Yeah, if this guy didn’t have such a history of jerkishness towards Skald, I’d vote overreacting to what is all too common a pattern with elderly people in poor health.
But given this history, I lean more towards Skald could use a cooling off period–formal estrangment probably isn’t helpful, but more space is a good idea.
You do have the The Devil in you to basically call Jesus a cock-chugging faggot like that. Jesus was straight, heterosexual, macho, manly man’s man and would turn water into a guy wine like chianti, not some gay-ass Zinfandel. Of course, you’ll have all eternity in Hell, where you’ll get a scalding Zinfandel enema every hour on the hour, to regret being the way you are.
Other people have said it already… cutting off contact at this stage would be sort of extreme. On the other hand, damage control makes sense.
I’m in a similar position with my mommy dearest, though there’s no gawds involved. So… Limit contact, hang up if he gets on your nerves, and exit room when there’s no reasoning with him. Which you’ve done already. Congratulations. >:3
Eventually he’ll learn. Or not. Either way, less stress on you.
Edit: Woops. This is the SO’s account. >_<; This is actually Waxwinged.
I’m with the possible Alzheimer’s camp. Suddenly misplacing something he’s kept in the same place for years, and then automatically getting suspicious people are stealing from him are both classic symptoms, and he’s certainly old enough to have it. He sounds like the sort who it would be hard to tell if he’s getting shorter-tempered or more of an asshole, so it’s hard to watch for those signs, but I would ask the siblings if they’ve noticed any other signs of him being forgetful or overly suspicious.
As for whether and how much to interact with him in the future…oy. You’re fucked if you do and fucked if you don’t, but you know that already. I would lean toward taking a week to cool off and consider, then not entering his house any more. Then see how you feel and how things go and take it from there.
Unfortunately, if he does have Alzheimer’s, he will change. He will become shorter-tempered, more forgetful, and more suspicious of the people around him. It could get quite a lot worse, so that’s something you and your siblings need to be prepared for.
F it dude, let God worry about it.
Don’t take it to heart, man, but I know it can be tough. My mom doesn’t fire on all cylinders some days. One time I went to go visit her she was convinced that I had been beating my girlfriend with a golf club. After both of us sat her down and tried to talk her off of it, we just gave up and I told her I would play nicer and she become happy again.
I totally disagree. If he couldn’t find his cash, he could have said: “Skald, I had money in the house and I can’t find it!” He could have asked Skald’s help in searching. There are a dozen different ways to express concern over missing cash before assuming anyone took it. But no, to him, it was all too likely that Skald took it without permission i.e. stealing. Especially, when you start up saying: “You had money problems last year and now my money is missing.” And then you back it up by what amounts to: “The hordes that have keys to my house go to church. You don’t go to church, so no one else would take it but you. Everyone else has integrity.”
You’re saying, in good faith, it’s not an accusation just because he phrased it as a question?
And I don’t buy the Alzheimer’s guesses here. The guy has a long history of treating Skald like shit. It’s not like he suddenly got forgetful and turned into a paranoid asshole. He’s been doing it for ages.
And Skald, my last post was a joke. I wasn’t suggesting you apologize, I was suggesting the alternative: “I am sorry you are a douchebag.”
And on top of that he specifically said he was not going to ask any of the other people who have access to the house because they would never steal from him. It’s an accusation, plain and simple. Maybe he’s making the accusation because his health is deteriorating and maybe he isn’t, but from what Skald the Rhymer said, his father was very clearly implying he thought the money had been stolen.
Ha! Take a leaf from his book. Don’t apologize … forgive him for suspecting you of theft!
Seriously though, there is a lot of good advice in this thread. You probably know this already, but… all that anger and bitterness is doing you harm. It’s his fault for causing it, but unfortunately, he’s not going to make it better… you have to do that for yourself. You can hold on to it, thereby being “right” but at the cost of having it continue to eat away at you. Or you can find some way to let go of it. Disengaging from him is an important first step, but it’s only the first step. In the end, you may need to… well… actually forgive him. Note that forgiving him does not mean excusing his actions, or saying that he was an okay guy, or anything like that. It’s more like saying “I have better things to do with my life than pursue a mental vendetta against you.”
Please note, by the way, that I am generally very bad at taking my own advice in this respect. I often carry grudges, to the detriment of myself and those around me. It’s not easy to let things go, but it is the best way to be good to yourself.
Oo! That’s a good one! “I forgive you for bearing false witness.”
Red or white?
Whichever is gayer.
White, then - it’s a pink wine.
Oh wait. That might just be “girly” these days; a self-respecting gay man might not drink white zin.
I, too, love this option!
From what I recall of what you’ve related of your relationship with your dad, Skald, I think **Roderick **hit the nail on the head:
If physical distance will destroy other relationships, you can substitute emotional distance.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. From your description, if I were you, I’d have gotten a whole lot of gone between me and him quite some time ago.
Are you sure he isn’t developing some form of senile dementia? Losing things and blaming others is often an early hallmark of Alzheimer’s.
That said, I’ve been in a similar position. Grandmother who raised me was a raving 5 star bitch. She was abusive, both physically and emotionally. When I was old enough to leave, I joined the Air Force. Of course, when grandpa died, I went home.
She had six of her own children, but couldn’t ask them to care for her.
I was married by then, so we lived elsewhere. When she became unmanagable, I got a job and told her own worthless children I couldn’t see her as often, because of my work schedule. They reluctantly pitched in. I went to her house less and less, until my lay-about uncle, his wife and 5 children moved into her house to save money. (Read: he quit his job.)
My husband and I then moved out of state. I was able to keep peace with those family members I wanted to, and grandma even left me a little in her will. Of course, Uncle never saw fit to actually give it to me. :rolleyes:
Good luck with your situation. If it were me, I’d find I couldn’t make dinner for a couple weeks, because of (fill in excuse here), then do so less often, until someone else in the family was on the hook for feeding him.
Isn’t that, um, illegal?
I never persued it. It just wasn’t worth the effort.
The guy is 75 years old, and you say you love him. If you break contact with him now, you’ll lose the rest of your family, and that won’t likely change just because he dies. You’ll be making a big mistake that lasts the rest of YOUR life if you stoke this feud. Right now, he’s only a problem for the rest of his own life.
What ever you decide about the amount of future contact you have with your father, you might want to conside returning your copy of his house key.
“Since you feel that I am capable of stealing from you, I no longer feel comfortable having this.”