The reason I felt I should pay for the fireman training is because …well…aren’t ALL parents supposed to help their kids out with college and training? All the good parents I know do.
I kinda felt like I owed it to him. Like it was my duty. The same goes for medical and dental treatment.
I called the phone company and the phone has been switched in HIS name. He got the bill yesterday and it was only $147. WOO HOO! The last few months have been $600+ He told me yesterday that he can get it lower if he tries harder.
“That’s a bummer I’m sure you can handle it” sounds like a good idea. I will try it. Thanks.
I think what we give our children should be what we as parents can give filtered by what the child deserves. Have you voiced to your son all these things you feel are your ‘duty’? If he feels entitled to these benefits as a matter of course then no wonder he doesn’t feel he needs to earn them.
I will be more inclined to help a child who was working hard to help himself than I would a child who thwarted me at every turn.
Eventually too the children become responsible for themselves. That’s what I feel a good parent does: raise a child to become an independant adult.
Not all parents can help their children with college or training. That doesn’t make them bad parents just because they don’t have the cash.
Well I do not have the cash and will be forced to take out a loan. A part of me also feels I have to compensate for him not having a father.
No I have not discussed my feelings of “duty” with my son. We don’t talk on that level.
I would defintly not feel so resentful (for lack of better word) if I saw that he was putting forth a better effort to succeed instead of counting on me. He has said that he has to save XX amount of dollars before he signs up for school so in his mind he is making a huge effort. I didn’t ask him how much XX of dollars was going to cover. Sometimes I am afraid to ask questions.
Now I have a 23 year old daughter who is living on her own and she is working full time and getting ready to go to school also. I don’t feel any guilt about not helping her get into college. She used my tax papers and was eligible for some grant money. Is that wierd?
When I went to college the first time, the help I got from my folks was free room and board. They were coming from a 50s mindset, meaning my brother was the one who needed the good education because he’d have a family to support, whereas I’d be supported by my man. :rolleyes: I had to earn my tuition and pay for my own expenses and take out a loan. They didn’t owe me anything after I turned 18, and I didn’t expect anything.
On the other hand, we’re able to send our daughter to college. She’s up for a full scholarship with a little extra to cover books. My grandfather left her part of his coin collection for her education, and my grandmother had been giving savings bonds for a lot of years. In addition, my kid has been saving her own money. So her education will be paid thru the cooperation of several generations, including herself.
Isabelle, like everyone else before me, you need to decide if you are going to baby him or let him grow up.
No, you are not obligated to pay for fireman school. If you can, fine. If you can’t, you can’t. It’s not like your son has been appreciative of your efforts thus far.
I have already told my children that their father and I cannot afford to send them to college. (We just got them into private school.) It is up to them to get good grades and get scholarships.
DO NOT take your son to work again. As far as calling him when he’s not home at night…I think that’s discourteous of him because he’s living under your roof, and you expect him home at a certain time.
It’s quite possible your son is enjoying all this turmoil he is causing you. Try to go a day or two without calling him. Concentrate on your other children. As far as the food situation or the thermostat goes…I think you have to pick your battles, else you are going to be overwhelmed. Focus on the cell phone and the transportation right now.
And phooey on the five weeks. If he doesn’t improve drastically in the next two days, pack his ass up and change the locks.
I have been following this thread closely, because my 19 year old acts along these lines too. I have been pulling my hair out trying to get him to act responsibly. I also spoil him way too much, and I have started to get resentful at how he takes advantage of me.
Hang in there Isabelle, I know how hard it can be. You seem to be getting some backbone, and almost everyone’s advice is helpful. To us lurkers too!
My parents are great parents, and they didn’t pay for a dime of my college. It was my education, not theirs. When I lost my scholarship for a semester due to low grades, it was me who got the loan to cover that semester. And it was me who paid it back when I graduated. I didn’t ask for any more help than advice on how to start the loan process, and they didn’t offer any more help than that. It was tough love, and I never resented them for it. On the contrary, I respected their decision to let me do things my way.
I’m sure they wanted to knock me upside the head for my mistakes. I’m sure they even desired to set things right, but they knew the mistakes were mine to make and mine to correct. And I did. And I learned my lesson. Without punishment and without babying.
Isabelle, I feel for you. I am not a parent, but I can imagine how extremely frustrated you must feel in regards to your 17 year old.
But as the youngest child growing up with older siblings who pushed the boundaries and made Mom a sick&tired wreck, please heed my words: DO NOT forget your younger children. DO NOT expend all your energy on the “bad egg” to leave the rest with sloppy seconds. Please make sure that you are relishing the good from them, and acknowledging it every day. You can break the cycle early with them and hopefully they won’t feel the need to act out the way your 17 year old is.
Good for you on getting counseling! I wish you the best, and lots of happy vibes.
My parents didnt pay for my education. And frankly, I’m not planning on paying for my kids’ education, if I ever have any. I dont think that makes someone a horrible parent at all.
My parents didn’t pay for any of their children’s educations. It took my older brother 8 years to work his way through college, but he did it. With honors. I worked HARD to get a great scholarship, then I saved every penny during my summer jobs so I could have money at college. My parents let me raid their cupboards for peanut butter and soup. But never paid 1 penny for tuition, books or fees. We EARNED our college education. And value it all the more.
And yes, it is weird that you only feel the need to support the son and not the daughter. Why should he get special treatment? What has he done to deserve it?
I think it’s BS that he has to pay for broken tools. Landscaping tools, by nature, work hard, then break. Not necessarily due to neglect or abuse, just normal use. What was it he broke, and how?
He hasn’t done anything to deserve it. On the contrary. Out of 5 kids he has received the most of everything. He is the child that is most like his dad. He thinks the world owes him something.
I divorced my husband yet I live with min-ex everyday!
As far as the tools go.
he fell into a pool while blowing the pool area and had to pay for the new blower. That was over $300.
He broke an edger and had to pay $75 to get ir repaired.
the 17 Year Old played hookie from work yesterday (he has all week long) As I left the house for work I reminded him (as always to do his chores)
When I came home from work last night he wasn’t home and his chores wern’t done. I did NOT call him. I went about my business.
Last night was the first family cousneling session (which went pretty well) We got home at 9PM and I was greeted by a phone call from 17 Year Old to come pick him up. He was at a friends house that was 45 min away ONE WAY! I said no! He begged and said it was an emergency that the friends he was with got into a fight (they are boyfriend and girlfriend) and he didn’t want to get in the middle of it and needed a ride home. Again I said no and went to bed.
I did not sleep a wink. I heard the phone ring many a times and could hear the other kids trying to make arrangements with their friends to pick up 17 Year old.
At 3AM the phone rang and I answered it really nasty. No one responded. Again I said “hello” no response. So I just listened in on the phone. I could hear wind as though it was a cell phone so I assumed it was 17 Year old. I left the phone off the hook and went back to bed.
I laid in bed envisioning that he was helpless somewhere and I was turning my back on him. What if this was his last phone call home and they found him dead? Oh I was miserable.
At 5AM I got up to call my boss and tell him I would be late. I had not slept a wink all night and was miserable. When I picked up the phone the person was still there. I tried disconnecting the phone but it didn’t work so I resorted to using one of the kids cell phones to call my boss. Then I went back to bed.
When I got up at 9 this morning I picked up the phone and there was no one there. I asked my youngest son what ever happend with the 17 YEar Old getting a ride last night? he said they coulnd’t find anyone so he spent the night at his friends house (the couple that was in the fight)
I guess it is safe to assume that 17 Year Old did not go to work again today.
17 Year Old confided in me yesterday that he did not go to work on Monday (memorial day) because it was a holiday. Well he later found out he was supposed to work anyhow and his boss was going to fire him. So he had 15 Year Old call boss and tell him that 17 Year Old was in jail. Boss said “ok tell him to come back to work as soon as he gets out” He hasn’t been to work all week.
I think it’s time for you to GET REAL. My bad, I watch too much Dr. Phil. I think you should send this whole thread to the Dr. Phil show. He’d probably have you on the show and hook you up with free counseling and do follow ups. Plus a trip to California would be cool. I have no other useful advice to give, becuase until you help your self and your insecurities, you won’t get the conflict with your son resolved. Good Luck. I was hell on my mom too. She stood her ground and survived (so did I).
I’m really wanting to call 17 Year Old up and bitch him out. I want to yell DON"T YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCREWING UP YOUR LIFE, AND YOU ARE DRAGGING THE ENTIRE FAMILY DOWN WITH YOU? DON"T YOU CARE?
I wish I could knock some sense into him.
Yes I stuck to my guns and did not go to his rescue. But it did not feel good. It still doesn’t. I have a loom and doom feeling hanging over me this morning and I don’t like it.
ISABELLE, this is not going to be easy. It’s going to be really, really hard. Your son is going to have to get a taste of reality the hard way, and he may even declare he hates you for refusing to bail him out.
But you know you can’t allow things to continue as they have been! He feels smothered, you feel resentful, he learns nothing about responsibility, and you are exhausted by trying to help him do the things he should be doing himself. As hard as it is to kick this oversized chick out of the nest, that’s what you have to do. He may be screwing up his life, but you CANNOT let him drag the whole family down with him.
If he’s pissing his job away, what does that mean with regard to him moving out and in with his sister? How’s he going to do that if he can’t pay the rent. If you can stand some more advice, the next time I saw him I would inform him in no uncertain terms that when the five weeks is up he is out of there, the locks will be changed, and he had better have lined up some place to go. Make it absolutely clear you are NOT kidding, and then DO it.
And please keep trying to contact his probation officer. Tell him or her that he cannot live with you because he is disrespectful and absolutely refuses to obey the house rules. Tell him or her that you are concerned he will lose his job and then have no way to pay rent and no place to go. Make it clear to them as well that he CANNOT continue to stay with you.
Don’t give up! It’s hard to do the right thing for yourself and your other kids, but that’s what you have to do. You cannot rescue him; you can only hope that in time he will wise up enough to rescue himself.
All the stuff Jodi said and you have to make it clear to him that his problems are his own and not to make the 15 yo lie for him and to explain to the 15 yo that he cannot do that again!