[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Jodi *
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1)I think the idea that ISABELLE is culturally incapable of exercising some tough love with regard to her son both assumes facts about her we don’t know and is insulting to Latino culture –
2)when you say I am encouraging her to “abandon” him, which is crap.
3)who wants to be treated like an adult actually act like an adult is hardly “abandonment.”
I NEVER said she should “kick him out of her life.” YOU may have said that but I did NOT.
5)Hell’s bells, what do you suggest?
6)Oh, that’s right, that’s what she has to do because she’s Latina.
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I never said incapable, I said it would feel like a sin.
I never said you were encouraging her to abandon her son.
now you’re assuming what the kid wants
I didn’t accuse you of saying that.
I’ve already suggested what I would suggest. If I come up with any more suggestions I will certainly suggest them.
I never said she was bound to any imperative, I merely stated that such an action would likely contradict one’s culture assuming one is latina (which, of course, I was wrong in Isabelle’s case).
No it’s not, you just misread it.
For this woman to give the kid money free of desire to get a “thank you” or (sorry Isabelle) love in return would be a HUGE stretch in her comfort zone. It’s exactly this type of boundary violation that’s got her in the position she’s in now, and this is the way out.
Isabelle, there is your answer, the simply stated fix to your problems: learn some boundaries.
Simple and easy aren’t the same thing btw, it’s probably going to take you a long time.
Hell’s bells, Isabelle, what the freak do you think we’ve been doing for your past three threads?
This problem did not develop overnight. You’re not going to snap your fingers and get him into Respectful Child and Responsible Almost Adult Land just like that.
You may not be able to kick him out. Call the probation officer and tell him he’s not working and he’s not helping around the house. Establish the rules and don’t bend them. Quit catering to him. If he turns down the thermostat, turn it back up.
You both have some retraining to do, him to learn respect, and you to learn to be more of a parent and less of a doormat.
I know you’re frustrated. But the fact is, this is a crappy situation and you’re not going to solve it with sweetness and light. You have to be the bad guy. After all, you have had one success story…your daughter, so you know we’re right.
What a trainwreck… However, Isabelle seems a devoted, loving, decent person, and the tough-love advice shown her is pretty much on-track.
I missed the part about the probation officer, but anyone who needs a probation officer is already a lost-cause. Well, lost for a yeawr or two. I’d be more concerned with the 15 yo who will follow in his brother’s footsteps unless Isabelle lays the law down for him!
The 15 yo boy is smiting you in favor of his brother… which is understandable, from a semi-retarded 15 year old standpoint.
Your focus now should be on the 15 yo brother. Severe punishments and moral lessons should be raining down on him right now! The 17 yo will be a loser jackass for a few years, but the 15 yo is about to go off the tracks as well. Get him on the straight and narrow, Isabelle.
Yeah, but when I saw that, I figured 15yo did that because he was scared of 17yo. Doesn’t mean he’s going “off the tracks” of his own volition and “smiting” Isabelle.
I mean, everyone here agrees that it’s a good idea, but for what purpose? What do you want out of the meeting and is it possible to get that?
As I see it, you can do a couple of things:
-You can open lines of communication with this person.
-You can rat on your son (and you should, because it’s the right thing to do in terms of your own self respect) man, he’s gonna be pissed, good luck.
Advice: make it clear that you’re just interested in keeping your nose clean, and doing the ethical thing, not getting your son in trouble or teach anyone any lessons. You’re just playing your role as part of the team, fulfilling your obligation; keep it simple and clear.
I think if you go in there hoping he/she will straighten out your son, you’re setting yourself up for more disappointment and frustration. Let go of any anticipation of resolution you might have. Let the fact that you’re doing what you’re supposed to do be it’s own reward.
-Disclaimer: described above is a philosophy, a way of approaching this from the inside out. If you really don’t believe this, you’re going to come off as spiteful, and that’s a bad thing. Let go of your desire for a fix to this situation, THERE IS NO FIX, there is only the journey toward the fix. The journey IS the fix.
Because he is not 18 and a parent must be with the minor. It is the law. He can not attend court appearances without me either.
I am just going to be honest and tell the PO what has been happening and let the chips fall where they may. I do not expect that she is going to “fix” the 17 Year Old. That kind of fixing has to come from within.
Good for you, Isabelle! I think you deserve a pat on the back and major kudos for caring enough to want to do right by him (some parents would just say “screw it” and wash their hands of their kid until he was of age and be done with it), get not only him, but the whole family counselling (which was what I recommended in the last thread) and to understand that the only person who can change him is him.
Go You!
Best of luck with the counselling and the appointment with the probation officer. You are absolutely doing the right thing.
And Jodi, I cracked the heck up when you said I was the voice of reason after I posted in huge, bold caps. Thanks for the giggle (and the affirmation).
17 Year Old just called and asked for another “favor” HA!
he asked if I would call the bus lines and get information for him.
I said “hold on” I gave him the number and told him to call himself.
