What the fuck are you doing here? You left 4 months ago leaving a letter telling me you need time alone, therapy, a chance to reflect. I offered therapy to see what was up and you declined at the time. Months before you split.
Look, I’m not the easiest person to live with, but I never hit you, berated you, made you feel in any way inferior.
Since before we got married, you knew my issues and we worked to identify them and get them treated. I realize it was a hardship on you, but I tried my damnedness to make a good life. I wasn’t close to perfect, but I made strides in fixing what was wrong.
And what was wrong wasn’t because I’m a dick. It was shit you refused to acknowledge. I don’t blame you for what happened. I blame you for ignoring my statements leading you to understanding what I am. I wanted counselling. I asked for it. You persued it after you split. In a letter I woke up to.
The night before you left we were playing Frogger and Pac-Man. I made dinner. (Beef Stroganoff.) We were having fun and nothing indicated a life changing event.
Then I woke to your letter. It was over without a chance to talk about it. Well, at least a chance to talk about it while we still could.
So I moved to my hometown, looking for work and no chance to p-ersuade you to come back.
I’d love to move on and start dating. But based on your e-mail tonight I can only think you’re coming back (The e-mail mentioned "dilemmas, without saying anything that constitutes a dilemma.) I am so lost right now.
Dammit women! Just say what you’re thinking! Guys like me just need to know where we stand.
Hi, Wasn’t aware that you called, must have been in my missed calls?
Nothing new going on, not sure what your trying to ask here, I can’t read minds anymore. I try not to think. Hope everything is going ok, I’m trying to make sense out of everything right now, but dilemma after dilemma keeps happening
talk later
Kristy
From what you’ve said, I’d suggest you moving on with your life without her. She’s playing mind games with you and you don’t deserve that. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to suck, but sometimes you need to cut the infected limb off.
Sorry bro.
Definitely seem to be some communication problems here. Can you ask her your question again in a different way? It seems as though she didn’t understand what you were asking, and that may be why you didn’t get a satisfactory answer.
duffer , it sucks to be you, but the best advice I can give is that divorce is so expensive financially and emotionally because it’s worth it. You know what you need to do, some situations are so painful that it’s worth any price to get out. Years from now you’ll be glad you did.
Referring to dilemmas like that is sort of meaningless. Are you sure she’s not seeing someone else? It’s the evasive nature of the term “dilemma” that bothers me. Most of the issues in a couple are easy enough to throw in each other’s face, but not that one.
Aw, hell, duff…I’m sorry to hear that. Even though we disagree on, well, probably everything, you always did strike me as the sort who wasn’t averse to self-reflection, introspection, and most importantly, honestly trying to understand the perspectives of others.
While, as people, our personal faults are ultimately our own responsibilities, you’re absolutely right that those who would claim to love you ought to help you out along the way. If nothing else, love suggests a certain level of comfort and openness that would enable people to mention perceived issues severe enough to merit, say, ditching you with nary a word. Sure, if you were beating the hell out of her, or if you dismissed her every thought out of hand, that might be warranted…but from what I know of you, I have to say I can’t see it.
So, again, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Tell you what…if you ever make it by Virginia, the beer’s on me.
Sounds like she wants a do-over. Sounds like you kind of want to explore that option. I say meet with her and get some clarity on the issues and ground rules. Maybe this marriage can be saved. And maybe not. You won’t know until you understand the cryptic communique.
First of all, duffer, you have my sympathy. I know how much that can hurt. How long were you together?
But yeah, that sounds like one frustrating e-mail. It’s like a long, drawn-out joke with no punchline. If you’re going to take love advice from anyone, it probably shouldn’t be me. But consider this: Reply to her with “Good luck solving your dilemmas. When you do, let me know.” Then stop. Move on. Forget about her. Make your own life complete. Get on with the business of being happy. If she wants you back, make her do a little of the work herself. If she won’t, then you desrve better.
My sympathies as well, and a virtual Yuengling on me.
It’s a tough situation, no doubt, but the trap is to start wondering what you might be able to do to get an answer, get some clarity, get her to talk to you, make her pay attention… Anything that involves you hoping for anything from her is probably not going to be beneficial for you at this stage. There there be tygers.
Get yourself back to a position of strength before looking for anything from her.
And like tdn said, don’t try to respond to or make sense of or read into anything that is unclear.
I agree with this, but I’d like to add, on the other side, that divorce is so expensive financially and emotionally that it’s not a thing to be done lightly or in anger if it can be avoided. I’ve been divorced for two years, and while I understand cognitively that it was for the best, I’m still plagued by nagging thoughts that I could have done more to salvage things before taking that step. Watch out for those “what ifs,” they’ll fuck you up bigtime, years down the road.
If she’s honestly interested in making another try, and you are as well, that doesn’t guarantee success, but it is at least half of it.
Ditto. Keep (or start) meeting with a therapist to fix yourself. It sounds like she has her own issues, and needs her own help. A therapist can also help you decide what you want - do you want to be separated for a time? How much uncertainty are you comfortable with? Set your own criteria for happiness, honestly inform your wife, and give her a chance to live up to them. If she can’t, or won’t, you’ll have to continue on without her.
If you honestly think all women are like this, I recommend bringing that up with a therapist. That kind of belief can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and lead to more bad relationships.
It sounds like you are not the only one with issues. The hardest part can be letting go of someone you care deeply about. Sort yourself out first then you can work on the rest.
Where do you stand? It’s over, Dude. Her letter was a whole lotta nothing but it didn’t leave any doors open that I can see no matter how you parse it.
It’s over. Move on.
The sooner you move on, the sooner you can meet someone more compatible who will appreciate you. Whatever you do, quit sitting around feeling sorry for your self. It’s a self indulgent waste of time.
