Back in the good old days of the internet bubble, my company was having a retreat at a resort/conference center. At one meeting we were all sitting around large tables listing to some goober up on stage try to motivate us. On each table was a bowl of “Jolly Rancher” hard candies.
In a moment of boredom I wrote on a piece of note paper, “What makes the Rancher so Jolly?”
I folded the paper and casually handed it to the person next to me and motioned for them to pass it on. They did, and it continued to be passed around the room.
A few mintues later the note made it back round to me and when I unfolded the paper I had my answer.
Q: What makes the Rancher so Jolly?
A: You would be too if someone was sucking on you all day.
A very good friend of mine was telling me about an ex-boyfriend of hers who she thinks may be a closet gay man. I inquired as to what made her believe this, to which she said, “I’m just saying that he has gay tendencies.” My immediate response? “What, like fucking guys?”
I was in a similar situation, ripping apart a loaf of very hard-crusted bread in a restaurent and remarked “Why do I suddenly feel like Jesus.” My niece the religious freak gave me a five minute lecture on my blasphemy.
A group of us are standing around waiting to start work, and the only girl in the group is in back of me, opening a pack of peanut snacks. After opening them, she offers them to the rest of us, saying, “Peanuts?”
My back was turned to her, I knew she was offering peanuts, but I pretended to mis-hear her, and said, “No thanks, I already got one.”
Everyone was kind of afraid to laugh at the time, but it became hilarious later.
Guy I know is getting a vasectomy and is lying on a table with his privates exposed and the doctor getting ready to inject his scrotum with anesthetic.
Doc: There’ll be a little prick…
Friend: It wouldn’t be so little if it wasn’t so freakin’ cold in here.
A group of friends and I were sitting around watching some movie (can’t remember what it was), and there was this scene where a creepy lake had a misty, foggy atmosphere hovering about it. One of the girls asked “Why is the water smoking?”, and a buddy of mine quickly responded: “Peer Pressure”.
Me (falling back on a tired cliche’ to explain why I don’t go to the beach to a work colleague - a very cute woman): “My skin is like a fine wine: it’s either white or red.”
Cute Work Colleague: “Ah, but does it age well?”
Me (spontaneously): “Only if it is kept on its side with a wet cork.”
CWC: :eek:
Story #2 (from the Bad Pun category)
At the dentist at 8am getting a filling. The air is filled with the acrid scent of the dentist drilling my tooth.
There is a small break while said dentist does something - maybe changing drill bits or something. I use this pause as an opportunity to offer this observation:
[Me as Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now]
“I love the smell of burnt enamel in the morning…it smells like…Cavity!”
[/M.A.R.D.I.A.N.]
Dentist, reaching forward with drill and dental tool: “open”
I was 14. We were on vacation in Colorado on a tour bus going up to the top of Pike’s Peak. The road to the top turns into a 1 lane dirt road. As we are going around one of the switchbacks, another car is coming down, so the bus pulls over to the side of the switchback closest to the edge of the cliff. Needless to say, everyone on the bus was very nervous about this, eventhough the tour guide has done this many times. He responds with some humor by saying, “Hey, I’m being courteous. I pulled off to the side of the road.” Without missing a beat I responded for all to hear, “Yeah… the WRONG side!”
Another one here:
My girlfriend and I were pulling into a parking spot at a restaurant. I had not pulled in quite straight. She made a comment on how the car was crooked in the parking spot and then asked why it would just leave it that way. I said, "Well, I have this medical condition that keeps me from lining up cars straight, called ‘Parkinson’s Disease’. She laughed so hard.
Just last month, my wife was trying to tell my oldest son to do something (I don’t remember what). He kept intentionally responding with, “What?”, so she was repeating this like 3 or 4 times. She finally got frustrated with this and said to me, “Why does he do that?”. One beat later I said, “What?”. She hit me really hard after that.
Too many to remeber right now, but here are a couple:
#1: I’m dating a new guy (not now, unfortunately; about a year and a half ago) after a long period of non-dating and an even longer (4+ years) preceding period of relationship Hell dating a complete asshole, and am blissfully happy. You know how it can be in the beginning: don’t want to sleep or eat, walk around with shit-faced grin all the time. I’m hanging out with a my good buddy, and he asks me how things are going.
“It’s great,” I say. “I’m not hungry, I’ve lost 10 pounds in the past month, and I’m getting into pants I haven’t gotten into in years.”
#2: about 10 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. (They caught it very early, and he’s fine now.) His situation was difficult to read, as he was in a really bad car accident before I was born, and has a lot of scar tissue in the pelvic region, so it was hard for the docs to interpret the exam.
Dad spent months flying all over the East Coast seeing specialists, and apparently there was no consensus about the proper course of treatment. I was talking to him one day asking if he’d made a decision yet: was it going to be surgery? chemo? radiation? He said, “I don’t know, but I know I have to make a decision at some point. I just feel like it’s really hanging over me.”
“Well, Dad,” I said, “actually, I think it’s hanging under you.”
While walking along the isle in a movie theatre one evening, I happened to stumble and spill some popcorn beside the person in the row ahead us us, narrowly missing their head.
This isn’t a remark, but my friends still talk about it to this day.
Three years ago I was working at a Michigan State Park selling entrance permits. This car full of kids pulls up and one of them thought he would be funny and give me a hundred dollar bill to pay for the four dollar day pass
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He didn’t think the ninety-six ones that I gave him as change was very funny, but everyone else did
My 7-year-old daughter & I were helping a notoriously lazy cousin with his vegetable garden (which he really needed for food.) After pulling a weed or two & kicking a rock, he sat down under a tree & remarked, “Hard work never hurt anyone.”
My daughter, all adorable innocence, asked, “How would you know?”
Back in my college days some friends and I were at a bar (big surprise). We had been there for a few hours and were quite drunk. Some girls we knew came over to talk to us. One of them (I’ll call her Tracy) was attracted to me, but the feeling was not mutual. She asked how I was and the conversation went like this:
Tracy: So how are you?
Me: I am soooo drunk!
Tracy (with a certain gleam in her eye): Oh really?
Me: Well, I’m not that drunk!
My friends thought it was funny but she didn’t. I never saw her after that night.
[During a Clinton State of the Union speech around the time the Lewinsky Affair (so to speak) slurped onto the front pages. The esteemed President had just said something about “raising expectations” or something.]
I’ve remembered another. I was talking to my father, who had just had work done on his car. Apparently, his transmission was having minor difficulties and he needed to have the information on the computer chip upgraded. When he told me this, I started laughing. When he asked why, my response was, “Dad, don’t you see? You just needed to have the driver updated!”
My friend Charlie is a good pool shot. We play after work at a beer-only, smallish neighborhood kind of bar. On Fridays the list of people challenging on the chalkboard tends to get long since there is only one table. You tend to get up your best game if losing entails sitting out for 45 minutes.
So, I break and get a good run down to the eight, but with a tough shot on the black that I miss. Charlie, with nothing but shots all around him, goes wild and runs down to the eight with a nice, easy shot. Inexplicably, but to my delight, he screws the shot.
MM: “Gee, I always knew your name was Charles but I never knew your first name was Ray.”
