The funniest off the cuff remark you've ever said

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Mr. S and I were at Fleet Farm (as you frequently are when you’re building a house) and he wanted to choose a piece of trim wood for some project. He’s pretty picky and it takes him a while to find one that’s just right – smooth, straight, no knots, good grain, etc. – so to avoid boredom I wandered off to look at something else. When I wandered back, he was just coming out of the aisle with his treasure.

“Found one,” he said.

“Yes, I know,” I replied sweetly. “I saw the puff of white smoke.”

This one’s on Mr. S. We were camping with a good friend and her two daughters. The older one was maybe 14 at the time, cute, petite and, er, well-developed. She had been getting quite a bit of attention from a group of teenage boys; they had even invited her to join them at their campfire later. She wasn’t interested, but we were teasing her about it: “Say, you should go over there, you could toast your buns,” etc. Not in a mean way, she knew we were totally bullshitting her, and she can give as good as she gets. So we suggested that maybe she should put on her bathing suit and saunter past their site.

“No, it’s too cold for that,” she answered.

Mr. S, with a wink: “All the better.”

We all laughed our asses off. Later he told me he felt bad because, after all, that was actually a pretty inapppropriate thing for a 40-some-year-old man to say to someone’s 14-year-old daughter. But as I said, we’re all pretty cool about smutty humor, and the pure outrageousness was what made it so funny.

Amoco clerk to Mr. S, who was buying three packs of Rolaids: “Do you have gas?”

42

**Where Shirley Tells Her Joke That Took Place At A Sex Toy Party **

The Anal Butt Beads* were being passed around to all the tittering and giggling SAHM’s. No one really knows what these things *are *.

The Sex Toy Lady Person (a riot, but in a dignified way) tells us sheltered women that some people enjoy using them anally.

One mom said rather mystified, " What if your husband fell asleep with *this * ummmm…still in him?"

I shot back, putting my foot out, using a yanking motion with my hand, " *This * rip ! is what you get for hitting the snooze alarm one time to many. Oversleep, my ass!"

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house for a good five minutes.

(* Go google it yourself, you know you want to.)

43

This has nothing to do with Enema’s.

44

I have a huge garden in the summer. My soil is depleted of nutrients and I need manure. Free manure would be best.

One of the mom’s at our preschool has several horses and cows.
As it is so busy when we are dropping off our children, I always forget to ask her if I get some manure off of her.

I’ve been meaning to ask for six months.

So, just the other day, we were briefly chatting about something non-relavent. and I just blurted out, " Hey, can I have some of your cow poo?"

Everyone laughed about how totally unrelated it was to what we were talking about and we all chimed in about, " Well , we gotta say it when we think of it because in a second it’s forgotten."

I shot back, " Yeah, it’s got a formal name, blurting out whatever pops into your mind, it’s called: Mommy Tourette’s."

45

We were eating in the Dorm Cafeteria when one of the floormates sits down. He’s telling us about the GREAT date he had with this girl he’s been agonising over for a month or so. Not only was he bashful, he’s a little naive too.

So my roomate says, “So, dija pork er?”

He sarts to blush and the other guys we were with start laughing and I say:

“You know, the other OTHER white meat!”

46

The other day I was sitting in a co-workers office talking about different ways to cook a chicken. She mentioned placing the chicken on top of a half full beer can and cooking it on the grill. I mentioned something about needing a topless grill for that… to which she replied…

“Grills Gone Wild - Chicken Style”

47

I was taking an introduction to stage lighting course in college, and the prof was a great guy, but kind of a smart-ass. A rather small student asked a rather dumb question, and he replied with one of his own, “Well, what do you think would happen if you grabbed an exposed wire?”

Me: “There’d be a short circuit!”

The prof said I was right, thought about it, and laughed for the rest of the class.

48

Hubby and I were in the grocery store, perusing the variety of cooking oils. He picks up a bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Being a smart-ass, he says “I wonder how they know the olives are virgins?” Proving I’m a bigger smart-ass, I reply “They still have their pimentos!”

He laughed so hard everyone in the aisle stopped to stare at him.

49

IT/Internet related humor: While working as Network Managment for a large IT corporation Bell South reported that a MAJOR circuit outage was due to an Ice Cream truck that ran into a telephone pole.

off the cuff I said:
“Must have been a rocky road.”
Worked construction during summer time and once saw this transpire during a lunch break: A woman that worked on the crew tossed a cup of ice cold water at another laborer.

guy: “OWE, you made it draw up 2 inches”
girl: “What did it do, leave a scar?”

50

I have a younger sister who was blessed with bright blue eyes, long eyelashes, naturally curly blonde hair and an actual honest-to-goodness traffic-stopping bosom. I look like Janet from Three’s Company, and sometimes I can’t tell if my bra is on backwards or not. So my sister and I were exchanging good-natured insults one day, just giving one another grief in the time-honored tradition of sisters throughout time. She called me short, I called her a dumb blonde, she called me old, I called her stupid, and so on. Finally, she delivered her parting shot: “Well, at least I have boobs!”

I replied, “I don’t NEED boobs. I have a personality!”

Same mock argument, several years later, same parting shot from my sister, the slow-learner.

This time I replied, “I thought those were called ‘boyfriends’?”

51

Well,

I was working at a computer company doing phone support, both tech and billing. I got a call from a very angry man. He was angry, wanted a refund and was screaming at me. The issue was that his computer crashed[#1] and he blaimed my companies software for crashing it.

I let him vent. In fact as soon as he started screaming I hit the mute button on my phone and just let the guy rant. He went on screaming and cussing for a couple of minutes and I didn’t say a word. Finally, the guy calmed down a bit. I still didn’t say anything. Then the guy asked “Hey, are you there?”. I waited a beat then unmuted the phone and said “I’m sorry sir, I seem to be having a phone problem. I just got the headset working again. I didn’t hear what you said. I’m sorry but could you repeat yourself?” The guy screamed into the phone and hung up.

My boss had her office right next to my desk. As soon as the guy hung up I heard gales of laughter from my bosses office. It turned out the she was monitoring my call. My boss, Phyllis, told me that it was the funniest thing she had heard in a long time.

Slee

#1. This guys computer was just trashed. It wasn’t the software.

52

I was at a pool party once and they had some inflatable toys. One was a big Goodyear blimp. At one point a friend grabbed it and started beating me with it.

I protested, “That’s assault with a deadly zeppelin!”

53

I was working as an editor for a banking publication. We had a short article about a legal decision on whether or not savings and loans and credit unions could offer banking services so long as they didn’t identify themselves as banks, known as “nonbank banks.” My suggestion for a headline:

No nonbank banks
Says says judge judge

My son also came up with a doozy at the age of 8. Our family was eating at Red Lobster. The waitress had been complaining to her manager about a customer who’d stiffed her on her meal – she’d gotten up from her table as if to visit the restroom, and instead left the restaurant. Everybody in the room heard about it. A few minutes later, son asks if he can go to the bathroom. Sure, we said, mindful of the alternative. He walked a few feet away from us, then turned and said, “Suckers!”

54

There are a lot of great stories in here…and I am going to read them all before I post my own.

But I just had to take a moment to give props to this one. I have read anything quite this funny in quite a long time. My girlfriend in the next room had to come and see what all the ruckus was about. I don’t think she gets it.

55

I worked at the front desk of a clinic, and a lawyer came in to serve a subpoena. We were told in advance this guy was coming by the person being subpoena’ed, and we were to get him to come back later. This was not what the guy wanted to hear. He went off on us, saying how wrong it was for us not to drag our boss downstairs to be served by him. He was making a scene in the waiting room, making a real ass out of himself. Finally, he said, “I am so pissed off!”

I responded, “Well, better pissed off than pissed on, right?”

Everyone in the waiting room cracked up, he got very red in the face, and I got off with a wink and a warning.

This one isn’t as funny, but in college, I was standing on the front steps of my dorm smoking a cigarette with my friends at about 2am when some drunk frat guys stumbled out the front doors carrying one of our dorm’s Persian rugs. I told the guys, in my best Clint Eastwood voice, to drop the rug and identify themselves. They dropped it, and one guy turned around and called me a cunt. My response?

“A cunt?!? You wouldn’t know a cunt if one fell on your head!”

Yes, it’s nonsensical, and it puzzled hell out of the drunk guys so they wandered off without the rug. For a while after that I was called Queen of the Descending Orificies.

56

Example one:
My father and I were watching a documentary about cars and the marketing of them. They showed an old ad from the 50’s featuring a woman in a bathing suit lounging against a model of car.

Papa KCSuze: My father always wanted one of those.

Me: A woman?
I felt bad even as I was saying it, seeing as my grandfather died when I was a baby, but my father thought it was hilarious.
Example Two:

My brother’s friend was telling me about an embarassing moment he had in Spanish class. He meant to translate the line as “He evaded me,” but accidentally said aloud in class, “He invaded me.” The class had laughed at his mistake, as did I when he told me about it.

Friend: C’mon, that moment was very painful for me.

Me: I’ll bet it was painful! Being invaded with no lube, even!

57

A pregnant friend was teasing me one day, and I said, “You do realize you can also get knocked DOWN, right?”

58

Bahahahaha! :highfive: :smiley:

So…are you still married?

59

I tend to make a lot of off-the-cuff marks because I tend to play word association outloud when it is my turn in the conversation to talk. These word associations are not always pleasant…they have gotten me in a lot of trouble.

The first is one that happened today. It is typical at work to offer smokes to co-workers as a way of saying “thanks”. I had just finished helping someone move a rather large generator from the garage to his truck. He was grateful for the help as the thing was heavy…and it was needed right now.

Being as how he had saved about five minutes with my help, he offered me a cigarette. Then he stopped mid offer while stating, “That’s right…you don’t smoke, do you?”

I responded, “Only when I’m on fire” without really thinking…another word association gaff. I wish others could have heard it.

My best one, though, was quite by accident. No word association was involved. My best friend has a son who was 12 years old at the time. He has had a strong rash of medical problems throughout his life…he broke his femur at age 8…he succussfully battled cancer at age 10. The kid is very resilient, but every time he finally gets done with medical treatment, something else happens. I visited my buddy one day only to find out his son was in the hospital again. He was going to stay the night for surgery the next morning. After inquiry, I was informed that he had some sort of testicular disorder. The doctors were going to remove one of his “nuts” the next day.

Of course, I cringed at the horror. I responded, “Wow…poor kid. First, he breaks his leg in a place that is almost impossible to heal, then he has to endure a year and a half of cancer treatment. Now this? Boy…tell him I said ‘hang in there’.”

My buddy started, “I’ll let him know…” before his wife interupted him with an uproarious shreik. My buddy turned with a quizzed look on his face for a full three seconds before he, too, erupted in laughter.

I had to wait for them to calm down to explain my joke.

60

Not my best, but the most recent (and, therefore, the only one I can remember). One of my coworkers, who is taking Music Theory classes, was telling us about an upcoming test he had to go home and study for. The test was on Medieval musical notation, and he was saying how difficult a subject it was. My response was “So, I guess you better study hard or that test is gonna go Medieval on your ass.”