Post 55 reads to me like the OP has figured it out for himself, showing consideration for the young woman’s internal conflicts and ultimate decision.
Men and women get frustrated when they focus on their crush as withholding a relationship they deserve. It’s a mental process call an idée fixe, and like all idée fixes (such the practice as waging arguments you’d like to make on message boards despite the fact that that it not what’s under discussion), it’s hard to snap out of.
The best solution is to draw your focus away from “I deserve someone based on time & effort invested; assessed compatibility; his or her hotness; how beautiful our babies would be, etc.” to “I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them.”
I’ve used this method after years of disastrous alternative thinking (which included the subconscious assumption that a relationship in my adult years would come to counterbalance the shitty times of my childhood. That idée fixe had to go, too).
The girl just got out of a long relationship and was interested in maybe some getting some fresh action w/ no strings attached as many people out of long relationships do.
Possibly had interest in getting that action from the OP here, but in their initial interactions and conversations either a) decided that he was a big ol’ “nope” on that option, or b) he indicated that he’s looking for love and a real relationship (nothing wrong with this) at which point she decided “oh well, I was just hoping for a quick lay or two but this is gonna be too much work.”
Girls can be hounds too, you know. And that’s not a bad thing.
Dude, if you want to get in the pants then you need to lead with that. By day two she’s already decided if she would sleep with you or not. If that’s what you’re in it for, then get it out of the way early. NOT like, ‘To the bed, woman!’ but make it clear you’re interested in a date-date. If you go in all buddy-buddy and then spring it on her later, that’s not the best. That’s like “Hey! Do you want to be friends? … With my penis?” It’s no good.
The focus on “If only you’d rolled out your desire to fuck her earlier you would have had a chance” is misguided. The whole “women decide in five minutes whether you’re fuckable” is also kind of sad.
It’s certainly true that women have criteria by which they judge whether someone is a potential romantic partner, but the “five seconds” rule implies that if you put on a good display in the first five seconds you’re fuckable, but if you come off as lame in that five seconds you’re a scrub, and a scrub forever. That’s not how it works. Women aren’t exactly the same as men, it’s true, but they’re still human beings.
Guys, I’ve had more than one female friend that I knew for years, and later started a romantic relationship with. How is that possible? I was friendzoned! I was deemed a loser! She decided in 5 seconds she didn’t want to fuck me! So how the heck am I married to a woman that I had been friends with for 3 years before we started a romantic relationship?
She wants you to make a big show of it. On Valentines Day, serenade her outside her window dressed as a cupid with a bow and arrow. Decorate your car’s outside with flowers and hearts and drive up to wherever she lives to take her out. Stay in the outfit.
Dudes act like not bagging a woman is a tragedy on their quest to get laid, but having a platonic girlfriend is a valuable asset. If you make a good impression you can leverage it so she hooks you up with her friends. There’s also a general social benefit in hanging out with lots of women. Just like getting a job, it pays to network. No reason to go it alone.
The discontinuity is that women generally like male companionship for its own sake, whereas a lot of guys place very little value on female companionship.
For a lot of straight men there’s only one reason to interact with women. The actual socializing is a means to an end, if not just part of the cost of sex – they find a woman’s company a total waste of their time and literally don’t care about anything you have to say and just play along. A lot of women know that men are obsessed with sex to an extent, but not the underlying disdain that leads to quotes like “you don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterward.”
This study touches on the psychology of platonic friendships.
One of the biggest “no shit, Sherlock” studies of all time if you ask me, but news to some people.
I think people are being waaaaay too defensive with regards to the word “friendzone”. No it doesn’t mean a guy was “tricked” in to becoming a friend. It doesn’t assume women do it just because they are starving for male attention. It just means she likes a guy all right but with no romantic interest. That’s it.
It doesn’t imply she did something wrong. It’s just something the guy didn’t want. And yes, when a guy uses the term it means he probably doesn’t desire a friendship. So what?
Not sure if you were responding to me, but I’m going to assume so if that’s cool. If not, sorry dude!
Nonono. If OP’s interested in a relationship only, then it’s better for all involved to get that out of the way early. It has nothing to do with his chances.
My use of a female pronoun does not indicate some sweeping generalization about all women everywhere.
Serious Q: Do you not decide if you’d sleep with someone upon meeting them? I mean, yeah probably not the specific ‘I want to see you naked.’, but you’re either attracted or you’re not. That’s not the sort of thing that grows on me. I have never in my life looked at one of my female friends and thought, “Well, now that I’ve gotten to know you, it has dawned on me that I have interest in being in your pants.” That’s not a thing that has happened to me. I meet you, and afterward your chances pretty much stay the same or go down. Am I an outlier here?
**Edited to add:
Also, holy crap. This girl has done nothing wrong.
Friendzone is a useful term for those guys who are just looking for a romantic relationship. Certainly men and women can be friends, but some guys are just pretending to be friends in order to have a relationship. They think that by continuing to hang around, do nice things, and be “friendly”, she’ll eventually have a change of heart. By calling it friendzone, it’s clarifies the issue. If the only thing he wants is a romantic relationship, it lets him know that’s not really a possibility. If he truly wants to be friends–not a phony, facade of a friend–then it shouldn’t be a problem to be in the friendzone. And the irony is, if he can truly let go and just be friends, then there may be a chance for something more to develop.
Sure, using the term might not indicate the poisonous views ascribed to it, but look at the first page of this thread. How many posters suggested she was “playing” him? How many times was it suggested that she was doing it for attention? I don’t have any strong indications that OP is particularly bad, but it is pretty hard to say that attitude doesn’t exist in the thread.
I dunno, but I think people are being overly harsh on the OP. The thing that stuck out to me is that she discussed Valentine’s Day extensively with him. Now she could have been planning some sort of singles hang out that night, but without being specific that just suggesting a date.
Of course she gave him reason to believe that she wouldn’t be shocked if he asked her out. And she wasn’t shocked, when he asked her out she told him that she’d been expecting it. So she knew that her actions could have encouraged him, and maybe at the time she really was encouraging him, but that she had decided she wasn’t ready for a romantic relationship (with him). Of course “I’m not ready” is just one of those things people say when they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, it should be understood as “No thanks”.
She didn’t roll her eyes, she didn’t point and laugh, she didn’t slap him in the face when he asked her out, she didn’t roll a die to arbitrarily put him the the “fuckable” or “loser” category.
The only thing I’ll harsh on him for is the word “friendzone” and the attitude behind it. Holding on to that sort of mindset isn’t going to help him in his future quest for romance with someone else. He’s entitled to feel disappointed that her apparent initial interest in him isn’t going to develop, but blaming her for doing something wrong, or blaming himself for not acting alpha-male-y enough is counterproductive.
Not a completely true set of assumptions, but not completely untrue either. It’s a lot easier to be “friends” with a woman you have little to no sexual interest in, or attraction to. If men knew definitively upfront that they had absolutely no shot with women they considered approachable relationship-wise they would be far less attentive to them, or interested in being buddies with them.
I realize this is offensive on various levels, but if you are in the cohort of women they consider attractive, datable or approachable and sex is not remotely on the table male interest in being platonic friends with you is likely to be minimal, or if they find you interesting physically and intellectually (and sex is still a known no go) they will avoid you so as to not be frustrated. Being platonic buddies with someone you potentially want to fuck is emotionally challenging for men, and sometimes it’s best to avoid the temptation entirely.
If sexual interest is off the table friendship is much, much easier.