My husband is an only child. Didn’t help.
A referral would be great! I finally got to speak with an attorney in Florida who confirmed that the estate will have to be probated in both places due to the property issues.
As soon as I know what is in that safe folks, I will be sharing. Don’t expect too much though, I am not.
It’s a culture thing. This happens in Indian culture, too. When my paternal grandmother died, the eldest son made a grab for everything, trying to knock out his younger brothers and only sister. It caused my dad to have to fly to India twice. And it was because elder siblings were always treated the best and told they could get everything, especially eldest son.
It’s a stupid system, especially since most of the time it’s the eldest that’s got the education, or has made the best marriage, or has the most stuff.
Signed,
Anaamika, only child
I’m not Indian or even English so the throne ascension rules don’t really apply. Actualy when my and my siblings are all together as a group, I tend to be treated as ‘the baby’, even if nobody has died.
but
For instance, when mom died, oldest Ted and I were sleeping at the house. The next morning we were supposed to go to the funeral home with the other siblings and make the arrangements. Just picking out the coffin, and floweres, things like that. Ted decided to let me sleep in because I needed it, (when he was the one that didn’t sleep at all that night, and after all, I wouldn’t have a problem with any of the choices they made. Yes, I still a little bitter.
They think - at that moment, only - that they stand in loco parentis of you, and that their decision is best since they know best. But you know, ask them* for help when you’re down, i.e., to really stand as parents, and see what they do.
*I know not all elder siblings are like this. It just seems like the ones who grab at funerals are also the ones who leave you when you need them.
Dibs on the porn.
My God. I am so grateful that my dad saw his father go through a not-fun experience as an executor, and so ordered his estate appropriately.
Right now, there is a sealed envelope tacked to the wall above my father’s desk, addressed to my brother and I. It is to be opened in the event of my parents’ simultaneous deaths or incapacitation. In it, along with a letter telling us how much they love us and how proud they have always been of us, there are detailed instructions as to the whereabouts of accounts, insurance policies, wills & trusts and final instructions. I also have such a letter (we call it a “disaster letter”) in place.
Everyone in our family shares the same trust attorney, so he will be very familiar with all of the players and can hit the ground running. I don’t know who my father has chosen to be executor (it might be me), but I do now how the estate will be distributed- 35% each to my brother and I, with the remaining 30% going to any grandchildren in equal shares. My grandfather had the same set up, as do my husband and I. Monies will be equally distributed on the person’s 25th, 30th and 35th birthdays (26 at the time of death gets 1 piece, 33 gets 2 pieces, 36 gets all three). This is non-negotiable except at the discretion of the executor.
If you have children, you have no right to be lazy and screw around. Unless of course, you’re an asshole who doesn’t care about putting loved ones through an insane amount of grief, and you want the state to have the first grab at your estate.
Sorry to hear about all the nonsense, Foxy. Sucks to be you guys right now.
Dammit!
That’s an interesting discussion on birth order and how it affects things after a parent dies. When my dad died suddenly, I found my oldest sister was very hostile and attacked me verbally a couple of times when I was giving my opinions about what we should do and what was likely to happen (turns out that everything I predicted came true). I think sometimes it’s hard for eldest sibs to realize that their younger sibs have some valuable input, too.
Let me tell you why I think this is bad advice.
Because you are in the process of a divorce, you may have a different set of interests than your husband regarding the ultimate disposition of the estate. Whether this property comes into your husband’s possession now or later may have a direct impact on the terms of your divorce. And whether this property was obtained over or under the counter may also have consequences – as to whether he is willing to report it as property obtained during the marriage, for example.
I don’t feel qualified to advise you what to do. I do think you should consider that your best interest and your husband’s best interests might not be the same.
This is just so creepy.
When my mother’s father died, his wife/my grandmother/my mother’s mother (all the same person) was the beneficiary.
When my father’s father died, his wife/my grandmother/my father’s mother (all the same person) was the beneficiary.
When my father’s mother died, she didn’t have much. I believe the daughter that lived with her and took care of her in her last days got most of the furniture and such. The vanity was technically my father’s but we left it with one of my aunts (“But Joe, it’s an antique!” “Sue, it’s not an antique, it’s just old, and we have nowhere to put it and it’ll be a hassle transporting it from Matagorda…”)
I suppose when my mother’s mother dies (may it be a long time in the future; she’s a neat old biddy) there might be some angst. She did sell her house and move to live close to us so there’d be someone around in case she got sick or fell down the stairs she doesn’t have anymore, and my uncle in Wisconsin rather wanted her very big, very nice, oak dining table. It would’ve cost more than it was worth to get it freighted up to Wisconsin, though, so I have no idea what he ended up doing. I think he wanted it anyway.
She DOES have money, though (she spends absolutely nothing she doesn’t have to. Her hobbies include the same damn rug she’s been working on for fifteen years and reading books from the library. I guess people of A Certain Age (aka, they were kids during the Depression and teenagers/adults during WWII rationing) go one of two routes: they spend every dollar they get enjoying their lives or they pinch a penny until it bleeds. She doesn’t spend a dime on herself but she buys relatively lavish birthday and Christmas presents). She also has some grandchildren who would like some of that money. I seriously don’t see this as being an issue in my family, though – my uncle would come down for the funeral, my mother would make the decisions along with him, and unless her will said something different I’m fairly sure they’d just split her assets in half.
And she’s not exactly the sort of woman (my grandmother, that is) who shies away from dreary thoughts, so I am quite certain she has a will.
I believe I’ve seen my father’s will. Not sure about my mother’s. They are still together and all, so for the moment everything looks okay…
I have absolutely no right to any of this estate regardless. It is very clear in our prenup that all inheritences are personal property and not subject to be challenged. I think that may be Florida law too but I insisted it be put in writing on the prenup since my parents have wealth and I certainly didn’t intend to ever let it out of the family.
That being said, safe still sits unopened.
In this case for example, the majority of the documents from the old manor are kept by the eldest son of the eldest son of my great-grandfather, who was the last relative to be lord of said manor. Or rather, by his eldest daughter, she of the PhD in History (she’s a specialist in coats of arms). Most other things have been distributed according to tradition (when tradition is clear) or “equal lots”.
It’s an easy way to figure out who to ask if you want a current copy of the family tree 
Traditionally in Navarra, certain items “belong” to certain children in order, certain items pass from father to son, others from mother to daughter. If the “owner” doesn’t want them, s/he can offer them to the next in order. The order isn’t always determined by birth order; for example if a particular child had stayed at home (and, if married, brought the spouse in rather than move out) in order to care for the elderly parents, that child would have a higher claim to the house than the firstborn.
Could be worse.
When my father-in-law passed unexpectedly late last year, both his ex-wife (and mother of all three of his children) and his current on-again-off-again girlfriend (of 10 years’ vintage or so, which included the last five years of the marriage to the ex-wife) were both certain they had every right to make both financial and funerary arrangements. The only thing that prevented a physical altercation at the wake was the fact that my mother-in-law was being physically restrained by myself and my sister-in-law’s husband, and my husband’s stepfather had a hand over her mouth. Also, the girlfriend was hurriedly escorted into a private “grieving room” by fairly alert funeral home staff when it was clear things were about to go all Jerry Springer on them.
Neither one of them gave a tinker’s damn about the wishes of the three adult children of the deceased. However, legally, only the wishes of the three adult children mattered. There was no will, no current spouse of record (and in New York, no such beastie as common law marriage), therefore it fell to the children in equal measure (as they were all over 18). Both the ex-wife and the girlfriend remain convinced they are entitled to the estate - not some or part of the estate, mind you, the whole damn thing. (Legally, neither one are entitled to dime one.)
You would not even believe how absolutely fucking ugly it got. It’s still fucking ugly six months later. I field weekly phone calls from one or the other ranting about it.
The girlfriend brought her lawyer to the motherfucking funeral - and her lawyer kept sidling up to the children during the ceremony at a military funeral and “starting a dialogue” (the lawyer’s words) about the estate. The worthless fuck only quit doing so when my sister-in-law’s husband and I forcibly took her aside and threatened to report her to the state bar (me) and to beat her to within an inch of her life (him) if she didn’t bugger the fuck off immediately.
Only my own personal dogged insistence that I cannot ethically be involved in the steaming pile of shit has kept me from being nagged senseless by the parties. I’m an attorney, therefore they keep trying to get me to get involved in sorting out the legal mess (which is the single biggest clusterfuck I’ve ever seen in an estate, including bar examination questions). Because I’m not an idiot, I’ve been refusing with determined vigor. If I fuck up and actually have an opinion, I will never, ever hear the last of it.
Wise choice. I can’t believe the horror stories over estates that I have been hearing since the death. I am so over this entire thing and I know it is just beginning. I am at the point that I really don’t give a shit. It isn’t MY friggin money and I am doing all the leg work.
He may be getting fucked, he may not. He’s got this guilt thing about opening up his father’s safe without the girlfriend present and she now says she is ill and has doctors appointments scheduled for the next week.
I have a feeling we will never really know what his wishes were and that is his own damn fault. I can just imagine if my husband wasn’t the only child. Ug.
Just tell her that NO progress can be made on the estate until the safe is opened.
She’ll be there the next day.
My friend, it was the only choice. Or at least the only choice that did not lead inevitably to madness. Trust me. I could see the trainwreck a-comin’. I’m going to advise you to be emotionally supportive of your husband, but not to get any more involved than strictly necessary.
Foxy, I emailed you contact information for my lawyer friend in Huntsville. Let me know if you don’t get it.
If you have a lawyer retained, I guess one of the first questions to ask him is about the safe. If the girlfriend can’t travel because she’s too sick, maybe her lawyer could come on her behalf. I think it’s time for your husband to push on this; this might be manouvering on her part to delay things until she gets things well tied-up in her favour, since she’s already shown that she doesn’t care at all what your husband thinks should be done. Your husband needs to realize that this is war, and she started it.
It’s funny. I see this as war but my husband doesn’t. He wants to think the best of this person and honestly so do I but I don’t want him to be stupid about it and that is where we are. I finally told him today that I have offically washed my hands of this. Put the safe at the curb and give her all three properties. I don’t give a shit. After the memorial I planned (and paid for) is over, I am done with it all.
I was serious and he was horrified that I was going to leave him alone with this mess. Why am I fighting with him over this? I don’t have to convince him to protect himself. I am all stressed out for nothing while he asks me advice and then has emotional breakdowns of conscience over the lady who burned his father without allowing him to say goodbye and falsified government documents. Not to mention having a quick claim deed done in 2003 making sure she was on the Florida property which was previously dad’s alone. She’s protected. It is my idiot husband that needs to protect himself because I am putting my sword and shield down. IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM. (I just need to keep saying that over and over as husband calls every ten minutes with another question, problem or emotional conflict)
She falsified the death certificate claiming to be his wife. I have written to the courthouse for a copy. I am trying to understand my husband’s grief while making him understand with that death certificate, she essentially can do anything she wants while he sits there in deep mourning. I made an appointment with an attorney next week. I won’t be going. It is time for my dear husband to grow the fuck up.
Oh man,
I was kind of hoping you would crush this woman. Especially if she has lied on court documents.
Drop a dime on her.