Taking the leap into polyamory; advice and experiences appreciated

In My Humble Opinion
101

I don’t know anything about swinging but I’m really not sure why there has been so much negativity in this thread. Maybe I read too much “Savage Love” but I’ve never been under the impression that swinging between 4 willing people/2 willing couples is anything but another type of “keeping things spicy.”

Seems like you’re doing all the right things. I am surprised that there aren’t more positive replies here or at least “we tried it and it wasn’t for us” but then maybe I should be surprised by my surprise.

Go get 'em, big fella!

102

Right, so the difference is her having sex with another guy, since you’ve already had sex with another girl. I’m curious why one is no big deal, and the other one is.

103

Again, you’re forgetting that there are at least 4 perspectives. They’re likely to be divergent to some degree. What is a “big deal” to one may be unnoticed by another.

Your question implies sexism. But, to be fair, there are other plausible explanations.

One of the things that I really enjoy about homosexuals is that they have these little conversations right at the start about their preferences, what sort of sex they enjoy.

They do this because, within their sexual practices, there is quite a lot of variation - and if you’re not into what I’m into, it is best to know that right at the start.

Heterosexuals, on the other hand, almost never have this conversation. This is because they have a “default” sexual practice that is generally assumed to be at the top of everyone’s preferences. So, if you’re with someone who is a little different, you may not figure that out for a while.

As a slight aside, one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was that I should never rob a bank when I needed the money. Instead, rob them when you don’t need the money. That might sound really counter intuitive. However, if you need the money, you’re more likely to rush the job, to make a mistake. Whereas, if you don’t need the money, you can afford to take your time, plan the job well, get the tools you need, and avoid errors.

More generally, when doing something new or risky - robbing a bank or learning to drive a car or whatever else - do so slowly, plan. Act out of desire and not out of need. Be calm. Be safe. And, remember what I said about the puppy.

104

Uhhh, when did I make such a distinction? I did not. They are simply different experiences. Anyways, if you don’t understand how going from a threesome with another girl (these girls are often referred to as “unicorns”), to couple swapping doesn’t significantly change the dynamic, I probably can’t help. Yes, in both circumstances I am having sex with someone who is not my girlfriend. But in the first circumstance, she’s also with the girl, sexually. In the second, however, we are having sex separately.

105

That describes two long-term, stable polyamorous households I know. But ambi isn’t looking to start a polyamorous relationship with this couple. He is just looking for some adult play time. That is, despite the thread title, he is looking for advice about swinging, not about polyamory.

106

You may find it helpful to read the forums available w/o signing up at a site called Swingular.
Has the couple you’re swapping w/ done this before? If so, I’m sure you’ve already had a similar version of this thread in talking w/ them and their own experiences, hopes and realities.
The only red flag I’m familiar w/ is if the communication from their side has been primarily w/ one and not both people. There are people who know what to say and to whom to get what they want, knowing that once the ball gets rolling they have obtained the other person’s trust. This makes it hard to change lanes.
Don’t get drunk, nowhere near it. And if either of you feels something’s not quite right don’t take one for the team, it will only lead to resentment sooner or later; don’t be afraid to disappoint the other couple, they’re not the ones you’re in a relationship w/.
Whether you choose to see this couple again or no, don’t be surprised if feelings you didn’t expect pop up afterward; this is a new experience and your brain can only guess at how it’ll be received and things could be different when the rubber meets the road.

Yeah, I said rubber. :stuck_out_tongue:

107

I’ve done it quite a few times.

When it’s good and all works out, it can be so much fun. But it’s fairly rare that it goes as imagined.

My sage advice would be to meet the couple first…no sex…no expectations. Because let me tell you, there are odd balls out there who might send fake pics, might have real pics but are bat shit crazy, or on drugs, or even just have a couple of rotten molars in back that you wouldn’t want to go near. Meet them first, have a few drinks and talk and go home and then decide if you still want to have sex with them.

108

Bring plenty of lube!

That way if things get weird, you can escape by sliding out the window.

109

I’m quite surprised by how much negativity this thread has attracted, given how open-minded people on this board usually are. :confused:

110

That in itself is worthy of consideration, no?

Though I honestly don’t consider most people on this board to be all that open-minded, sexually. It just looks that way because the more open-minded people are more likely to participate in the sex-related threads.

111

Thanks for the vocabulary lesson. :rolleyes: Further emphasizes that in that case, the girl is just a sex toy for the both of you but now your GF is actually going to be fucked by another guy. Yeah, I can see how that “changes the dynamic.”

112

You do seem to be implying misogyny there. I don’t think that’s fair. Ambivalid may have a different aesthetic than many Dopers, but I haven’t seen anything in this or any other thread to indicate he’s a misogynist. Sexually participating in a threesome as a couple is a bit different than swapping sex with another couple. If only because the experience becomes more individualized and personal for all involved parties.

113

You want to figure out what boundaries the two of you have about intimacy with the other couple, and what you’re definitely cool with. If any of it is something that’s likely to come up, be sure to talk with them about it so they’re aware - for example, if you decide that deep kissing is only for the two of you, saying so before hand prevents an awkward and confusing stop at a heated moment. Don’t bother looking at ‘polyamory’ resources, you’re not looking to date the other couple so almost all of the stuff that you read about poly won’t be applicable. Reading about ‘swinging’ or ‘open’ relationships will have more relevant information.

As far as the BPD thing goes, if she’s actually getting effective treatment then it’s not a concern - she can use therapy and those techniques to deal with any issues that come up. If she’s not getting effective treatment or goes off of the treatment, nothing that you can possibly do will stop the relationship from a giant crash and burn, so there’s no point in avoiding allegedly ‘risky’ activities. If you can live your life without walking on eggshells, don’t walk on them just for people on the board.

I hear a lot of people say things like this, but it always seems to be based on counting anything bad as a mark against polyamorous relationships, and not counting anything that goes bad against monogamous relationships. I had a poly relationship with an ex-that went badly and had a major blowout at the end, so some people would say ‘see? poly just doesn’t work’… but she also had around ten significant (moved in together, made long-term plans) mono relationships before that that blew up much more spectacularly. At least one ended with a lawsuit, and one ended with a death, but somehow that’s not a data point for ‘mono relationships never end well’. Most people have tons of stories of mono dating and relationshipping gone wrong, but don’t lead from there to 'mono doesn’t work. And the vast majority of relationships that blow up into newsworthy events like murder-suicide or kidnapping kids are mono, but again that falls into the ‘doesn’t count’ category.

There’s also a bias that it’s not uncommon for people who have a breaking mono relationship to decide that some kind of opening of the relationship will fix things, which it doesn’t, but people blame whatever sort of poly or swinging they did for the breakup instead of the underlying issues. Also I don’t count a marriage where people get together, then find they don’t like each other, but stay in the marriage for the kids or social standing or because they’re scared to strike out on their own, so are miserable but unwilling to change as a mono relationship ‘ending well’, but it seems to count for that.

Plus a lot of people in poly/open/swinger/kink/etc relationships keep it in the closet for anyone who’s not running in those circles. I know a number of people who present as a simple, 2.5 kids and picket-fence family to their bio-family, work, and acquaintances, but get up to a bunch of wild stuff in their own times. They typically get counted as a ‘ending well’ mono relationship too. And while researchers find that approximately 25-50% of ‘mono’ relationships have someone cheat over the course of the relationship, people don’t seem to treat that as a failure of mono relationships or as a reason to act like the consequences of having sex with another partner don’t apply to mono relationships.

114

That’s an interesting point.

115

Ambivald, I hope when you do write this experience up, you leave out all the psychological issues and make it more of a Penthouse forum-style story. Disregard whether you thought this helped/harmed your relationship and just make it sound like something awesome.

116

Maybe that’s true, but I haven’t been able to find any hard data on how often polyamorous relationships break up vs. monogamous ones. So comparing apples to apples is very difficult.

I Googled around a bit, but all I could find was “researchers estimate…” and articles with clickbait headlines that don’t back up what they claim with real data.

Regards,
Shodan

117

My only contribution to this thread is this:

Top 10 Worst Safe Words
[ul][li]Harder[/li][li]Faster[/li][li]Deeper[/li][li]Daddy[/li][li]Momma[/li][li]Baby[/li][li]Unnnngh[/li][li]Squeeze[/li][li]Come[/li][li]Bareback[/li][/ul]
These are poor choices individually or in any combination.

118

No doubt.

And after mulling the advice I’ve been given, we’ve decided to slow things down a bit. Our first meeting with this couple will just be dinner and drinks. No sex. We want to take our time and do this right.

119

Maybe I’m showing my age here, but in my experience any reference to “taboo” sex is generally incest related. I’m not sure if that’s what you meant, but for all I know, your girlfriend is your sister. :stuck_out_tongue:

120

Great choice, you won’t regret it either way.