What, you want cats to be even more trainable when it’s the devil already doing the training? Done. You’re gonna have to learn to sleep with one eye open from now on.
I wish for ever expanding hard drive space so I never run out.
You have an infinitely expanding hard drive. Unfortunately, every time you try to retrieve data from it, you get reality TV show episodes dubbed in Klingon instead.
I wish to have my immortal soul back.
The devil had been using your soul as toilet paper before returning it to you, so now you perpetually emanate the vilest stench that never goes away. You have to sell it back for pennies on the dollar to get rid of it.
I wish the coronavirus would finally be cured.
The coronavirus will finally be cured, in the year 26,739 A.D. On a Tuesday, after lunch.
I wish the average IQ of a human being currently living was 140.
Every person in the world is now “the smartest guy in the room” and nothing gets done because everyone is convinced their ideas are just as good as anyone else. In other words, nothing much changes.
I wish the McRib was available year-round.
The McRib is now available year-round. But it’s the same McRib - old, moldy and stale - and nobody wants it.
I wish there were no more birth defects.
Starting today no more children are born. Society gradually crumbles as people succumb to despair, seeing no future for humanity.
I wish mosquitos didn’t exist.
Mosquitos’ place in the food chain has been taken over by murder hornets.
I wish Emma Peel had remained John Steed’s partner.
Diana Rigg turns down On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, never manages to establish a career beyond the series and in her later years, bitterly refers to her decision to remain on The Avengers as “the biggest mistake of my life.”
I wish Twinkies came in packs of three.
Twinkies come in packs of three. And because of the common American saying of, “I think I’ll 'ave a twinkie by jove.” Americans eat 3 times as many twinkies and are Super Obese. Since Super Obesity changes ones DNA Super Obesity is now a genetic predisposition and the average American baby is born weighing 87 pounds.
As such it has now become legal to hunt Super Obese Americans as sport for their own good so they don’t eat themselves to death.
As such I have a trophy on my wall from that time I came in second place in the regional Hunt for Super Obese Babies! in the over 200 pounds category.
I wish chocolate ice cream tasted more chocolatey.
Chocolate reverts to its most basic form as cacao seeds, and chocolate ice cream is removed of non-chocolate taste inhibitors such as sugar, milk, and vegetable oils. You are left with frozen cacao seeds and have to crunch extra hard to eat it. Your teeth break out and you are only left with your tongue to suck out any chocolate flavor from the icy seeds.
I wish AV receivers were easier to hook up to my entertainment system.
The passage of the Knowed_Out Entertainment Center Compliancy Act massively disrupts the consumer electronics industry, bankrupting numerous manufacturers and causing a stock sell-off that erases billions of dollars from the economy. Knowed_Out is burned in effigy in cities around the world and is forced to change his/her name and go into hiding.
I wish the Beatles had reunited prior to John Lennon’s death.
Behold, a CD showing the one-shot Beatles reuniting at a club with poor acoustics, badly playing 13 (count 'em, 13!) Elvis Presley standards, all sung by Ringo with John on the drums, Paul on the tambourine and George shouting things from offsides. Muddy and very nearly impossible to understand.
I wish White Castle hamburgers were available nationwide.
White Castle hamburgers are available nationwide. Unfortunately, no other food is. Everyone dies of simultaneous malnutrition, obesity and heart disease.
I wish I had a pony.
You get the Verizon pony.
I wish that girls would stop wishing for ponies.
Girls start wishing for alligators.
I wish E.T. for Atari 2600 had actually been good.
ET was such a great game that everyone agreed there could be no better game so no one ever invented another video game. You are still playing ET, with original Atari graphics, with your grandkids on your 120 inch 4k ultra tv.
I wish this thread would never end because it is so much fun.
And it does. Three hundred years from now, this thread will still be going, still providing fun to the Dopers of those future days. But you won’t be participating. Unlike the Energizer Bunny, you have a limited lifespan, and will only be able to participate for so long.
I wish I had comfortable shoes.
You get deer fur-lined moccasins with arch support and never want to take them off, not even in the shower, because they are so comfortable. Unfortunately, you develop a severe case of diabetes and your feet have to be amputated.
I wish my driveway was repaved.
Your driveway is repaved with good intentions, and now leads directly to hell.
I wish all people lived to be 500 years old.