Ah. Never heard the ‘nine-bob note’ thing.
hangs head in shame
Fine then. Tasteless it is.
What has two legs and whines and bleeds a lot?
- Half a dog.
What’s black and white and has trouble going through revolving doors?
- A nun with a spear through her head.
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
- Christopher Walken.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
- She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.
What do you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
- Slow down and use some lubricant.
A girl meets a guy in a bar. They chat for a while and he invites her back to his place. He gives her the tour of his house. When they get to his room, she notices his extensive stuffed animal collection: a row of small ones at the bottom, a row of medium sized on the next shelf up, and a row of bigger-sized toys on the top.
This impresses her… surely a guy who keeps a stuffed animal collection must be caring and sensitive. The discovery is a big turn on, so she makes a move. They rip each other’s clothes off and go at it. After they’re done, she rolls over and asks, “Was it good for you?”
The guy looks at her and and says, “Take a prize from the second shelf and get out.”
Less tasteless, just very very bad:
A man goes to his doctor and says: I have a hearing problem.
The doctor says: So what are the symptoms?
Man says: A yellow cartoon family, but what’s that got to do with anything?
goes back to head-hanging
hehehe…okay auRa, you have completely redeemed yourself. You won me over with Christopher Walken.
There once was a sports legend named O.J.,
Whose old lady told him to go away.
He slashed up his wife,
With a fifteen-inch knife,
And then led a parade on the freeway!
This one’s true, it happened just the other day.
My wife works for a maker of fine hardwood caskets. They’re considering taking credit card payments, so a rep for a card processing service came to call. In the middle of his spiel he said, “I don’t suppose you do gift cards.”
The single most disgusting joke I’ve ever heard:
Q: How does a hillbilly mom know that her daughter’s having her period?
A: Her son’s dick tastes different.
OK this is a two parter.
How do you make a small boy cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.
And how do you make his mother cry?
Show her the teddy bear.
There was a young senator from Mass
Who wanted a nice piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
Then fucked up and drowned it
Now his future’s the same as his past.
Princess Di and Dolly Parton are at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, “I can only let one of you in, so give me a reason why it should be you.”
Dolly opens up her blouse and says, “Check these out, y’all.” St. Peter looks very impressed, then asks Princess Di why she should be let in.
Princess Di says, “Well, I douched this morning.”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter as he escorts Princess Di into Heaven. “A royal flush beats a pair.”
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the chin.
How do you know if a hillbilly’s a virgin?
If she can still outrun her brother.
Absolutely putrid joke that I’m ashamed to admit I even know:
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You done told the bitch twice.
I’m gonna be stealing that stuffed-animal prize joke, BTW.
What did the blind, deaf, crippled, retarded boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why do you refuse a hillbilly virgin?
If she ain’t good enough for her dad, why should she be good enough for you?
Which king had the most children?
Jonathon…
A woman is in her doctor’s office for a checkup. She asks the doctor to kiss her. The doctor declines and states that it wouldn’t be right for him to kiss his patients. Five minutes go by and once again the woman asks the doctor to kiss her. More firmly this time, he refuses. After another five minutes the woman pleads for him to kiss her. He says, "Look, it is against the rules set by the hospital for me to kiss you! In fact, " He says, “I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you”
You forgot:
What do elephants use for vibrators?
epileptics
Along the same lines…
What do five million victims of domestic violence have in common?
They just [SLAP!] don’t [SLAP!] listen!
How is a migrant worker like a cue ball?
The harder you hit them with a stick, the more English you get out of them.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - let the bitch do the dishes in the dark!
A little black boy is playing around in the bathroom one day, and discovers a container of talcum powder. He coats himself in it, and runs into the kitchen. “Mommy! Look! I’m a white boy!” SMACK! His mother slaps him across the face and tells him, “Go tell your father what you just said!”
He runs to the garage to see his dad. “Daddy! Look! I’m a white boy!” BAM! His father punches him right in the jaw, and says “Go tell your grandmother what you just said!”
“Grandma! Look! I’m a little white boy!” Whack!, his grandma hits him across the back with her cane, and says, “Go tell your mother what you just said!”
The little boy runs back into the kitchen crying and his mother says to him, “Well, what did you learn from this lesson?” The little boy cries:
I’ve only been a little white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black bastards!
Well, if you just must have some tasteless jokes…
Why does Michael Jackson like twentyeight year olds?
Because there’s twenty of 'em.
What the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?
Princess Diana wouldn’t be caught dead in a Volvo.
How many babies does it take to paint a room?
It depends on how hard you throw 'em.