I have been reading yor saga. I am sorry that you are having a miserable time with your son. I have to be really honest with you though. I think you need to start focusing on Isabelle more and on the son less.
You are coming off as a control freak and it does seem like you are thriving on the drama. Just let go already. That is the main problem I feel you should be working on at this point. The odd thing is, you want control over stuff that isn’t (or shouldn’t be) a problem (such as the bus) , but you don’t take control where you should (i.e, the cell phone). Who is the parent again? Is it you?
If you don’t deal with your issues now, be ready to face the same thing when your next child turns 17. Is that really what you want?
I see that you are signed up for counseling and I hope it works out for you.
Hear, hear. You must, must, must stop doing things like calling to see if he made it to work & checking the route for him. It only serves to allow him to slack while making you feel that he’s not doing anything to help himself.
I understand that it must be difficult letting your kids grow up, but that’s what you gotta do: LET him grow up. Otherwise, he’ll never respect you & he may also feel that you underestimate him anyway, so he’ll just let you.
I know that sometimes parents just say things, just in case, etc.: I’m 24 & my sister’s 22 - we live at home for financial reasons. We generally get along as a family so it’s not too bad.
At the same time, however, I think that our living at home tends to trick our parents into thinking that we’re 14 - sometimes I have to remind my folks of my age.
Case in point: They went out for the day while my sister & I hung around the house. Before they left, they told us to remember to shut everything up if it started to rain.
I just looked at them, then calmly & reasonably said that we’re 24 & 22 & therefore know what to do when it starts to rain. My dad laughed & commented that yeah, he guessed we did. They’re so used to being parents, I think, that they have to remind themselves to let go.
And that’s what you need to learn to do - let go, slowly but surely.
*Side note: I think that you’re off to a good start, but that you need to start really following the bits of advice that you feel are good. Otherwise, people may feel that you’re asking a question while already knowing the answer.
Well he didn’t want to get up at 4:30 in the morning to ride the bus for the remainder of last week or this weekend so he spent the entire weekend at a friends house. (His friend works with him)
So he has yet to actually get up at 4:30 and take the 3.5 hour trek across town on the bus.
He is a foreman at the landscaping place and this incident happened and pissed me off.
His boss put a new guy on my son’s crew. Someone who knew nothing about lawn service. My son told him to lock up the equipment in the cage and then they drove off. The new guy did NOT put all the equipment on the cage and left a $350 weed eater at the last place that they were. So what happend? The boss went back to the place and coulnd’t find the weed eater so he charged my son $350 (because he is the foreman)
He was responsible for the equipment getting locked up, and it wasn’t. It sounds like his boss is also trying to teach him a little something about responsibility and consequences. Good for his boss.
If your son is the foreman then he is responsible for the tools. How does it stink, exactly? Doesn’t that help teach your son responsibility ? Or are you going to help pay for the weed eater and bail your son out ?
I said it before and I’ll say it again. Contact a lawyer before your son moves out.
I guess several things bother me about this incident.
A few months ago the foreman of the crew (age 23) was arrested and put in jail. The boss then gave the title of “foreman” to my son. He gave him credit cards and booku responsibilities but not the pay. He was then responsible for a crew of 8 guys.
IMHO he should have recieved a raise too.
His foreman came back and my son was given the responsibility of foreman for another crew. Obviously if he wasn’t doing a good job he woulnd’t have recieved the responsibilites.
But where should his responsibilites begin and end?
When he was under the foreman he broke a piece of equipment (not on purpose mind you) and he was required to pay for it to be replaced. If I break something at the office I am not required to pay to replace it. No matter if it is a 500 printer or a .99 pencil.
No I do NOT want to pay for the weed eater and bail him out of trouble! I agree this is teaching him responsibility but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Sounds like yer son needs to just quit that job. It’s a pain in the ass all around from what I can see. Hard to get to - lots of responsibility but no cash - and now he’s expected to pay for a piece of equipment? Screw that!
Relax, you’re not paying for the weed eater (if you do, make sure you use a little baby powder to make sure your hijito doesn’t get diaper rash)
A quick boundary lesson: Don’t worry about “teaching” him anything in this situation. Work on respecting the fact that he can handle this on his own. Also work on the fact that you are unwilling to pay for his weed eater. Two separate things, not related to each other.
ISABELLE, with all due respect, it seems to me that you have to not only tell him the following things, but tell them to yourself as well, and more then just say them, believe them.
If he wants to be treated like an adult, then he must make his own decisions and live with the consequences. If his job is not great, because his boss is unfair or the commute sucks or he pay is unfair or whatever – it is his job and his decision to live with the situation, take steps to change it, or quit. No, you don’t have to like how he’s being treated, but you also don’t have to be angry about it because it is not your business and not your problem. As his mother, you understandably don’t like it when you think people are not treating him fairly but guess what? Life is not always fair. Shit happens to everyone and part of being an adult is dealing with it yourself. The bottom line is that it is not enough for you to tell him he has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences. You have to let him make his own decisions and let him live with the consequences.
How he gets to work is his problem. How he deals with issues at work is his problem. If he’s not living with you, how and when and if he gets home or has something to eat or anything is his problem. Not yours.
And I am telling you as a lawyer that the cell phone company is b.s.'ing you if they say there’s nothing you can do about his phone. Send them a letter that says you are revoking the authorization of your credit card; that his use of the phone has been irresponsible and you are worried he will not be able to pay the bill; that you have requested they shut the account and they have refused; and that under those circumstances you are notifying them that you will accept no further responsibility for any charge made to the account as of the date of the letter. Tell them that if they attempt to charge your card you will dispute the charges with the credit card company and send them (the cc company) a copy of the letter as proof that the charges are not authorized. Call the phone company and ask for the address and fax number of the billing department; be sure to put the account number on the letter (if you know it); keep a copy of the letter for your files; and then fax it to them.
You know in your head it’s time to let your son go, because keeping him close isn’t working for either of you. Now it’s time to know that in your heart. Let the boy go. Don’t call him more than once a week. Wait for him to grow up and find his way back to you. He almost certainly will, but not so long as the two of your are locked in a power struggle where you feel he’s taking advantage of you and he feels like you’re smothering him.
And just to clarify: The phone company may be correct if they say that only HE can close the account (even though I doubt it, since he’s a minor). But they certainly cannot continue to hold YOU responsible for the charges once you’ve notified them to the contrary. That’s what the letter should say, and you want to send something in writing in case you need to prove the date of notification later. Good luck.
Why in the world would you pay for this? He’s the one gaining the benefits of being a fireman. He should be the one paying for it. When he enrolls, he’ll be an adult. Do you normally foot the bill for the expenses other adults incur, because I have a mortgage here…?
My point is, when he’s an adult, you have no more responsibilities toward him than you have toward me, a random stranger a thousand miles away. Sure, you love him and want what’s best for him, but you shouldn’t butt into his financial business any more than you should mine. And his job is his business.
I stole this from some parenting tape my parents have.
“That’s a bummer, I’m sure you can handle it.”
Use it as a response, its proactive in that it is respecting the person with the problem, as well as being compassionate about the problem.
Couldn’t find the bus? “That’s a bummer, I’m sure you can handle it.”
Idiot left equipment out? “That’s a bummer, I’m sure you can handle it.”
Didn’t save up for fireman school? “That’s a bummer, I’m sure you can handle it.”
My parents started using this on us long ago. We got to the point that we only asked for help if we needed thoughts on how to handle a problem, actual implimentation is very much our own responsibility.