Yes he has. It’s not a happy house, though. Too much unfinished stuff.
You. Can’t. Make. Someone. Else. Happy. *Only. Yourself.
*
Sorry for your current stress, Duffer. Just focus on getting yourself healthy…mind, body and soul. Make yourself the person you would like/enjoy to be with.
As for your wife, I am taking an educated WAG…her non-descriptive dilemma is probably something she’s too ashamed to tell you yet, most likely an affair that she is beginning to sour on and reconsidering. She probably still wants you to hang around as a safety net, but doesn’t want to go into details to express her vulnerabilities to you. I would press the issue with a letter stating:
“Hanging around without being informed on why I should hang around is a type of limbo that I will not tolerate for any longer period of time. As a husband, I have a right to know whether or not I have a relationship with my wife and then I will act accordingly. Right now, I do not have that relationship with you, so I am looking at putting my life back on track without you, unless you are up front with me (to my satisfaction) as to why we are here, separated at this point in time. Otherwise, I will seek a divorce since you are not being up front with me which is openly disrespectful towards me and our marriage.”
Put the ball back in her court. Force her to realize that you will not tolerate this situation any longer. You just might get that explanation that you are looking for. Any honest explanation helps you make a better decision on what to do for yourself in the future, regardless the pain it may cause you. Not knowing IMHO, is even more painful. Good Luck…thoughts and prayers for you.
Luckily for me, I didn’t have a huge financial mess because of it. I walked away from everything.
That is good avice, but sometimes your perfect counterpart finds their way into your life and you just can’t pass them up…
See, this is where I disagree.
I would not send letters, emails, or call her on the phone. If she wants to leave, let her. the more you try to “resolve” issues, the more grief you’ll have.
Why prolong or take part in any discussion? At this point it will just end in an argument.
Good for you for realizing you needed some time to yourself. I have seen too many recently divorced people start dating before they were emotionally ready to date, and they hurt innocent people in the process.
Only because Duffer wanted to know:
He wasn’t trying to resolve anything, he just wanted to know why she is doing what she is doing.
One never knows for sure unless they try. He has a right to know where he stands and she owes it to him. It’s time that he takes control of the situation and resolve it to his satisfaction.
First, thanks for the well-wishes. I wish they made me feel a bit better than they do right now, but I’ll take what I can get.
This is kind of where I’m at. I was maried long enough that I’m just not used to being alone right now. I’d love to find someone right away but would rather not go through this again if at all possible.
Her latest e-mail a few days ago mentioned a second “friend” that is claiming to have fooled around in our bed. She said she’s cutting off both, but who knows if she beleives me or them. I would hope that based on the two starting the shit she’d know I have better taste, but if she’s justifying her own affair, who knows?
I sent an e-mail telling her I still love her and want to make it work, but now I’m wishing I could recall it. Not sure anymore. 4 months into this ordeal and it still hurts, though the sting seems to be leaving just a bit. Not sure I can go through it all again.
Anyway, thanks again for the kind words. I can’t honestly say I feel better due to them, but at least I know I’m not alone in how I feel. I hope that came out right.
Da wha’? You are saying that two different female “friends” of your wife are falsely claiming to have had affairs with you? (In the marital bed? :eek: ) And she doesn’t know whether to believe them or you? And that she has had (or possibly has had or is having?) an affair of her own as well?
This sounds like a very complicated situation.
You can play detective for years and never find out why someone did what they did. You find yourself chasing down a rabbit trail and never getting to the end of it. Ultimately it boils down to the person doesn’t really want to know “why” they just want the other person to change their mind. What’s done is done.
Hang in there Duffer, it gets better. You need time and resolve.
Wishing you the best duffer, if you need to bend an ear or an elbow let me know. It’s been a while but I’ve been down the same path. Included in my path was an affair (on her part) and insinuations that I was doing the same thing.
In the end, no one can tell you when it’s really over, you just know.
Good luck.
That may be true, but as I have personally experienced, I did get to the end of the trail with positive results. Duffer is still exploring his options here on why it happened. It still may be salvageable, once he gets to the truth, and if and only if she is going to be honest about it. Otherwise, it is done. The option of going back to being single still doesn’t appeal to him as of yet…either way, Duffer will experience pain with or without her in the months/years ahead. Couple counseling is still an option to see if it’s still salvageable.
I’m all for couples counseling. I went for all of 2004-2005 with her to a variety of counseling sessions with a psycologist, our pastor and our friends. I went the distance. I was only speaking with experience about the fruitless game of finding out 'why". It’s been my experience that it’s more important to look to the future and be clear in communicating.
That I do agree with you on…but in my case, “Why” gave me enough information to decide whether any changes I make of myself will make a difference at all (in our future, at that point in time). It did. I guess it’s a case by case consideration.
Well, I never did mean to sound as if I was speaking truths that apply across the board with no deviation. 
No problem there.