I am a control freak aren’t I? The 17 Year Old is a control freak and manipulator! So we are toxic together!
I just called my church and set up an appointmetn with the counselor. I go next week.
I have been to AA, NA , Alanon and I tried the Fresh Starts program at church but I didn’t really learn anything from any group. Other then what was happening in my life was indeed related to drugs and alcohol. I have been to numerous Parenting Classes and basically just picked up tips. Nothing to write home about.
At this stage I think running away to Jamaica for a month, sitting on the beach with margaritas and watching the pool boys is a good option. Let the household run itself!!
I haven’t really said anything about this so far, but I read this statement and was struck by it. Why should he call you? The ideal situation would be that he would figure out a solution to his problems on his own, which would entail not having to call Mom. Maybe he called the bus service to find out when he could catch the next bus. Maybe he called his employer and took a couple of sick hours until he could get the next bus. Maybe he called a cab. Or maybe, unfortunately, he’s still asleep on the couch.
My younger brother (by about 2 years) was a little more “coddled” than I was, and by the time he was 16 or 17 he barely knew how to function without somebody doing things for him or telling him what to do. It was kind of obnoxious getting phone calls all the time requiring assistance, and quite often getting up in the middle of the night to find him when he got lost, check his oil for him, etc. We were happy when he stopped calling for assistance and started to figure things out on his own. When he first did this, though, he did mess it up a few times (like when he ran his car off the road, figured out how to get it back onto the road himself, and then proceeded to tell no one until it was noticed that he had busted his oil pan in the incident–the underside of the engine had a BUNCH of dirt and grass stuck in it when we looked at it :rolleyes: ).
He needs to learn that he can resolve his own problems (and that he has to if he wants to stay out of trouble, which is a unique situation with which I have no experience), and while he’s learning he may screw up a few times but he should come out of it all the better for it. As they say, we learn from our mistakes. So what happens when someone keeps you from making mistakes?
Why should he call you? The ideal situation would be that he would figure out a solution to his problems on his own, which would entail not having to call Mom.
Since I have not witnessed any of this behavior in the past, I just assume he will call me to rescue him. Yes ideally he would figure something out on his own and fast. Maybe he has and I am not giving him enough credit. Should I call home and find out?
As Greck pointed out I AM A CONTROL FREAK!! Since he can not make good decisions on his own (past troubles with the law) I try and control him in hopes of keeping me out of trouble and on the straight and narrow. I can see from reading everyones posts that I am not helping him this way I am only hurting him. I don’t want this!!! I want to be a good parent and do what is right. This tough love SUCKS!
So the million dollar question is: Should I call his cell phone and see what he is doing?
Why should he call you? The ideal situation would be that he would figure out a solution to his problems on his own, which would entail not having to call Mom.
Since I have not witnessed any of this behavior in the past, I just assume he will call me to rescue him. Yes ideally he would figure something out on his own and fast. Maybe he has and I am not giving him enough credit. Should I call home and find out?
As Greck pointed out I AM A CONTROL FREAK!! Since he can not make good decisions on his own (past troubles with the law) I try and control him in hopes of keeping me out of trouble and on the straight and narrow. I can see from reading everyones posts that I am not helping him this way I am only hurting him. I don’t want this!!! I want to be a good parent and do what is right. This tough love SUCKS!
So the million dollar question is: Should I call his cell phone and see what he is doing?
No, don’t call. Pretend he’s a responsible almost-adult. Pretend he had a dream that he should get his stuff together, and he did.
I tend to be controlling, too, and it’s a struggle to let go, but you have to. If you were abducted by aliens, he’d have to figure it our on his own. So sit back, relax, enjoy the trip to the Gamma Quadrant, and don’t touch that dial!!!
I called and said I was just calling to see if you found a way to work and he said no. I said did you call the bus line and get another time available to get there? He said no. I said woulnd’t that have been a smart thing to do? He said I don’t care anymore.
I said well I need to go. I was just concerned. He said ok, bye.
I am going to stop responding to your threads. You obviously are not really looking for away to make anything better. You must thrive on the drama in your life.
Well FairyChatMom I will heed that advice tomorrow when I start out fresh. Afterall it is another day for him to begin his quest as a responsible adult and get to work!
The weather here is sunny, not too hot (about 89) Looks like we are going to get a thunderstorm this afternoon.
Jamiaca is looking pretty good to me still. Care to join me?
Ya know what is really tiring? I have 5 kids and this kid is the one who drains me the most! I feel like I have to put everyone else on the back burner to put out fires for him. I thought breastfed kids were supposed to be more self-sufficent? ha ha
I put him in a Christian Boarding school for a year in hopes of solving some issues he has, but it appears nothing wore off.
Aside from his normal schooling he received group counseling and personal counseling on a daily basis.
Looks like none of the skills wore off. Well that was a waste of time and money.
You know what would really work? The Military! But <alas> he refuses to go in. He says it will be too much like jail.
I don’t have the kind of personal experience that Jonathan Chance has with regard to this issue, but I can tell you, as the child of an overprotective and domineering (though loving) mother, that your son will feel so much better as a person when he starts figuring out how to take care of his own problems!
I didn’t do it myself until I was in my mid-20s, and yes, my mother still has many a “strong suggestion” about how I should handle things; but every day I pretty much feel like I rock, simply because I live in my own house (which I furnished myself), pay my own bills, and don’t ask my mother for money. (My older sister, on the other hand, lived with my mom until she married a couple of years ago, and routinely asks my mother–who furnished most of my sister’s apartment and pays my sister’s gas card bill–for money to support her own kids.)
I know that if I ever fell upon hard times, my mom would help me out in any way she could, and that’s comforting to me, but it’s a real source of pride for me, given my sister’s situation (and frankly, we’re all enablers in that one–I’ve given my sister money, too), that she doesn’t have to.
I feel all Mary Tyler Moore and shit.
Trust me–your son will appreciate the feeling, too (even if he’s not tossing his hat in the air in the middle of a busy NYC street).
I think Greck hit a nerve when he said to trace back to where I became a controller. As a child - adult my parents made all my decisions. I was never allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. They told me when to eat, drink and poop and I did as I was told. I can remember even my first job was decided by them. I came home from school and my mother told me to change that I was going on a job interview at a nursing home. Little did I know that I already had the job (it was a friend of theirs) and that I would work in the kitchen. At 21 I wasn’t even allowed to get my haircut the way I wanted it. At 22 I ran away. Yes I RAN AWAY It was at this time that I took control of my life. By then I had gotten pregnant and was raising a child on my own. We did not have life easy. There were times when we slept in the car and had nothing to eat. But I am a survivor and managed to get a duplex and like you, furnished it, etc…on my own and felt good. I never looked back. Now my siblings on the other hand (who are in their 30’s) still depend on mommy to take care of them. I took control of things because I had to. Somewhere along the line I guess I never gave up that control. After writing this I see where I am doing the same thing to my son that was done to me and it is wrong (pure and simple)
I need a 12 step program so I am not a control freak.
I do have to say in my defense that with the other children I am NOT this way with them. I think it is because the 17 year old has gotten into so much trouble with the law. It has affected me.
Well he did it! he got up at 4:30 this morning and walked to the bus stop. Only there were two bus stops. One on each side of the street. Naturally the side he chose…the bus didn’t come to. He waited there till 6:30 and no other bus came so he walked home and asked me for a ride. I gave him a ride because he TRIED…he made a stride…he made a good effort. He told me he has already made arrangements to get home.
HOWWWWW did he choose the wrong bus stop? He’s never ridden the bus to work at all? Ok, even then, wouldn’t the direction of travel be a good indicator?
The real question is why he didn’t go across the street and ask someone if he/she new which bus to take to this other town. The answer is: He didn’t care enough. If there had been a million dollar prize waiting for him at work, he would have asked. I speak from problem-hassle-avoidance personal experience.
No he has never ridden the bus. To get to his place of employment you could have gone in either direction. I think it is understandable that he didn’t know.
He said there was no one at either bus stop. In order for him to get across the street he would have had to run across 6 lanes of traffic (big street) not so easy (fast) to get to the other side.
I bet if there was a million dollar pot he would have found a way!
I called the bus line and they said he should be on the “north” side of the street. I had to ask someone which was the north side cause even I didn’t know.
If the cell phone hasn’t been turned off, he would have called someone for help in finding the right bus, if he had been REALLY motivated.
This is known as focusing on the problem, instead of the solution. Yes, there are a lot of excuses that could be made, if you want excuses. You could also have something that might be a solution, if you are willing to try hard enough.
