Texas is not the Fourteenth Circle of Hell.

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m moving to Longview in two weeks. To hear people’s reactions, you’d think I were burying myself alive in a concrete box under a nuclear power plant that has been set on fire.

I am not going to die of heat exhaustion from the sheer effort of walking up a flight of stairs to my second-story apartment every day. Really. I used to live on the fifth floor in Mississippi, and my sister’s apartment on the Gulf Coast was second-story. It isn’t that hard.

The heat isn’t going to kill me under any circumstances. Being a Yankee doesn’t mean I’m made of snow. Well-meaning people from all over the country continue to advise me to drink lots of water and so on, but really, I can handle it. I lived in Mississippi. I’ve been to Texas before. And believe it or not, it gets hot in New York, too! Just not nearly often enough. It was 95 one day last week - my God, was it gorgeous. I just sat outside on the deck soaking it up. Unfortunately, it dropped into the 80s almost immediately. But it was nice while it lasted.

I’m not going to stop talking to everyone I know just because I don’t live there anymore! I have a telephone, a cell phone, and an internet connection, not to mention a mailbox - I’ll keep in contact with everyone, I promise! I’m even going to go back to New York on vacations once in a while. Texas isn’t a black hole whence you can never return, and I’m not going to develop Friend Amnesia and forget I care about anyone back North.

Texas is not the Wonderful World of Bigots. I’m not going to cross the state line and immediately transform into a racist homophobic asshole. My friends and neighbors are not going to be racist homophobic assholes simply because they are Texans. Gunslinger has lived in Texas his entire life, and he is not a racist homophobic asshole. If I’m not one now, I’m certainly not going to magically become one when I change my license plates.

I intend to learn to shoot when I get down there. This will not result in my immediately going Bonnie Parker and shooting everyone I see. It’s possible to know how to use a firearm without being a murderer. It’s also possible to live in Texas without owning a gun. My learning to shoot is a choice, not a compulsion, so don’t blame the Texas government or my fiancé. (Ah-hyuck - yuh gotta own two rifles and a pistol to be a Texas citizen! Ah bet it’s a law! Ah-hyuck!)

In a less Texas-specific vein:

My lack of All-clad cooking pots and pans will not result in my starvation. I have a saucepot and a frying pan. I cooked everything in them when I lived in a dorm. I’m sure I can survive until I can afford a real cooking set.

Yes, I have planned how I’m going to get everything down there. Yes, Gunslinger is planning to help me. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be alright. Yes, I’m going to get a job when I’m there. Yes, I am absolutely certain that this is what I want to do.
Yes, I’m nervous. But no, moving to Texas is not lethal.

2

racinchikki, I’m moving to Texas soon and all my friends have similar preconceptions (Even my friends in Nevada and Florida are warning me about the heat!). You are not alone…

3

And your sure about this?

4

I used to have a friend in Florida. Several years ago (in the brutal summer of '99), we spoke on the phone almost daily.

When I would complain about the heat, she would always imply that I was a wimp. “Boston ain’t nothin’ compared to Florida”, she would say. During these conversations, I was in my top-floor apartment with nothing but a broken fan. She was in her ground-floor apartment with A/C. And we would compare temperatures. Throughout that entire summer, Boston was consistantly 2-5 degrees hotter every day.

“Oh, but we have humidity because we’re on the coast”, she would say. Check a map, bitch.

And really, if you want to call me a wimp, do so to my face. Come up here and call me a wimp. Is February good for you?

5

Howdy, racinchikki! We’re just tickled that you’re fixin’ to join us down here in the Lone Star State. Let me know when y’all are landin’, I’ll strap on my pearl-handled six shooters and my Sunday Stetson and pick y’all up in my Longhorn Caddilac! I’ll drive you folks around and show you the sights on the way back to my ranch. Then we can ride the horses out to look at my oil wells!

:smiley:

6

You’re right, it’s not. It’s the third.

7

I’ve liked everyone I ever met that was from Texas. Of course, those are all people who chose to leave, but still, I think it’s a good sign. I envy your hot weather, too. Having grown up in the Midwest, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the mild summers out here in the Pacific Northwest. Yeah, yeah, beautiful scenery, blah blah blah. Give me a blistering 95-degree July afternoon any day of the week!

8

Get a map of Texas and draw a straight line from Ft Worth to San Antonio. Then extend the line to the borders north and south. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT EVER TRAVEL WEST OF THAT LINE.

You will indeed be in the 14th circle of Hell and all your friends dire predictions will most certainly come true.

9

You’ve been informed about the heat, right?? :slight_smile:

We’ve actually been experiencing a very mild spring and early summer - temperatures are started to inch up now, though; it should reach upper 90’s in about two weeks (oh, that’s when you’re coming. So sorry!)

Welcome to Texas! There are some great folks here (and some really shitty drivers…)

10

Well, I agree that Texas isn’t the 14th circle of Hell, but Longview is definitely BFE!

11

Why would the OP have ever thought Texas was the 14th Circle of Hell? Doesn’t every know that it’s the 12th Circle of Hell?!? :confused:

12

You will have to make a few more adjustments than just learnin’ how to shoot. You will have to but a few hats…a work hat, a ‘round the house hat, a church hat, and a getting’ dressed up to go to town and have a soda pop hat. And you will have to buy boots for all the same categories

13

(Slight hijack)

Can you still drive around with an open beer in Texas? Or was that just an urban(rural in this case) legend?

14

Hey, I’m from Texas, and I’m a racist, bigoted, smallminded homicidal gun nut!

Fortunately, the heat killed me off years ago. Damn good thing, too. World’s better off without a prick like ME around…

15

We used to be able to! They’ve changed the law, though - first, the driver couldn’t drink but passengers could. Finally, they made it illegal for anyone in the car to possess open containers. If you have open liquor/wine containers, they have to be in the trunk.
Obviously, a smart move given all the drunk driver accidents.

16

Well, I moved from Texas a few years back. Everyone there thought I was insane to move to the 10th circle of Hell, aka Chicago.

You know it never stops snowing there?
You know it gets to a million below zero there?
You know that everyone there works for Al Capone?

Guess what, I’ve survived. And I’m loving it. So don’t listen to the freaks and enjoy your move.

If we all liked the same geographic and climate conditions we’d all live in the same town. Wouldn’t that be fun?

17

Not just a Texas thing, either. Same sort of thing happened in AZ (although I’m told if it’s in a cup, it’s not illegal, just beer cans and bottles, Zima bottles, fifths of Jack, etc.–alcohol containers that are actually labeled as such.

18

Welcome, Racinchikki!

I’m quite a bit further south than Longview, and I’ve never been there (there are so many small towns in TX that half the time I have to look them up on a map because I’ve no clue where they are, and I’m lucky if I’ve heard of 'em) but I applaud your common sense. Tell those people to fuck off. :smiley: We don’t have a monopoly on racist homophobic assholes, we don’t all wear cowboy boots, and we certainly don’t all own guns.

But we are a very friendly and courteous state, overall, and as long as visitors to our state don’t talk down to us–which is a frequent bad habit and something that reflects badly on their own states–we’re more than happy to roll out the red carpet and show you a good time. I’ve been told countless times by tourists at my bar that the hospitality and friendliness of Texans is unrivaled.

But of course you know that already. :wink:

19

Texas is great! I hope you love it here. It can be hot, sure, but so can a lot of places. That’s why they invented AC! But, um, didn’t anybody tell you about the giant tree roaches? They call them palmetto bugs in other states. Nasty critters, about 3-4 inches long, and they fly! Maybe you don’t have them in Longview…

:: shakes uncontrollably::

Ick.

20

We had palmetto bugs in New Orleans. Our cats thought they were toys.