Ya know, I see it as this – who is more important to you, the gf or your kids? I know I might be in the minority here, but I’d sooner drop the gf and her potentially dangerous kid than allow that kid to affect my kids.
When my niece decided it would be a good idea to have unprotected sex at age 11 and pop out her first kid at age 12, she ceased being welcome in my home. Not because she is a bad kid or I thought that my kids would never be exposed to others like her, but because it was a simple enough decision to try to protect my own from that mentality.
I do point out that I had already had the “this is how you get pregnant, this is how you don’t get pregnant, this is why you don’t want to get pregnant” conversation with my daughter by that time (the sex discussion was had very early in our home, and in fact was updated regularly because I never wanted to hear “I didn’t know” as an excuse), but well, that was a choice I made to protect my daughter from a mindset that thought it appropriate to do such things.
Do I expect my daughter (or son) to remain virginal until marriage? Nope. But I do expect them to have enough brain cells to use protection, not just against pregnancy, but STDs, too. I know your concern is far larger than sex, but this is my experience, perhaps it will help you make your decision. I offer it without pretense.
It’s a hard decision to make, because one always wants to have hope and/or try to be a “good person” – but in the end, you have to make the right choices for you and your family, even if those decisions seem to make you a shallow/callous person to others.
I would think it’s not even so much the behavior as the drama. When someone’s that dysfunctional, everyone else in the house gets drawn into their mood swings and loud scenes and aggression. BT, DT, GTS.
Wow. You may want break from patting yourself on the back for a moment, to consider that one of the things you’ve taught your children is that Mom or Dad has no qualms about exiling a *12 year old * who did a stupid thing. When your kids fuck up and need help (and they will, because that’s what kids do), you will be the very last person they’ll come to.
Belrix, I don’t know what to say, other than that if you stay with this woman, you WILL be dealing with this for the next few years. And it’s going to suck. There are ways of managing it so that your kids aren’t affected, but it will mean keeping your girlfriend at the margins of your kids’ lives, and yours. Integrating your families won’t be possible, so really you’ll be maintaining parallel lives. Separate homes, separate vacations, separate holidays… a sort of limbo, for years past the point when most couples ordinarily would have either *really * committed, or broken up. This may be okay with you (and her). Only you can know that.
On the bright side, the girl is entirely likely to grow out of it and turn out fine. The vast majority of us do.
Stick to your determination, that you will not subject your children to this teen. I know people that have had their kid almost killed by a person like this teen. I know a family that both parents had divorced and then married each other. The two kids they had together, were doing great at life in general. He gets custody of his two previous marriage children, and the problems begin. The other kids start doing the same shit the half siblings were doing. After the two kids went back for a month to visit mom. They return to the fathers household, and all Hell breaks loose. The Daughter is tramping around, and both of the kids are committing crime that would put an adult in jail. The bad kid’s mother had had different guys over every night and rutted in front of the kids. The girl came back figuring there wasn’t a problem with screwing all the time. After this the father’s kids were sent away, and they just managed to save the two kids the had together. The marriage broke up after this also. One of the youngest did end up in jail though after hitting 18, but she seems to be getting straightened out.
Wow, youmay want to stop assuming that you are all-knowing. I was not “patting myself on the back” as you put it. I was saying that it was a difficult decision to make. What my children have learned from this situation (feel free to ask them yourself the next time you are hanging out with them – I assume that you know them as well, if not better than I, based on your intimate knowledge of what I have taught them) is that making one mistake is human (1 mistake = unprotected sex), making the same mistake repeatedly is moronic (this child is now 21 and is pregnant with child #6).
If that is the type of person you would choose to have around your children, then go for it – they’re a dime a dozen these days. I can’t choose who my children make friends with, but I can choose what members of my extended family they are forced to interact with – I made the right decision for me and mine. Thank you for the condescension, though – it’s always a nice break on a message board.
I’d also like to see a cite for your mention that “the vast majority” grow out of it.
You make it sound like they tossed their niece onto the street. They just asked the niece to not come into their home and teach her children that it’s ok for 12-year olds to have children.
A coworker is having trouble with her nephew right now. The nephew spent a number of years with his loser mom. Spending time in Mexico with her biker-a-day habit, watching her get drunk, high, and laid in front of him. Lots of other colorful behaviors.
Her four year old daughter just told her that this 8-year old cousin has been “touching” her.
I wouldn’t blame her for a nano-second if they made this nephew persona-non-grata.
One piece of parenting advice I’ve taken to heart, “Don’t worry because your kids never listen to you. Worry that they’re all watching you.”
This sounds like a long-winded version of, “I’m not responsible for I did. It’s not my fault. They did this to me.”
I recognize that kids are affected by their environment, as you say you were affected by yours. That’s the whole point of my posting, really. You’re blaming your environment for what you were doing and then somehow trying to say that I shouldn’t worry because “she’ll grow out of it” and it’s somehow normal because “all teenage girls are crazy”. I shouldn’t worry because this behavior is no worse than public school.
For the record, my three sisters and I were in public school. None of us are or were drug-users. Theives. Been arrested. Been in rehab. Prematurely pregnant (or, in my case, causing pregnancies).
Dreadfully normal, really. Maybe I can thank my parents for this. Maybe you can blame your parents for yours.
Maybe it’s just the choices you made.
Would you like to try to claim you didn’t know you were doing wrong when you were living your “troubled” life?
Litoris let’s say a 28 year old woman got pregnant by a married man. She has the child knowing her family would shun her(no, they are not Amish). She raised the child even though she had no support from her family(except the younger sister who was on welfare).
What happens to this child now? Her Aunts and Uncles disavow her. She has no father to speak of. But, hey, what if if this child made something of herself? What if she thinks her mother is a goddess instead of some insane woman who gave birth to a child she didn’t want? What if this woman worked her fingers to the bone so you could have anything you wanted? What if this woman gave her soul so you could go to college? If she got pregnant at thirteen, it would be sad, but would it be the end of the world? Please, I beg you, do not shun your niece. She needs you now more than ever.
A 12 year old kid who gets pregnant is a victim of child abuse not someone you need to protect your children from. I’d say a lot more but this isn’t the Pit.
And you don’t feel that her continued bad behavior may have something to do with people writing her off when she was 12 (or long beforehand, I’d wager, for her to be in that situation)? Because hey, if you’d cut her off when she did the same stupid thing again, I’d say your case has some merit. But you didn’t, you did it when she was 12. Perhaps if someone had helped the child out, she wouldn’t be living the life she is now. Congratulations on being one of the many people who’ve failed her.
It strikes me that one good way to teach your children that having a baby at 12 isn’t okay would be to let them get a good look at frikkin’ *hard * it is. All you teach them by shunning her is that all it takes is one good fuckup to find yourself shunned.
Yes, I would. I had a lot of problems when I was a child, and I had many what the fuck moments with my mom. She wasn’t always there for me, and we have made peace on that front now. But one thing we agree on is that she should have been there when I needed her. Didn’t matter if if it was 7:00am or 1:00am, it is understood now that my needs as a pre teen should have been met. I won’t even go into my needs as a teenager.
Isn’t that the way things work? Get convicted of one felony, and you’ll never be able to vote in federal elections, commit one ‘sex crime’ and you’ll forced to be on a sexual offenders registry, and be shunned by the people who live around you…Why should extended family be any different?
Other than one being a crime, what’s the difference?
People are shunned for non-criminal behavior, too. Companies definately do not like it when someone who works for them ‘blows the whistle’, but that usually isn’t a crime.
My point is that people are shunned for all sorts of reasons, and I don’t see why getting pregnant at 12 should be any different, nor why the fact that someone is a member of your extended family means that you should try to help them any more than you’d try to help a stranger.
Yag Rannavach, we’ve had a discussion in a different thread about your disinclination (or inability, but that’s your call so I won’t make it) to differentiate between people in terms of your like or dislike for them, so you’ll have to take my word for it that family is family, and you do what you can for them.
Getting pregnant at 12 is a horrible situation, and one would hope that people would be willing to help the child out, if for no other reason than because she’s a child. And frankly, “one being a crime” is, in my mind at least, a pretty significant difference.
Are you actually saying that you think it’s okay to be cruel to a child who made a mistake and is suffering rather disproportionate punishment? Because I don’t want to assume that.
I’m saying that being extended family does not obligate you to help. You have no more reason to attempt to help the child of someone in your extended family than you do the child of a distant friend, or random stranger. Further, you should not sacrifice your children for the sake of helping someone else’s.
The consequence of my position on this issue is that you should not attempt to help the child if you believe it would cause trouble in your children. You also should not help the child if you would not help someone who is not family (but has the same ‘friendship’ status) in a similar situation.
Belrix, I’ve read a number of your threads. About your split and subsequent dating experiences. I doubt you’re going to give my advice much thought, but here it is: You’re making a BIG mistake in getting involved w/ another woman this soon after your split. You need to take AT LEAST a year and concentrate on your personal life, learn to live alone until you enjoy being by yourself, or just w/ your children w/o a woman in the picture. Once your comfortable w/ those things, then you might start looking for an ocassional date, not the love of your life, just a date now and then. Things will progress naturally, you will be much more content and your children will benefit greatly. This thread has only served to strengthen my conviction that you’re on the wrong track. What’s w/ all this stupid drama? If you’re truly interested in putting your children first, which is the right way to go, then you’ll stop worrying about your sex life and get serious about yourself and your children. Trust me, I’ve been there, if you keep playing your current game, you’re going to have serious regrets a decade or so down the line and make no mistake, your kids are going to pay a price too.
If it’s a question of proving something to your ex, which I suspect has a lot to do w/ it, then you’re on a fool’s errand.
Companionship and real love are great, but being a whole man, standing alone and making sure your children have a good role model are more important than your ego.
Jiminy Christmas, not even divorced all the way yet (if I read the thread correctly) and involved with someone with this kind of drama.
How do you think it will affect your idea of 50% custody to have someone in your house who is possibly using drugs, and/or bringing in “boyfriends” who are willing to shag a 14 year old?
I’d post more if most of it hadn’t been said already.