"We all know that the people who get ahead in life are the people with experience. Doctors, lawyers, government officials, top business executives all have one thing in common. It’s not education; it’s not connections; it’s not even intelligence. No, it is that ephemeral quality experience. Ask any rich man what is the most important quality you must have to get rich, and he will tell you. That’s right, it is personal experience.
"The trouble is, how does an ordinary man or woman like you or me come by experience? You can’t get it in the store. You can’t order it through a catalog. You can’t learn it in school. You won’t find it among your friends, or in some tedious job where a person’s inner potential is never truly recognized and appreciated.
"To gain this powerful quantity - experience - you have to look AROUND. You have to OPEN YOUR EYES and make the conscious decision to seek out experience wherever it may be found. It won’t come to you by itself, if you sit and do nothing. You have to say to yourself, ‘Today I will take charge of the experiences of my life and shape them to my will’. If you are the type of person who can make this decision, and really mean it, then you are the kind of person I am looking for.
"I can help you to find the experience that you, like all men and women, need and crave. I was once a nobody; down and out. I was at the bottom of the barrel. But then, by paying close attention to my own personal experiences I was able to start again and overcome the things that had been holding me down. Now, I want to pass some of my experience on to you!
"But don’t come to me thinking this is just another get-rich-quick scheme like all the rest. You have to do some work, here - I can’t figure your entire life out for you. I can’t tell you what kind of money you need to live the way you want, or what that girl or guy you’ve had your eye on wants in a mate. I can’t tell you who, if anyone, is disrespecting you behind your back. These are things for you to figure out. But one thing is sure, you’re never going to do it without experience.
"If you want to reach out for that star, and start down the road to the life you’ve always wanted, then I can provide you with that magical quantity, experience. But this is your journey. I can’t, and in fact I won’t, tell you any more here. If you want to gain the powerful experience I am selling, you have to find the strength of will to make a commitment, right now, today. A committment to keeping your eyes open to your own experiences and really determining to be prepared. Prepared to swallow those experiences whole when they appear.
"Where I come in is, I can guarantee you will receive just the sort of life experience that wise men and women all over the globe have received in the past, and have used as a step on the road to wisdom. All you have to do is send $39.99 by check or money order to APB9999 c/o The Straight Dope Message Board Consumer Advice Department, Chicago Reader, Chicago, Illinois. Believe me, when you receive your experience it will be like a light coming on! A light that will illuminate your whole life! Take it from one who’s been there many times himself. Remember, you are guaranteed to recieve an important experience. If not fully satisfied, you can contact me at the same address.
"Don’t hesitate. Now is the time to start looking at everything through new eyes, through the eyes of …
**EXPERIENCE**.