Tasteless jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire tells the bartender “I’ll have a pint of O-negative blood, slightly chilled.” The bartender serves him thusly.

The second vampire says to the bartender “I’ll have a pint of B-negative blood, light on the hemoglobin.” The bartender serves him thusly.

The third vampire says “I’ll have a cup of hot water.” The bartender is slightly thrown by this unusual (for a vampire) order. Nevertheless, he produces the requested hot water.

“I’m a little confused,” asks the bartender “Since you are a vampire, don’t you want to drink blood?”

Just then, the vampire produces a used tampon. “No, I’m having tea.”

122

I think that would have to be “She puts out her Gauloise.”

123

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Pull your dick out of its ass.

What’s the difference between 20 dead babies and a Ford Mustang?

I don’t have a Mustang in my garage.

What’s the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

I don’t come on an apple before I eat it.

124

What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will fuck anyone, and a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

125

Just to further nitpick this joke, the second street should be Melvina. There is no Regina in Chicago.

My contribution…

Why was Jesus so popular with women?

Because He was hung like this!{hold your arms out}

126

Why are there no Muslims in Star Trek?

Because it takes place in the future.

127

What hates sex and won’t stop crying?

The 10-year old Mexican boy locked in the trunk of my car.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Amy.
Amy who?

Amy Fisher - BANG!

128

A black man takes a girl home from a night club.

She says “Show me it’s true what they say about black men.”

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

(Courtesy Sickipedia.)

129

Well, hell, Paulina and Melvina don’t really rhyme with vagina!

Screw it. I never tell this joke to people from Chicago. I’m stickin’ with Regina. I think the joke works better that way. :wink:

130

How can you tell if your sister’s on her period?

Your dad’s cock tastes of blood.

And my favourite ever:

What’s blue and fucks children?

Me, in my lucky blue suit!

131

Au contraire, my provincial friend. Paulina *is *pronounced “Paul-eye-na”. I’ve never actually heard Melvina said out loud, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Melvina also has a long I.

We can discuss Devon (“Duh-VAHN”) and Goethe (“GO-thee”) next if you like. Or maybe more dead vampire baby slut jokes instead…

132

I’ll jump in before this thread sinks or is closed…

Did you know that toothpaste was invented by a West Virginian?

Yup, anyone else would have called it “Teeth Paste”

Why do women have legs?

So they don’t leave a slime trail.

133

What do you do if there’s an epileptic in your bath?

Throw in your washing.

What do you call a leper in the bath?

Porridge.

134

Here is the official “Going to hell now” joke around here.

What’s white and runs down the cross?

The second coming of Christ.

135

Stu.

Why did God invent women?

Because sheep can’t type.

136

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

The phone rang and she answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side?

They called again.

137

“Mommy, mommy! I HATE my sister’s guts!”
“Shut up and eat what’s in front of you”
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who floats in water? Bob!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who hangs on a wall? Art!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who lies in a ditch? Phil!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who floats in a pot of boiling water? Stew!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who props open a door? Jim!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who lies on the floor? Matt!
What do you call a one-legged girl? Eileen!
What do you call a one-legged girl from China? Irene!
What do you call a one-legged girl on the beach? Sandy!

138

My favorite from Sickipedia so far:

139

What do Kodak film, peanut M&Ms, and Woody Allen have in common?

They all come in a yellow box.

140

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?Because she’s a woman!