Right around there, actually. My daughter seems to have gotten it at 14ish as well, and now her favorite eye-rolling insult is “too emo to live”. Good luck!
Unless you’re sitting under a tree. The tree makes all the difference – if the tree roots are exposed, for example, the depth of one’s angst can be increased by sitting on them for a few hours.
We don’t have many good shade trees in the major parts of my university’s campus. The ones we do have always have people sleeping under them, or occasionally using a laptop to pick up the wireless network. Occasionally, this guy shows up under the big oak trees in the Brickyard to read the Bible out loud to passing students.
Well, since whatever I write here will be looked down upon, I will just post a story that I was eventually going to submit for review, but under the circumstances… I wrote it back in high school. (and for the half of you who will google it to prove to yourselves that I plagiarized it, I did post it on a matching site (imagine that, an antisocial on a dating site (needless to say, I got no hits.))) After this I will go safely back to lurking since my posts will just be rightfully ignored. Enjoy!
A Past Not Forgotten By: Me
The subsequent article was told to me by one of my father’s friends at a dinner party. Hailing from the country of Niernafar, he is currently employed with the government. Remarkably, their government is mainly made up of two separate groups, a group of problem finders, and a group of problem solvers. He is the former, and a few of his more famous problems are entitled, “A Pondering on the Continuously Disappearing Bank Pen”, “A Treatise on the Hard to find Exit”, and his most famous, “Of the Shortage of Problem Solvers” The following is dubbed “A Dissertation on the Concept of Honour in Family”. He starts …
I write to you in the here and now, trying to avert a disaster that is inescapable. Imagine if you will that the cliché comet is coming to earth. Perceive me as the scientist that tells the people it is coming. I know that those who hear me will try to stop it in their own feeble way, but in the end, there are just some events that, once set in motion, must come about.
Please consider what you know about the mingling of culture and honor. Think of a place in which much is done for face, and where even a miniscule amount of shame can send tremors throughout the community. Logically, many of you will come up with the Japanese, a culture branded by seppuku, a ritual suicide utilized to bring a morsel of honor to a person absolutely lacking. However, that was in the past. The European definition of money has been introduced, and the ancient Japanese family structure is falling apart. In the times of yore, honorable sons used to bring their wives back to live with their parents. Now, that tradition is being brought to the chopping block, and yet another revered tradition is done away with. What could possibly cause this? But before you answer that, consider why people would do that in the first place. Perhaps it is because of money. Save an extra yen by keeping only one household? I am sure that the majority will think that, and that is why you cannot be saved.
Money has manifested itself in place of the honour that people once felt. Instead of being proud that your father performs selfless deeds that are respected throughout the community, you are instead proud of the six or seven figure income you parents earn. Few people can experience honour in a family that expects spiritual reward for physical gain.
But, alas, I digress. This article is not here to tell you how capitalism has spoiled your life (that article comes next week). Way back when, our parents used to be the people we learnt from. And I’m not talking just about social ideas and prejudice either. From them, we discovered all the important things in life, but first and foremost was how to survive. However, modern times dictate that it is now the child that is teaching the parent. With the rising necessity of technology, our parents’ wisdom is becoming obsolete. I have just heard that the times are changing again…
At that point in his coherent ramble, dinner was called for. He put it on hiatus, and we promised to come back to it later. I have not seen him since.
I hope you are studying mathematics.
Best post in the thread.
(emphasis mine)
So…was this dinner party guest supposed to be writing this live at the party, perhaps on a giant white board, or did he carry it around with him in case a situation arose requiring poorly thought out hypotheticals?
And just out of curiosity, why did you think posting this awful thing in this thread would be a good idea? Why on earth would you post it on a dating site? More generally, what is wrong with you?
Actually, it looks like he’s trying to indulge in a literary conceit of “a story within a story within a story”, (the way Mary Shelley did when she had Frankenstein’s monster telling Frankenstein how he happened to learn speech, which Frankenstein is relating to the captain of the icebound ship, which is in the book Frankenstein).
Well that didn’t clarify anything at all, did it?
My guess is that the father’s friend is reading aloud from his article, either already published, or in draft form.
Don’t know why he describes it as “coherent”, though.
Isn’t that just a bit… futile?
I’m not going to make fun of your story. However, my reason for not making fun of your story is that to do so honestly would require my reading it, and after the first paragraph, my eyes glazed over faster than they ever did reading about the Rule against perpetuities.
I’m sticking with Troll.
We have a rule against perpetuities now? I thought it was just “Don’t Be a Jerk”, “don’t talk about your ignore list”, “no insults outside the Pit”, and “report suspected socks to the mods, instead of outing them yourself.”
Man, it’s getting to be Rule City around here; population: Us.
Y’know, my ten year old grandchild is writing a book too, which oddly enough is similar in tone to the scribbly bit Mr. Trip-Trap Tristam has graced us with–the main difference is that A) the grandkid is less pretentiously precious in his “looky my big words strung randomly together!” expressions and B) the story he’s telling is actually kind of interesting. Much too influenced by Christopher Paolini, Terry Pratchett and Tolkien, of course, but it has some legs. Of course, the grandkid has the disadvantage of being forced to use a computer to compose his magnum opus on and therefore misses out on the inestimable advantage of tree bark as a stimulus to creativity, but he makes up for it in humor and imagination. The grandkid has also learned that while it might be fictionally exciting to be a master thief, in real life all it gets you is arrested, grounded, and mercilessly made the brunt of the considerable talents at sarcastic insults his family excels at.
I’m betting the grandkid will get laid before the OP–any takers? 
From what I could tell, the story doesn’t actually make quite as much sense as the Rule Against Perpetuities.
It reads like Borges, if Borges was such an awful writer that my eyes started bleeding when I tried to read him. Which, incidentally, is why I didn’t finish reading what he posted.
WAVERLY –
Well, that’s not the part that indicated trolling to me, as I thought I said, but you called my post “terribly funny” so everything else you said must have been true as well. 
My God! It’s Rik, the People’s Poet!
could it be
that I’m going to grow up
to be a great poet and thinker, and all those other wankers in my
class are going to have to work in factories or go on the dole?
yes, I think it could.
Nah, we’re allowed to make Troll accusation in the Pit now, but nowhere else. Hang on, there was a sticky around here somewhere … Ah! Here it is.
Then again, is a sock a troll? Does the allowance of troll also allow sock? I’m not sure. Guess I have to read the sticky.
Sounds to me like they were. You missed out. Those Jesus folk were destined to be your best friends. Alas.
Hey Trist, welcome to The Pit. If it feels like a kindergarten playground around here, well…that should tell you something.
(1) Stealing is wrong, mmm’kay? I’m down with the “Morals? PFFT!” attitude, but remember, actions have consequences. Hope you get it out of your system.
(2) Next time someone tries to convert your religion, treat them like you would a telemarketer. Either tell them (politely) to bugger off, or explain that you’ve already found your own Inner Peace and are Following The Path to your Own Personal Enlightenment, or flat out ** LIE ** and say that you’re already converted. (Best to memorize some pithy bible quotes, and shoplift a crucifix, if you go with the last method.)
(3) If you’re truly interested in writing, take some classes. And KEEP WRITING. Eventually, you’ll create something that doesn’t suck.