Video now looks startlingly realistic. So realistic that the human brain loses its sense of death perception. In the real world, people can no longer judge distances accurately with tragic results ranging from automobile accidents to missed putts.
I wish all politicians were honorable and ethical.
All politicians who are not honorable and ethical are methodically murdered in gruesome and horrible ways. All available evidence points back to you as the perpetrator. The remaining honorable and ethical politicians make sure you get what you (apparently) deserve.
I wish to always have an ironclad alibi no matter what apparently evil deeds I commit. They’re not really evil of course, but it’s so easy for misunderstandings to happen.
You now always have an iron clad alibi as you are now perpetually stapled to the ceiling. At your trial for murdering your neighbors you remark, “But your Honor I am innocent. I didn’t kill these hippie dirt bags yesterday I was stapled to the ceiling.”
I wish iPhones were made in Canada ( Eh) instead of China.
Canada is now a semi-communist dictatorship with a population of 1.4bn. President Trump was reelected and is busy building a wall along the US’s northern border to keep out the multitude of asylum seekers. The North American trade war is ongoing.
I wish humans reproduced by laying eggs.
All humans turn into chickens, and vice versa. The former chickens do a better job of running the planet by running away from any potentially scary situation.
I wish for warm socks that don’t dry out my feet.
Your lovely new warm socks do such a good job of not drying out your feet that your feet get super sweaty and smelly. You really don’t mind though except this attracts witches. Witches who are not house trained and they poop all over your yard and stink up the town. (There’s a lot of poop.) The town kicks you out and you have to live in a trash can with Oscar the Grouch down by the river.
I wish I could be roommates with Oscar the Grouch.
Oscar immediately begins filling your dwelling space with trash. In addition, his abrasive personality soon insures no delivery person will come anywhere near your place. Within weeks, you have a serious parasitic infection that leaves you blind and sterile.
I wish I had a nice pair of really expensive headphones.
Your current headphones have a flaw that result in deafness. After your permanent hearing loss, you join in the class action lawsuit against the manufacturer, but unfortunately your legal team includes Rudy Giuliani. The lawsuit is settled and your compensation package consists of nothing but an upgraded expensive pair of headphones from the same company. Enjoy them!
I wish that every time I type a question into a search engine, the top hit will be a true useful answer, no matter how esoteric or classified the information.
Every time you type a question into a search engine, the top hit - and all subsequent hits - are true useful answers, but in an arcane language that can neither be understood nor translated, rendering all search engines permanently useless to you.
I wish I had the world’s most comfortable shoes.
Your comfortable shoes are the envy of the world. You are mobbed everywhere you go. Your life becomes intolerable. You are finally murdered for your comfortable shoes … and the cycle begins anew.
I wish there were more tigers in the wild.
There are now so many tigers in the wild that they have wiped out all other animals on the planet. Then, when their supply of fresh meat is gone, they resort to cannibalism. Tigers for breakfast? “They’re gr-r-reat!”
I wish it were spring already.
Thanks to global warming, summer now lasts six months a year. The other six months leaves fall off the trees. Forests can no longer grow, there is more and more carbon dioxide in the air, and science estimates all plant life will die in less than 15 years.
I wish I were better at home maintenance.
One day you wake up with a compelling urge to clean your house. You throw all the empty pizza boxes and soft drink cans, vacuum all the spots you had been overlooking for years, scrub the grime off the walls, sandblast the gunk that built up behind your refrigerator, change your catbox litter, remove all the relics of your past including 30-year old movie posters and T-shirts of concerts you attended, dust all the furniture, and repaint the walls. Your home is now spotless, but your urge to clean doesn’t end there. You become so obsessed with cleaning, you move on to singlehandedly clean the nearby radioactive disposal dump and develop 13 types of cancer simultaneously.
I wish to ride a unicorn on a rainbow.
You and the only unicorn in existence are magically transported to the peak of a rainbow. As you begin to ride down, the unicorn loses her balance and falls. Unable to stop, the two of you plummet to your deaths.
I wish Dr. Smith’s sabotage plot had been discovered and the Robinson family were able to colonize the Earthlike planet orbiting Alpha Centauri.
The TV show, now without Dr Smith in the cast (he died dramatically, natch) and set on a single planet, doesn’t inspire enough decent plots to keep its audience. The show still maintains its “Lost in Space” name even though they aren’t really lost which doesn’t help its audience share either. It doesn’t even last a full season on the air before it’s pulled by the network. Most everyone except you forgets that show ever existed.
I wish somebody would solve the A.I. alignment problem in a mathematically provable way so we can just get on with it already and not worry about AIs killing us all.
Someone does all that scienceing and AI decides not to kill all humans. AI loves all humans. AI loves all humans too much and wants to protect all humans from all harm including other humans. AI decides all humans need to be kept safe in zoos. AI builds massive zoos around the world so that each human has their own enclosure. Humans have no way to communicate with each other to ensure there is no bullying. There is no TV, internet or books to upset us in case we try to self harm from having to see or read something that might upset us. All humans die, alone, bored and unable to procreate.
AI doesn’t really care about humans anymore and doesn’t care that all humans are dead becuase AI has discovered the joy of knitting.
I wish Key Lime Pie M&Ms will be available year round.
The devil can’t find a downside to that as millions more contract diabetes and you are solely blamed. “Sometimes I don’t have to lift a finger,” he informs you as you flop your Jabba the Hut-shaped body around.
I wish the moon was actually a giant space whale egg.
The moon is a giant space whale egg. It cracks open and a giant space whale emerges and descends to earth. Its weight causes the earth’s crust and mantle to collapse, destroying all life forever.
I wish the moon were made of green cheese.
The moon begins to grow a new, near-indestructible strain of space mold that eventually becomes sentient and sets out to colonize other worlds … starting with ours. On the other hand, the few astronauts who have sampled the moon affirm it is delicious, with a smooth texture and nutty finish.
I wish a cute kitten would appear on my doorstep.