There’s not really enough information here for me to give advice. From the sounds if it, either (a) she’s a coward, and has moved on (and is probably seeing someone else) and just can’t face confronting you with it; (b) she’s having serious mental troubles, and would still like to have a relationship with you but is withdrawing into herself. If it’s (a), you have to write her off, because she’ll string you along for years without giving anything in return. If it’s (b), you need to decide whether you can handle what will probably be a very long, hard road.
Like others have said, I think you have to live your life like your marriage is over and she’s never coming back. Grieve for the end of your marriage in whatever way feels right to you, then start building a new life for yourself. Use this period of upheaval to do things outside of your comfort zone that you wouldn’t have done otherwise – take dance lessons, go sky diving, strike up conversations with strangers, whatever. Resist the urge to just hole up and wallow in pain/anger/self-pity.
You never know, you guys might rebuild something down the road. But you’ll be in a much better place to do that (and to decide if you even want to) if you treat this as an ending rather than an intermission.
Good luck getting through this.
You have to do a little of that. As you said, grieve a little. But then move on.
But I can see how it would be hard to move on when you hear from the person 4 months later. That just prolongs the pain. I think that’s duffer’s main complaint.
I was divorced in 2006.
Based on my experience:
Hang up the phone.
Delete the emails, unread.
Place any letters mailed, unopened, into a box, seal the box, throw the box away.
Hire a lawyer.
Take a deep breath and pray and have a scotch and take a walk and ride your bike. See a movie. Start a hobby.
It’s ok to get angry now and again.
If she really has changed (and real change takes years) and is a new person you’ll find about it from mutual friends. if she hasn’t changed why continue communicating with someone who walked out on you?
I’m guessing that you are not a Psychologist or a professional counselor, thus, you are not qualified to fix her problems, even if you were it would not be possible as you would not be detached.
Sorry if I wandered a bit from your comments, I probubly said more about my situation than yours.
Right. As I keep telling people, if you think that this type of behaviour is the exclusive province of the feminine gender, that just proves you have never dated guys.
Attempting to deal with a (future) partner as a representative of her gender won’t help you. If it did, gay people would have no relationship problems.
Yeah, I know not all women are like that. Just a touch of bitterness shining through. I appreciate the kind words and advice, I just really needed to vent so it doesn’t keep building up on itself. Thanks for listening. Or reading, whatever. 
That’s Ok Duffer.
I’d also reccomend a long sabbatical from dating. After all, you wouldn’t want to get involved before you’ve recovered.
I too was divorced in 2006…
…and I could’ve written this post.
Scary…
My husband is planning to leave. I know because he told me so. What I don’t know because it’s “none of [my] business” is when this event is taking place. Talk about having your life on hold.
That sucks. I think it’s time for you to be proactive and make him leave tomorrow.
I wouldn’t place my life on hold for someone who would say such a thing. Leave or force them to leave, I say.
I tend to have very little trouble letting go of someone/something, however. All they need to do is say they don’t want me around, or violate some trust I’ve placed in them, and they’re gone. How do I do it? I’m not sure…the best I can come up with to describe it, is that I pre-emptively ‘kill’ any and all feelings/thoughts about the other person/thing. It’s sort of like they cease to exist, and their entire existance was erased. That said, it’s not that I repress my feelings…I simply ‘stop’ them and, after a bit (a day or less), I no longer feel what I did.
I’m certainly not claiming that this is healthy or unhealthy, but it’s the way I function.
I confess to confusion. Your thread title says “Thanks for the non-answer” which suggests you sent something to her that she replied to. Are you willing to post what you sent her. so we can try to make better sense of it?
But your first sentence says “What are you doing here?” Where? In your email inbox? This suggests to me that the rambling thing from her showed up unsolicited out of the blue.
Can you clarify?
It’s more complicated than that. My husband is disabled and he can’t just physically get up and go. He has told me that he’s only stayed with me because he has nowhere else to go. It’s true; he doesn’t. Life is fraught around here at the moment.
Divorces really suck. Take the time to figure things out for yourself. Each situation is different and some of us are a little bitter. Go to the trouble of making yourself clear to her and insist that she clarify what she has said.
This doesn’t have to hurt forever – and it won’t.
duffer, this right here is the best piece of advice you’ll ever hear. Don’t fall into the trap of jumping through hoops and putting up with shit. Get yourself a life of your own, and if she wants you back let her show it.
You. Can’t. Make. Someone. Else. Happy.
Sounds like he left already in all the important ways.
Doing OK?
Doing great… was lucky enough to meet someone in the fall of 2005 (four months after separating from the ex) whom I’m marrying next month.
you?
Good for you.
I seperated from my ex in '04. The divorce was finalized in the beginning of '06. Took me a year to get my financial house back in order and I’m closing on an actual house this week.
I have not dated anyone since her but I’ll be considering it once I move, as some poster once was told, “first build the nest, then look for the bird.” spoken, I’m told, in an italian accent by a sweet, grandma.
Sounded like good advice. I needed some time to myself.