K thanx.
BTW, one solid piece of advice I did get (albeit thru PM) was for me and my gf to agree on a “safe word”, just in case one of us isn’t comfortable. I hadn’t thought of that and it makes sense.
The safe word when my wife and I play with others is “banana”. Free free to use it!
No, no, no. Not “banana”, that makes me feel threatened. How about “plantain”? I’d be more comfortable with plantain. :o
You do know that the purpose of an advice thread isn’t just to tell you that what you want to do is a great idea? And I do have personal experience in a/ living with BPD and b/ being married for 20 years and still very happy: not, thankfully, to the same person. All of this experience is telling me - and most other posters in this thread - that taking a woman with serious personality issues that she is still working to process into an emotionally fraught situation that most well-grounded couples would struggle with is a catastrophically bad idea, and it’s almost certainly your catastrophically bad idea.
I’m not asking about BPD. Or marriage. Advice from those who’ve done something similar is what I asked for; not “yes man” responses. That being said, I DO appreciate all the advice given. 
Very much. I am hearing all the things said and I am mulling everything over.
And if you are going to make up your own mind as to the truth of this situation, so be it. I can’t control that. But this was NOT a decision borne out of thin air. As a couple we have been evolving for some time, sexually as well as emotionally, and this is something that was agreed on after much discussion and examination. As someone who is close to someone with BPD, you know better than most that it’s an incredibly individual condition. What works for one may very well not work for another. But our relationship is strong, the strongest, closest relationship of my life.
Then I’m sure you’d consider all (or most) of our experiences leading up to this as “catastrophically bad” decisions too. That’s ok.
“Actually I’m not even Catholic. I’m Jewish.”
“You’re not Catholic? Then why are you telling me this?”
“Are you kidding? I’m telling everyone!”
I wouldn’t even say it’s a bad idea in general, just that it’s a bad idea to rush in expecting zero negative consequences. There are plenty of things that are “hot” sexually, but so few with the potential to blow up in your face like this. This isn’t like bondage or dressing up as animals or whatever, it’s bringing actual living breathing humans into the picture and it will affect the dynamic of the relationship somehow. The question is exactly how. There is no way to know, but we can make some solid guesses based on existing relationship dynamics, and if we’re smart, we have plans ready for any of those issues should they be exacerbated.
But apparently personally knowing numerous couples who had sex with other people, and being myself in a stable relationship for 14 years, and being raised by someone with BPD, counts for shit. I personally would like to see this relationship work out at least in part because I want some tangible demonstration that a BPD diagnosis isn’t in and of itself a death knell for relationships and that we don’t have to villainize everyone who is so diagnosed. But to pretend it isn’t a factor in every aspect of the relationship, including sex, is just asking for that prophecy to fulfill itself.
So yeah, I’m going to push back. Only because I care.
Ok, first, who is acting like her personality issues aren’t a factor here? Not me, that’s for sure. And we’ve already brought other living, breathing humans into our sex life. With NO negative repercussions. Now those were only girls, so the dynamic is not at all the same. But we’re not starting from 0 here.
And in no way am I trying to discount your experiences here. However, knowing swinging couples is different than being swingers. Your knowledge of the goings on and the feelings involved are limited, naturally.
And thank you. Push back all you’d like. It’s enjoyed and appreciated.
It sounds like an adventure, Ambivalid, and I hope it works out totally swingin’ for you and the GF. But regardless, I hope you’ll post a follow up, and by all means spare no detail!
Will do!
I feel like this is a relevant bit of info and I’m sorry if I missed it earlier. As I think I stated before, I really have no ethical issue with what people do in their own sex lives, I just think it’s prudent for those decisions to be well thought-out.
In that vein, I’m surprised you and your gf didn’t sit down with her therapist to discuss this, and I’m doubly surprised you don’t know what she discusses with her therapist. I give my husband a brief recap on therapy every time I have it, if only to keep him updated with what’s been on my mind. I’ve dragged him in to sit-down sessions for much less critical things than having sex with another couple. I realize not everybody operates with such a high level of communication, but this is kind of a big deal. Your gf’s therapist might know issues to look out for specific to your gf.
This is actually good advice. I’ll talk to her about this. Thus far, I give her ample space to talk about her therapy. I don’t bring it up more than asking her how its going for her. I’ve always been fairly private re my own therapy, so I’ve approached hers the same way.
But I definitely will discuss this with her. Tonight.
I kind of disagree with that advice. For me, my therapist is my sanctuary. I can discuss anything with her and it is private, always–I don’t give recaps to my husband.
If you want to discuss your adventurous plans with a therapist, I recommend finding a couples therapist, unless your gf is gung ho 'yeah lets go to MY therapist to hash this out".
As far as your swinging plans, while I have no first hand experience (nor do I want to, not my thing), I know several people who have embraced this as a lifestyle. I think it is more common than most people know. I think if you think it through & discuss everything properly, you can avoid the pitfalls. Have fun and good luck!
I’m only going to bring it up to her and see what she thinks. Like I’ve said, I have always considered therapy a private thing. What I considered good advice was the idea of broaching the subject with my gf, not necessarily that we discuss the therapy itself.
I really meant what I said. I’m not a cold bucket of water. I’m not a spoilsport.
Sure, you may get to have something which I never ever will… but there really are dangers.
I’m going to change-up the subject line a little:
I chop up firewood and I save the sticks that drop from the trees as kindling. I do this because sometimes, right about now, I like to burn wood in a fire-pit & watch it burn while drinking a glass of wine.
In the bottom of the fire pit, I sank an old cast iron skillet that someone was going to throw out. Sometimes, because lighting a fire is hit or miss, before I get started I’ll drop half of a 12-oz tin can full of gasoline into that old skillet.
Then, after the empty tin can is well away and after I know the fire pit is full of leaves and wood, I get the wood matches out.
Often, I have been tempted to light that match and gravity-drop it from above.
I never do though.
Other times, I’ve wanted to bend down and bring a lit match close to the bottom of the fire pit.
I don’t do that either.
In the end, though its less fun, I strike the match 5-6 feet away and throw it at the fire pit. Sometimes it doesn’t light.
Sometimes, when it does, there is a huge WHUMP! and every bit of wood inside jumps into flames.
Its at those times that I’m Mighty Damn Grateful that I never got myself one bit closer with that lit match.
BROTHER, THAT GAS IS POURED… AND YOU’RE THE MAN WITH THE MATCHES!!!
Not Said To Be Hurtful
Said So You’ll Be Careful
Understood and appreciated. This isn’t something being impulsively pursued, by either of us. We’ve sat and talked in great length about this. And we both want it. Our sex life together has been the most exhilarating of my life and it’s only continued to get better with time. Everything we’ve tried thus far has been a success (threesomes with other girls, tying up, whipping, public sex and more) so I’m less than worried about this newest possibility.
All of that being said, I do realize that this is inherently risky. That’s part of the appeal. The key for us is that we’ve weighed and discussed the risks and are comfortable with them. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling happy. It’s bizarre. And intoxicating.
I’m just curious, Ambi - is there anything that anyone could have said in this thread that would have made you re-think this?
I am explicitly NOT saying you shouldn’t do it, but you sound very much like a friend of mine who used to ask me for “advice,” but who really only wanted my approval. Once he had decided on a particular path, there was never anything I could say to change his mind.
I definitely recognize not everybody is comfortable with that level of sharing, it’s just something submitted for consideration. And sometimes recap = “How was therapy?” “Good. I have guilt. Nothing new.” It’s not like I’m expected or required to tell him everything, it just usually goes that way because he’s so easy to talk to.
We did have a couple’s therapist I found kind of useless, and we both like and trust my individual therapist with all sorts of issues, so it’s not like a big ordeal to pull my husband in on a session occasionally. People will have various levels of comfort with this and that’s okay… Just submitting it for consideration.
Did your friend ask you for “advice” on things with which you had actual experience? 
If so, I’m not like your friend. I think if someone who’s gone thru what I’m talking about here (or something similar) told me something negative, I’d thoroughly listen and legitimately consider the advice. So far, however, the only advice I’ve received from those in the know is to not listen to all the naysayers here. 