“Year” has now been redefined as meaning a nanosecond.
I wish Donald J. Trump would go away forever.
Donald J. Trump perishes in a bizarre accident, sparking endless conspiracy mongering among the MAGA faithful and propelling his son Donald Trump, Jr. to a successful White House bid in 2024. He appoints his siblings to key positions of power and effectively ends American democracy.
I wish I wasn’t afraid of spiders.
You are no longer afraid of spiders. The next time you buy bananas, a large spider (Phoneutria nigriventer) jumps out and lands on your shoe. Unfazed, you do not go into uncontrollable spasms that might shake the spider off; instead, you attempt to calmly shake or swat the spider off. You fail. The spider bites you in the leg before crawling away. You instantly feel intense pain and your leg welts up. Within seconds the toxins will reach your heart and induce tachychardia, causing palpatations, light-headedness, severe difficulty breathing (pulmonary edema), an erection, and potentially a heart attack. When the toxin reaches your brain seconds later you will go into convulsions as you lose muscle control. After a few minutes your central nervous system will sucumb to paralysis and you stop breathing entirely.
I wish I had 20/20 vision.
~Max
Improved laser surgery makes glasses and contacts a thing of the past. Unfortunately, the laser burned your tear ducts shut and you have to put drops in your eyes every five minutes, awake or asleep, for the rest of your life.
I wish Unca Cecil were still writing Straight Dope columns.
Cecil Adams is revealed as the “high ranking official” in QAnon. He begins distributing columns again under The Straight Dope, but all are bat-$#!~ crazy conspiracy theories. The SDMB is invaded permanently by MAGAts and SovCits.
I wish my son hadn’t broken the antenna on my van.
Your son remembered to retract the antenna before parking, but forgot to set the parking brake. The van rolled downhill and over a cliff. The only part that was salvageable was the antenna.
I wish I could teleport instantly to anywhere I wanted just by thinking about it.
You can teleport anywhere you think of, and you do teleport every time you think of a place, to your constant chagrin.
I wish I could type special characters without looking at the keyboard.
~Max
You obtain technology that allows you to type any character onscreen with but a flick of your tongue. You have it because you are permanently crippled by the same disease Stephen Hawking had, and that’s the only way you can interact with the outside world.
I wish a sexy babe would come over and clean my house for free.
An amazingly hot young woman comes over to clean your house every day. She has awesome curves, legs that go all the way up and watching her work, damn, the way she moves, is like an endless strip tease. And she is 13, so the most you can do is look, and it causes you to go insane and end up spending the rest of your days in a padded room.
I wish we did not have all the damn street racers in my neighborhood, winding their engines out, getting squirrely at 3am and forcing us to put in those stupid speed bumps.
There are no more damn street racers in your neighborhood. In fact, there are no more streets, and you have to walk everywhere. No more cars, no more deliveries, no more nearby food stores.
I wish night were eight hours long, year-round.
Night is now exactly 8 hours long. Every living thing with a brain has now had their circadian rhythms thrown out of whack and are terribly sleep deprived. So much so that they, and we, have all gone crazy and permanently live in loony bins.
I wish Cool Whip came in more flavors than just Cool Whip flavor.
You get your wish. Cool Whip continues its original flavour, but now also offers Rotting Garbage, Uncleaned Litterbox, and Washed-Up Dead Fish flavours.
I wish I had a bottle of the finest single-malt Scotch.
You now have a bottle of the finest single-malt Scotch. Unfortunately, the available flavors are Toe Jam, Dog Shit, Arsenic and Smegma. Take your pick.
I wish the Cleveland Indians would change their name already.
Some bright marketroid notices “Redskins” is now available for anyone to use…
I wish for a surefire cure for my insomnia with no negative health effects.
Sure, why not? You’re now fully asleep, forever and ever. Until the end of time. You never wake up.
I’d like a box of Cuban cigars.
You get a shipment of Cuban cigars direct from the Castro plantation. You place them in a humidor and get aroused from smelling the tobacco. You then get visits from INS, the FBI, and the Cuban-American Coalition for trading in illegal contraband, and have to spend what little remains of your income on lawyers. Your cigars have been collected for evidence, then remain locked up in a dusty evidence locker until they fall apart and discorporate.
I wish marijuana was legal in my state.
Marijuana is now legal everywhere; Chocolate is now considered a mood-altering narcotic.
I wish my cat would stop clawing my leg.
Your cat starts clawing your face instead.
I wish dogecoin was the primary currency of the planet.
The world switches to dogecoin. A day later a series of massive EMP events render all electronics inoperable for the next two decades.
I wish farts didn’t stink.
Farts no longer stink. But from now on everyone’s breath smells like farts.
I wish all movies and TV were in 3D. No glasses required.