My stepdaughter’s calls to her mother in Tampa hadn’t been returned for several days, so Friday, knowing what this may have meant, we asked a relative to check in on her.
From how she was found I have the consolation that she died painlessly and in peace, not under the influence of alcohol or on impulse during one of her tormented periods. I’ve had three major crying episodes: the first one right away was for my stepdaughter’s sake, later for my poor, doomed wife, and finally, this morning for my own sake.
That morning’s episode was because I realized that she’d probably spent her last hours resigned to her decision, perhaps went to the waterfront or to a park to say goodbye to this world, and then went back home to finish her life. She always liked being alone, and although this made life’s problems even more difficult for her, in the end it’s where she found peace. In such a state she had to know, even if it didn’t matter very much to her, that I loved her and that I’d surely forgive her this thing as I’d forgiven a thousand things before.
So I was finally able to mourn the beautiful, mysterious girl I fell in love with in 1986, not the raging, isolated person she later became. My wife had done some terrible, terrible things to us, but I couldn’t love an evil person. I loved a sick person.
Life begins and life ends. It’s a shame that she felt the need to interrupt that cycle, but at least, as you said, she died painlessly. I can’t imagine what it could possibly be like to lose someone that close to me, so even sympathy is beyond my limited grasp. Still, I have tears in my eyes.
“I was finally able to mourn the beautiful, mysterious girl I fell in love with in 1986.” A fitting tribute, Slithy Tove.
I am so sorry to hear your news Slithy Tove. I went through something similar 20 years ago and it still haunts me. Mine lived - but only because I found before she died. It is so amazingly tough to go through. I wish I could make it easier for you.
It took me years to understand that it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I could do. We are brought up with this wonderful fairy tale that love conquers all and for many many years I thought that it was my fault - clearly I didn’t love her enough, or the right way or some such. That is silly, I know now, but it took a long time for me to figure it out.
Nothing I can say here will make the pain go away, but know that you are in my thoughts. Sending supporting thoughts your way.
I know there are no words to ease your hurt. I still trip over the pain of my son’s suicide. Just know that it will get easier.
Cry, cry your heart out. It helps.
I’m sorry for your loss.
My condolence, too, Slithy,
It sounds like you understand the depths of sadness your ex went through, and so wonderfully love her through that, still. What can you do now except love your (step)daughter, and help her get through it. Your gift is to hold up the beautiful girl to her in the future, so Mom is not as lost as she thought she was.
Cry, no shame in that. I hope your tears open up to solace, and peace of heart.
Goodnight and thank you all so very much; those of you who’ve posted and the many who’ve looked in. I know I will eventually accept this, and I know I can only do that through love.
Your post was a fine one, Slithy Tove. This is a sad time, but it does allow you - finally - to grieve for someone who got lost. That you and your stepdaughter have that is something to be both thankful and a little proud for.
