the FUCK?!

[Spoons]

@BMalion

Dopers, your little friends are wrong. <snip>

Papa says, “If you see it on the Dope, it’s so.”

(Well done, BMalion!)

[WordMan]

@BMalion

Dopers, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Dopers, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Dopers, there is an umkay, she exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no umkay. It would be as dreary as if there were no Straight Dope. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in umkay! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papas to hire men to watch in all the message boards all over the world to catch umkay, but even if they did not see umkay posting what would that prove? Nobody sees umkay but that is no sign that there is no umkay. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Dopers, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No umkay! Thank God! she lives, and she lives forever. A thousand years from now, Dopers, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, she will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Okay, now you’re freaking me out.

Umkay I appreciate your dilemma. Can I just suggest that you work with a Mod, someone we know and trust, and you can share personal stuff there as much as makes sense and you are okay with, to confirm whatever needs to be confirmed?

Either way, you’re okay umkay - 'kay?

[Toucanna]

@WordMan: Homepage - Freedom Forum

[Bullitt]

WHOA - STOP RIGHT THERE.

I don’t want to project onto umkay what she should and shouldn’t verify, but, well, I will do just that because for me I will accept umkay at face value per her posts, and do not need any independent verification of her existence by any mods, just like I don’t need that from WordMan or any other Doper here.

I’ll believe what I choose to believe, based on the information available to me. As should we all. My being a Doper here doesn’t obligate me to flash my ID to y’all to validate my existence.

umkay, you still rock and even though I’m old enough to be your Dad and I’m happily married, from what little I’ve learned of you through your posts, your honesty, wit and wisdom, I’m definitely crushing on you. Keep it up, girl, and maintain your privacy as you see fit, not as anyone else here sees fit.

[Ambivalid]

@wordman

okay, now you’re freaking me out.

lmfao. :d

[TubaDiva]

@rocking_chair

i agree bricker, a.d. can lead to stroke can lead to death. when i saw the post by not okay, i thought perhaps that is what happened.

i’m very glad to hear that you have sorted out the reason for the a.d. going off. and that is is ulcers, and not death!

not that i anticipate anything happening in the near future… but i do have in my emergency folder to contact tuba diva or twickster in a final event. that way info comes from a trusted source.

That is a good idea.

By any chance are we also mentioned in your will? Is it too late to say dibs on your stereo?

I recommend all of you take these vital steps. Especially that last one.

[BMalion]

@Ambivalid

lmfao. :d

?

[WordMan]

@Toucanna

@WordMan: Homepage - Freedom Forum

I knew that.

Crap.

[Ambivalid]

@BMalion

?

It wasn’t directed towards your post. I’m sorry if you took it that way. It was just the way it sounded. It made me laugh.

[Zebra]

I accept her at face value.

I’ve seen “characters” who come to a message board and make a big splash and then die suddenly but, BUT, they never come back to life. Never. So I believe the stuff she posts.

[BMalion]

@Ambivalid

It wasn’t directed towards your post. I’m sorry if you took it that way. It was just the way it sounded. It made me laugh.

But what does it mean?

That’s all I meant.

[Mighty_Girl]

@twickster

New user, please.

What, you are going to ban the dead guy?

Umkay, how do you like fjords?

I am very glad to hear that you are OK. For the record two real life friends post here, perhaps we should start a “USER X is authorized to make announcements about my death / sudden disappearance while circumnavigating earth in an old airplane / winning the lottery and say ‘fuck you all’”.

[Guinastasia]

@BMalion

But what does it mean?

That’s all I meant.

Laughing My Ass Off.

[Morgyn]

@BMalion

But what does it mean?

That’s all I meant.

The polite version: Laughing My Fat Ass Off

[BMalion]

Thank you

[Celyn]

@umkay

…I have really enjoyed my time here on the Dope…

Oy! Get rid of that past tense, young lady! You are back on the Dope and never left.

@umkay

…My first impulse is to share more personal info or a picture, to prove I am who I say I am…

No, don’t.

@umkay

but this is a stranger who just faked my death on an internet forum and I’m having a very hard time figuring out why).

Sheer evil nastiness, I suppose. As for why, perhaps because you are (yeah, I know it’s a short time) much appreciated and valued. Some vile lowlife wants attention.

@umkay

So my solution is to maintain my boundaries for the time being.

You should absolutely do that. And it might be more important now than before. Anyway, most people don’t use real names. When I bother to look, I realise that I am not really a holly bush.

@umkay

One last thing, I beg: Maybe just think a little bit about the weirdness of NotOkay. …

All I think about THAT creature is unprintable.

I am very very glad it was all wrong and that you are back. I had never posted in your “Ask the” thread but did read it, thinking of people who are just about to need wheelchair. But although education might have been the *first *motivation, I do like your writing style, and just style in general.

I don’t know if you like Terry Pratchett’s books, but you could well adopt Granny Weatherwax’s “I Aten’t Dead” as a motto.

[Celyn]

That would be “your style in general”. I hit ‘submit’ instead of preview and made a mess.

[Ambivalid]

@BMalion

But what does it mean?

That’s all I meant.

Ohhh, haaa! “Laughing my fucking ass off” (lmfao). And that was supposed to be a big grin emoticon right next to it. For some reason it didn’t post.

[Tangent]

I, for one, welcome our new quadriplegic zombie overlord.

[simster]

@umkay

I just want to say, to all the folks who became uneasy about my whole persona due to the malevolent NotOkay–I appreciate and understand your skepticism. I am, by nature, not someone who takes a whole lot at face value; if the same thing had happened to someone other than myself, I would totally be in the “this whole thing is bullsh*t” camp. I don’t blame you for feeling like something is rotten in Denmark. (Aaaaaand, I can also appreciate that this is precisely the kind of thing someone who was living a double Internet life would say to keep you all off the scent. I feel like I can’t win here).

So, it does bum me out. I have really enjoyed my time here on the Dope, and it makes me a little sick to think that many of the posters whom I’ve enjoyed now view me as a bit of a cipher. :0/ I’ve had some really nice positive responses to my presence here, but I’ve also had some truly bizarre run-ins, this latest one being the most disturbing. My first impulse is to share more personal info or a picture, to prove I am who I say I am. But my second impulse (and the advice I’ve been given by several concerned posters through PMs) is that this is precisely the time when that would be unwise. I probably need less personal info out there, not more. (And it has occurred to me to wonder whether NotOkay’s purpose in the whole hoax was to force my hand and draw me out even further. I know that that sounds like spy movie nonsense, but this is a stranger who just faked my death on an internet forum and I’m having a very hard time figuring out why).

So my solution is to maintain my boundaries for the time being. None of you can be sure of who I am and what my motives are, and I’m sure this produces some discomfort; but please remember that I am in the same position with regards to you. And yet, I like to think that doesn’t have to be the death knell of us enjoying one another’s presence on the Dope. I wouldn’t dream of asking any of you for anything beyond your Humble Opinions, so there’s really nothing for you to lose. And I’m up for the challenge of earning your trust over (hopefully) a long, consistent, and honest career here at the Straight Dope.

One last thing, I beg: Maybe just think a little bit about the weirdness of NotOkay. Even if I were just a total liar and a con artist, who is playing some sicko game with strangers online, you can’t deny that I (umkay) am also really smart. And I would seem to be enjoying this game, “winning” if my intention is to get a lot of positive attention. So 1) why would I end it so soon? And 2) why would I have chosen such a callous sn, an inconsistency with things I’d previously said in the thread (like, that my brothers didn’t know about the Dope), and such odd phrasing to pass on the “news?” Many bullsh*t meters went off at that, for good reason. You don’t really think I, who have allegedly constructed this exquisitely realistic and detailed fiction (with all the crazy quadriplegic speciality info), would go out with such a dumb little whimper, do you? I hope you’ll think about that, and that it will make as little sense to you as it does to me…

Umkay,
I had not participated in the previous post - but I did read it religously - IF you were an internet fake/hoax, you were the best one yet.

Fact is - I fell for the notOkay hoax simply because you had previously mentioned being out with a life threatening complications that were still being figured out - so I was worried when you hadn’t responded to the main thread in a few days.

Never did I consider your original thread or any of your other postings a hoax or faked - they were too consistent and the voice/facts stated within them were all too clear that you are who you say you are with the life experiences you’ve stated.

Basically, don’t let the few that suddenly question that to cloud your judgement - you’re voice (funny how a post can have a voice, but I assure you it does) is now a part of these boards and I would hate to see it go.

You have every right of course to decide otherwise - but you have nothing to ‘prove’ here - just be yourself and try not to let the words of a few turn you off to it.

• sim