The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry

Saturn junior is away at his grandmother’s house and my wife and I had the entire evening to ourselves, so we decided to visit a new wine bar that opened up recently in the neighborhood. The food was nothing special, but the cost to quality performance of the wines was spectacular (partly due to opening specials they were offering) and we ended up opening a bottle of Vosne-Romanee and a half-bottle of Louis Roederer.

We get home at a fairly early 9:30pm and we’re feeling pretty good with some nice wine in us and happy at having found a new place close by. We have the whole house and the rest of the night to ourselves so we decided to end it in bliss by having a marathon session under the covers.

In preparation, we take a bath together and wash each other before finishing with a nice long soak. While my wife is drying her hair and taking care of her nightly regimen, I light the candles on our nightstands and ready the warming massage oil that my wife loves so much. She comes into the bedroom and takes off her robe to reveal her feminine curves which are softly tinted by the flickering candlelight, and this just increases my excitement and anticipation.

I hold open the bed covers and beckon her next to me and as she joins my side, she drops her head backwards right on top of my face. She misses my nose by inches, but the brunt of the force is taken on my mouth. My upper front teeth get driven into my bottom lip and splits it open, making my mouth bloody and numb. The wine we had earlier acts as a thinner and the blood dribbling down my chin won’t stop. My wife is apologizing profusely while cleaning up the mess on my face and kisses the area to make it feel better, but all I can feel is pain. After about 10 minutes of applied pressure, the bleeding stops but my lip has swollen to about double its size and just resting my upper lip on the bottom hurt. I appreciated my wife giving me a blowjob to ease the pain, but I just couldn’t concentrate and wasn’t confident that I could reciprocate. Even with my mouth out of commission, I suppose I could have used other parts of my body to please my wife, but after a mini-scene out of ER, and me looking like an extra on The Walking Dead, I took an aspirin before calling it a night.

I’m sorry. Really truly sorry.
But I am laughing out loud.
Sorry. (Snicker)

But so damn funny!

Neither a best laid plan nor a best planned lay…

FriarTed, you kiss the Bishop’s ring with that mouth? :smiley:

This happened to my brother: While in college, he had a first-time girlfriend he was hopeful he could finally bed in a romantic evening. He had a nice pizza delivered, he bought pricey champagne, and even bought candles he lit for romantic effect. It worked; she had fallen under his spell, and was seemingly amenable to go all the way. But, as things were getting hot and heavy, the smoke detector in his dorm room suddenly went off, due to aforementioned candles. Furiously, he tried to silence the alarm, but it was too high up for him to reach. He jumped, he missed, he jumped again, he missed again; he grabbed a chair and finally knocked the detector off the wall. He then spent the rest of the evening trying to regain lost territory, but was unsuccessful.

A plan is just a list of things that don’t happen.

Ugh. It hurt just reading that. Especially the part about being given a BJ.

If the BJ hurts, you’re doing it wrong.

This is more gross than funny. But we thought it was amusing in a way. We also found ourselves alone in the house one night. We were looking forward to a night of reckless abandonment where we could be as loud as we wanted, etc.
Then I got my period. Any of you ladies who are perimenopausal can relate. The words heavy flow don’t begin to describe it. We didn’t want to waste the opportunity so we had a good time anyway but it was kind of like cleaning up a murder scene afterwards. (Only slight exaggeration.)

Nope. I just don’t like 'em. Period. I’m sure guys like me are VERY rare.

I once dated a man who didn’t like them, either, but when he told me why, it was understandable.

He got his first one from a neighbor when he was 5 years old. :frowning: :mad:

Not tonight honey. I have a headache.

Ended up with a fairly bleedy gash to my ear last night. Oh the wanton abandon of not taking his watch off first. I wondered why I had to wake up to one of the dogs gently licking my ear this morning.