I’m still quite emotional over this, so please read with understanding.
On Friday I went to a lunch with a lot of influential people. Principal guest was the Archbishop of Canterbury. My parents were also there, so when the lunch finshed and people started to mingle, I went to join them. Bad decision #1.
My father pointedly ignored me, tagging someone who passed by, and in the couse of conversation indicated to the whole room that I was his lesser son. While this is true - my brother is worth a goodly number of me - to be insulted so by having it broadcast to a roomful of people is not good. My father has a history of enjoying expressing his disappointment in me, but thus far he’s kept it between the two of us (that I know of). I was extremely upset and left almost immediately in preference to making a scene. Repartee is not my game. Having stewed on it all weekend, eventually realising that the fact that I loved him outweighed everything, last night I rang my father to say that I forgave him. Bad decision #2.
5 minutes later my mother rang to ask why my father was so upset. I rang her back and explained. Hopefully, I’ve managed to smooth things over.
Hopefully, your father explained that he was upset because he realizes what an ass he has been, and you’re not under the impression that you have done anything wrong?
Well, I don’t know the history between you and your parents of course, and I also don’t know what exactly your father said that you took as “indicating to the whole room that I was his lesser son,” but I do know that it is very aggravating to be rung up and magnanimously informed that you’ve been forgiven when you don’t know or think you’ve done anything wrong.
Seriously, someone called me to “forgive” me similarly one time. I didn’t appreciate it. FWIW.
BTW, what does “tagging someone who passed by” mean? And how could your father simultaneously ignore you and indicate to the whole room that you’re his lesser son? I’m not being snarky, I just don’t really understand what happened.
If my dad was in the habit of publicly embarrassing me, I’d get in the habit of not going out with him.
I doubt that this will make you feel any better, but in my experience, behavior like your father’s mostly reflects badly on the person making the demeaning comments, not the person toward whom the comments are directed. I don’t doubt for a moment that everyone who heard him thought to themselves, “Wow. What a wanker.” Including the Archbishop (especially the Archbishop?). Congratulations for not losing your temper. What on earth is your father possibly mad at you for that you had to smooth things over?
What the fuck…dude, this tells me way more about your self-esteem than anything else. Why is your brother better than you again?
Look, what he did is rude, rude, rude. You compounded the mistake by steweing on it all weekend and not telling him. Fair enough, it’s hard to tell parents they’re wrong. But to call him up and tell him he’s forgiven - that would annoy anyone.
I think your father treats you like crap, btw. I would not call it out to my father - I don’t think so, anyway - but yeah, I would slowly limit my contact with him more and more and eventually stop going places with him.
Ah, there’s really no talking about parent stuff in any way that’s going to make sense.
Your father can be a worthless piece of shit and on some level you’ll still want and need his approval. We’re wired that way, for some godforsaken senseless reason.
If your father is such a blowhard that he would tell a roomful of people that the son in the room with him is the “lesser” son, I can think of a couple of immediate responses that would be totally appropriate:
A roll of the eyes that says your old man is just spouting off again, pay him no mind.
Smiling, putting your arm around his shoulder after he’s done and saying, “Now you know why I love him so.”
Seriously, no one in that room thought he was anything but a putz for his behavior. If he’s always been like this, you have to accept - though it will be hard - that the man is not worth trying to change, nor is he worthy of any more respect that he shows you. Anything else is a recipe for your own heartache.
Nobody hearing a man say such a thing about his son would think well of the man and ill of the son. Hearing something like that would have the opposite effect. Your father painted himself a fool in front of important people.
While I think that’s true, it doesn’t change how hard it is to hear your father denigrate you. Quartz, I don’t know if it helps to know you’re not alone, but a lot of us have difficulties with our parents. (My dad, for example, thinks that the only good thing I’ve ever done is take a job that pays a lot of money. In every other way, I’m pretty much a complete disappointment to him.) I try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter, that a big part of his problem is his own relationship with his parents, but it’s still hard.
You’re not alone. And if it helps him realize that it demeans you as a person to treat you that way, then you’re right to talk to him about it. Even better if you can forgive him for the way he acts.
It’s family stuff. It can get messy and painful and there’s never a right way to deal with it. You did good enough that I can see. You didn’t make a scene; you let your Dad know how you felt. Sounds about right.
Ooh, an arrow through the heart!
Your Dad’s got a bad habit, and you let him know you don’t like it, while obviously being the bigger person.
You got through to him, which apparently hasn’t happened before.
Maybe he’ll change his ways, once he calms down.
You have left out a metric fuck ton of information. I think that’s all right, as there is a metric fuck ton of information regarding my intricate family life that concerns none but me and them, yet takes an entire tree’s worth of paper to explain to casual passers-by.
Because you left out a lot of things I’m going to assume a lot of things. Take or leave, as you please:
A very short therapy session (a day a week for a month) gave me invaluable insight into dealing with family slights. YOU know why your father treats you as he does; YOU know why your mother supports him. Talking with a third party will helped me deal with these situations. In my case, it amounted to looking at the transgressor and saying something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, what did you say? Why did you say that? I don’t get it.” The old cliche as that those than installed the buttons know how to properly push them, and learning how to deal with the buttonpushers is as important as learning which buttons have been installed.
But I don’t think you posted this looking for advice, and I’m very sorry this has happened to you. No one other than members of my current governmental administration deserves to feel publically humiliated in a social situation, and it bothers me that anyone - particularly people who are supposed to protect you - have done so.
I encourage you to take good care of yourself and seek out methods to defend youself from those who have the knives with the deepest cut.
And, Quartz: I totally get that you love your father, but I’ve discovered in my 37 years of life that the fact that you love someone doesn’t automatically entitle them to a place in your life. Others’ MMV, I realize, but from where I stand, if you claim to love me, and if you want to be a part of my life, then you’ll treat me with respect and dignity (as I will, you). Or…you won’t, and familial bonds or not, we don’t ever have to see each other again. (Yeah, I’m one of *those * people.)
Anyway, I’m sorry that this happened to you, and I’m sending you warm wishes. Oh, and please do something about your self-esteem, okay? Are you really as bad as all that?
It’s funny. that’s exactly what I was thinking as I was reading what you wrote.
For most humans being your dad does entitle him to a place in your life. It’s called having a family. You get mad, you indulge in another night of dysfunctional self-medication or you continue the cycle of abuse – whatever – but you don’t jettison your own father over a snide comment.
