Waverly
September 21, 2007, 1:25am
141
This is missing one of my favorites.
The owner of Bradford Nails is listening to a pitch from a sales agency. He is quite shocked when he’s shown a video of Jesus being nailed to a cross. The camera closes in on the guard, then his heavy hammer, and finally the Bradford logo on the head of a nail protruding from Jesus’ palm.
“That’s terrible!” the owner shouts. “You have 24 hours to fix this, and it better not include our lord getting nailed to a cross!”
After a night of sleepless work at the ad agency, the Bradford owner is invited back in. Once again a video rolls. This time, there is a close up of running sandaled feet. Then the camera shows a tunic flowing behind a sprinting man, and moment later two Roman guards are in pursuit. As they all head out of frame, there is a voiceover: “This wouldn’t have happened if they’d used Bradford nails.”
MeanJoe:
Oh, I am going to feel guilty for even sharing these…
Q:
What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A:
Pizzas don’t scream when placed in an oven
Two elderly black men are walking through the mall one day when they come across a new store. In front of the store is a sign that reads “We’ll turn any black man white for 99 cents!”. A bit taken back and in disbelief, both men take a seat on a bench outside the store to watch and see if this is legitimate.
Over the next hour they witness several black men enter the store and the same number of white men exit the store. Amazed that this seems to be real, they decide to give it a try themselves.
The first black man looks into his wallet and he has a one dollar bill. The second black man’s wallet is empty but he does have 98 cents in change in his pockets. The second black man tells the first black man that he has an idea. “Why don’t you go first with your dollar bill. When you are finished, give me your penny change and then I will have 99 cents and I can go?” The first black man agrees and enters the store.
About 30 minutes pass before the second black man notices a white man exiting the store that seems kind of familiar and is waving to him. The second black man asks the white man if it is really his old friend. “Why of course it is, but now I’m white!” exclaims his old friend. “Tell me how it is? Does it hurt? How do you feel?” asks the second black man. “I feel great, never better. Somehow all the fear and pain and anger over the years of racism against our people is gone. I think I finally can be everything that I ever dreamed about being now that I’m white!”.
The second black man is so excited to hear this from his old friend and ready to make this change himself. He asks his old black friend “Can I have the penny change now so I can go through?” His friend responds…
Fuck you nigger, get a job!
I’m sorry. Really.
Best joke I’ve heard in years!!!
Waverly
September 21, 2007, 1:37am
143
One more…
A boy sits in the confessional as the priest opens the screen.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned.”
“Yes, my son?”
“I’ve had… well… oral sex.”
“Oh!” Says the priest, suddenly very interested. “You will have to tell me who among our flock has sinned with you if you want to be forgiven.”
“But father, I’m too embarrassed. I just can’t.”
“But you must. I will help you. Was it little Molly Evans? I’ve noticed she has been growing up fast.”
“No father.”
“Sarah Wheeler? She’s such a nice girl, but not too smart. I’m afraid she could be talked into anything.”
“Oh, no father. I had no idea.”
“Than it had to be Jenny Spencer. I’m sure of it. Ah… her poor family.”
“Yes, I guess you are right, father”
After receiving a penance of several Our Fathers, the boy walks out of the church, and meets a friend waiting for him on the steps.
“Well, how did it go?”
“Great! I’ve got three new prospects!”