** Organizing a memorial service. Help?
A used car salesman?**
“I’ll discount Uncle Bob’s funeral 20% and throw in your next month’s rent, if you’re ready to bury NOW. Say, ever think about rustproofing the coffin? Lifetime guarantee!!”
I say “Christianity” What’s the first thing you think of?
A used car salesman?
“And here we have a like-new Messiah, fresh from being refurbished! Took only three days in the shop.”
I say “Christianity” What’s the first thing you think of?
School projects, Stepford children, and coping with feelings of inadequacy
** Suppose the Catholic Church made amends for the scandals. What would you like see them do?
A used car salesman? **
It has a certain appeal…nah, too perverse.
I say “Christianity” What’s the first thing you think of?
Are day traders parasitse?
And lo! Jesus threw the day traders out of the temple. Then He had lunch with a bond salesman.
** I say “Islam” What’s the first thing you think of?
Tell me about your robot vacuum! **
It only travels towards Mecca. 
Are tattoos way overplayed by now?
Tell me about your hysterectomy
OK, now the body modification craze is just going too far.
I say “Christianity” What’s the first thing you think of?
Crazy screaming lady
Oh, you’ve met my neighbor?
** Just who is getting shot/killed?
Young inner-city males and work**
Well, that’s a little racist, innit?
**Stuff that took you too long to realize
Apparently, I work part-time. **
I could have saved myself all that showing up at nine and hanging around until five every goddamned day.
Once again, the Dope is superseded by the real world.
**I’m getting exiled to Pliocene Europe, and I’m bringing…
Romney Sons, Weird? **
Yes, that’s a very odd choice.
** I’m getting exiled to Pliocene Europe, and I’m bringing…
Movie Quote Free Association**
“Hey, in exchange for some of that mastodon meat, would you like to hear my favorite quotes from Chinatown?”
** a question for lesbians - Something I’ve never understood…
I think my apartment is causing nosebleeds, what do I do**
What Do Cats Do That Annoys You?
Existential Cat Wins Award
…and then Fluffy started quoting Heidegger. Totally ruined the mood, especially since she was on the litter box at the time. We never mentioned that last part to the judging committee.
I don’t think Christ is the right one to ask…
So, how’s your baby?
Ask the guy using Dragon speech recognition to write his posts
“My baby is so coot, she’s bin crawling awl over and just leaned to sai Da-Die.”
My sister died yesterday, relatively unexpectedly
The expiration date is not important!
You’d feel differently if it were your sister, bub.
** At the bottom of the ocean, is there any current?
Obama’s Deficits**
Yeah, I know, and the Social Security lockbox is down there too. But that doesn’t really answer the question.
**I think my apartment is causing nosebleeds, what do I do
Go downta’ da corner der and get a quarta’ milk der from da machine der **
Dat 'ill solve da prob’em
So, How Does One Find a Sugar Momma?
Woman Plagued by "Furious Masturbators"
They’re just advertising.
** Why are there no large breasted women in television commercials?
Consequences of Iran-Israel War?**
Peace now! Peace now!