and then beat him up and claim self defense. You still get suspended but it does not go on your permanent record and IF your son beats him enough then the jr. jackass will stop
I’m going to suggest that first you go back to the administration and explain to them that if they don’t protect your child’s right to an education by dealing with the little monster, their ass is hanging out in the breeze, waiting to be fucked by a lawsuit. You need a papertrail to make this really frightening, but legal precedent is on your side.
Also, contact the other kid’s parents. Get a read on them beforehand if you can. They may be competent, capable adults who won’t let junior off the hook, but will nail him to the wall as soon as they find out about his behavior. They might be wishy-washy codependent spineless amateurs who need to have the consequences of their parenting pointed out to them with footnotes for legal and economic ramifications. Or they might be hostile assholes who should be served with papers. Of course, if you really want to make them miserable, report them to Child Protective Services and say they’re neglecting their child’s emotional welfare.
I think a face-to-face meeting with the school authorities would be better than letters, or better still, do both - insist on a meeting to discuss the matter, put your complaint in writing and deliver it by hand at the meeting.
Are there any ‘higher authorities’ to which you can bring the matter?