The Anxiety is Killing Me!

[Farmer_Jane]

@pbbth

Now I’m confused.

If this is the case why did you even mention the cereal thing as an issue in your OP? When you say, “Sometimes my son eats cereal in his sack lunch because I couldn’t make it to the store” that reads as though you are ashamed of this and that you only do so because you literally have no other food to send with him to school. If this is a normal thing and he gets plenty of other food along with cereal what were you so upset about?

I am ashamed because I meticulously plan out his lunches. Because I want him to have the best. Because it is not normal to be scared of Safeway. That is shameful. I hate myself. Doesn’t matter if he loves his Cherrios, Craisins & banana main course - it’s there because the anxiety of leaving was too much and we still had some food in the house and maybe we’re out of salad dressing or Quorn (his meal has to be vegetarian kosher).

But I have a system for things. Fridays is breakfast day. Every other Friday I get up early (4:45) and make him an egg and cheese for lunch (and breakfast). Fridays we go to shul (with the exception of today - he’s with a friend tonight) and usually eat at the Mexican place across the street or make homemade pizza or something. Sundays I get up before he does and I make him eggs.

That opens up some questions about the rest of your OP. When you said, “I can’t take my son out as much as I want to. I can’t take him to birthday parties every weekend because there are other parents there and I’m soooo anxious all week that on the weekends I need to crawl into bed where it’s safe.” I read that as you literally spend two days not leaving your bed except to go to the bathroom. If that isn’t true and you’re just a homebody then why is it an issue, especially if you are taking him out every Friday night?

I have not been taking him out as much, but still most times. We did go out last week down the street, even with the snow, because I promised we could. What I am trying to say is that the anxiety is increasing and I’m afraid I don’t know what to do. I want to lie in bed all day - the past few months I’ve had a couple of those, pissing around on the computer while he gets some free Wii time or is at my aunt’s house - but I’m pushing, pushing, pushing. It is easier to take him to dinner after karate class than it is to go one of those damned birthday parties.

When you said, "I spent most of 2011 in my house. I didn’t have a job - couldn’t find one til August. We had a hard time eating and my dad had to give me rent money several times " I read that as you literally only left you house a handful of times over an 8 month period.

For social reasons - yes.

I also connected this to the cereal issue you mentioned since you say getting enough food was difficult. Together this sounds like your son is undernourished and has been for more than a year. You’ve since stated that is not the case so then why did you mention it if it isn’t a problem?

Because I don’t like to feed my kid cheap junk, but sometimes it* was* mac and cheese and Hebrew nationals or a burrito dinner. It was a rough year, because I was living off of child support and my dad’s sporadic generosity.

@monstro

CitizenPained, you go to temple on the regular, right? You need to take advantage of this resource. Go to the Rabbi or his wife or somebody. If they can’t help you somehow, then those people just ain’t no good.

I’m close with the Rabbi’s wife. I’ll send a note. The Rabbi helped me pay for my first major dental appointment from his discretionary fund (I think I mentioned it on here), so I don’t want finances, and I don’t think he does counseling. Also, I’ve been to their house, so it’s weird. But maybe the Mrs. Rabbi can at least drag me out of the house and offer emotional support.

I really do think I need to be put back on meds, though. I’m just sinking. I keep wishing I’ll get hit by a bus. Every morning I’ve woke up and thought, “Fuck. It’s not Friday.” And I LOVE my job.