The funniest off the cuff remark you've ever said

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

My boyfriend and I had just gone through a local drive-through for milkshakes, where an ex-boyfriend of mine worked. My ex joked around with us at the drive-through, and randomly gave us a cup of cherries with our order. We rolled our eyes, thanked him and went on our way.

We were driving down the road when my boyfriend shakes his head, laughs and suddenly says, “God, why do all your ex-boyfriends have to be so shitty?”

My jaw dropped. “Well, I guess I just have shitty taste,” I retorted defensively. Then I thought about it, and laughed.

Boyfriend’s jaw clenched. He didn’t find it amusing, apparently.

82

I just wanted to say that I really like this thread. It is the perfect antedote for the news outside.

83

This is the first SDMB thread that’s made me laugh out loud in a long time. I’ve got a whole bunch of these saved up in my head for later use! :smiley:

The earlier Clinton joke reminded me of this one:

My Friend’s Mom (watching the news): “Why would the National Organization of Women stand behind Bill Clinton?”

My Friend: Because they don’t want Bill Clinton standing behind them?

The only one I’ve said that I can think of right now is this one. Picture three girls sitting side by side in a movie theater; I’m on the end of the row, and the conversation went from one end of the row to the other. We’re watching the pre-preview commercials, and the old Britney Spears Pepsi ad, with her dancing in front of a giant illuminated Pepsi sign, comes on.

Girl #1: Can you believe she’s our age?

Girl #2: Can you believe she’s from this planet?

Me: Parts of her aren’t.

84

Saturday is always a busy day at my old boss’ comic shop (don’t ask why I left, I still regret it.) Lately he’s been moving most of his inventory (old stock and such) on Beckett.com and eBay to free up storage space. I decided to take over the counter for him while he was taking care of some bulk uploads.

Now the kids have a tendency to drop their stuff behind the counter, which is blocked by a babygate to keep people out. They don’t ask, just lean over and chuck stuff behind the counter. Boss don’t mind, so I don’t make a fuss.

Now this one kid who had been driving the boss to madness comes up and says he wants to put his GameBoy Advance behind the counter. The problem is, anyone will be able to see it and I had just told him we won’t be responsible for it.

He insists on coming behind the counter and hiding it somewhere because he knows someone will try to steal it. The conversation went pretty much as followed:

Me: If you don’t want it stolen, don’t put it down.
Him: I don’t want to hold it…
Me: Put it in your pocket.
Him: It won’t fi–
(looking at his sweatshirt)
Me: It’ll fit in those pockets.
Him: It’ll fall out if I run.
Me: Then don’t run.

Then the kid said prehaps the dumbest following statement. “Everything in life has its price.”
“…And apparently your parents thought the condem was too damned expensive.”

The kid tucked tail and left. Shame, too. I wanted a GameBoy. :wink:

85

Almost forgot about this one…

My friends and I were out at Applebees. One friend had brought his two children with him. The kids were ordering when the little girl had a question.

Girl: “How do they make chicken fingers, anyway?”
Me: “There’s a chicken in the back with his wing strapped to the table screaming ‘I’ll get you the money! I’ll get you the money!’”

Surprisingly, the kids got it.

86

Preface: At this particular establishment, I was well known for the silver flute which I would play for the bank employees and during the walk to and from my house.

Me: I’d like to deposit this check.

Teller: Oh, it’s you Mr. Zenster. Where’s your thingie? (Lamely trying to mention my flute.)

Me: (Providing my best Monty Python “Lifeboat Sketch*” impression.) That’s a rather personal question …

Teller: (Colouring up brighter than a dozen beets in a stew.) "… er … (gasp) … homina homina … (hiccough) … I mean …

Me: (Letting her twist gently in the breeze for a few brief moments … ) Oh … do you mean the flute?

Teller: (Gratefully losing colour.) Yes, that’s what I meant!

  • Lifeboat Sketch:

[Wind and waves lapping upon the lifeboat.]

First Mate: How long is it, sir?

Captain: That’s a rather personal question!

[/Wind and waves lapping upon the lifeboat.]

87

The following transpired about 10 yrs ago. I was an industrial field inspector and aspiring draftsman.

My (former) boss informs me and the rest of the field crew that we have to stay late (on friday) to move our drafting tables and reference drawings to next floor. Mandatory,… off the clock. It’s at least 2 hrs of hard work, and heavy lifting. BTW, The boss is a real jerk and not well liked.

While helping to move the items thru a narrow doorway my right index finger is crushed flat from the first knuckle to the tip of my fingernail. The fingernail is turned 90 degrees and shoved down inside my finger next to the bone. The BONE is sticking thru my banana peeled finger and looks similar to a well chewed, soggy, splintered, toothpic. Oh, and quite bloody too.

I am rushed to the emergency room. Laying there with no pain killers for about 45 minutes waiting for a hand specialist, my boss shows up with his smug “I’m the greatest boss in the world, I’m concerned about my employees look”. He sits down next to my bed, looks at the white cloth laying over my hand and says,

“Can I see it?”

I carefully pull back the covering. He looks it over as if he has his medical degree.

(here is the good part)

Boss: “hmmm, Oh, they can save that…”

Me: (in a very pissed, angry tone) “yeah, …in a jar!”

Boss turns completely white, looks as if he will puke, then for the first time ever he is speechless. He silently leaves the room with his tail between his legs.

After all was said and done (6 weeks later), my finger was alive and it sort of even works now.

----let me know if you like that one. I’ve got a few more if you wish.

88

Oh my GAWD, drafty_de. That may be the first time I actually gagged at reading an injury description.

Ugh. I’m still gagging. Poor you!

89

Last year, there was a girl in a couple of my classes. In my math class, I ended up at a table with her and two other girls. This girl is sweet and nice and all that, but seems to have her head up in the clouds much of the time. She had recently gotten a new boyfriend, whose name was Adam (the name really makes it work, and how many Adams are there?). In this math class, she spent a lot of time talking to the other girls at the table about how she had visited him last weekend and how wonderful and awesome and sweet he was. Kinda cute, but it was beginning to get a little old.

Finally, one day, in the other class we were in, the class was discussing something or other, and Head-In-Clouds Girl was off somewhere in her universe. The teacher mentioned something to do with Latin; maybe the origin of a word. Somehow, HIC Girl heard “Latin” and made her own connection.

“Adam takes Latin,” she announced brightly.

<pause>

“Oh my God, did I say that out loud?”

It was too much. Practically before I had realized it, the words were out of my mouth: “I wish Adam were my boyfriend,” I said in a stage mutter.

The guys at my end of the table just broke up laughing. The poor girl thought I hated her at this point; this was not the only remark she had inspired, it was simply the funniest (and most public). I didn’t really hate her, she just made these things far too easy. I had a hard time restraining my sarcasm around her.

On a more juvenile note, there’s the one my then-friend Mike pulled in sixth grade. As you may recall, sixth-graders are pretty crude and, well, juvenile. The class asshat, a kid named Jake, says to Mike in music class “Hey, did you get that teeny-tiny itty-bitty condom in the mail yet?” (remember, these are sixth-graders!).

Now, you have to understand, Mike was none too bright at the best of times. He just was not quick-witted. But, bless 'im, just this once, in his greatest moment of triumph, without missing a beat he replied:

“What, the one you wanted?”

Jake was completely, utterly defeated. And there was much rejoicing.

Even so, I prefer “I wish Adam were my boyfriend.” You had to hear the tone to fully appreciate the impact it had…

90

When I was fourteen, one evening it was just me and the parents watching TV in the family room. They were discussing a book my dad was reading, a biography of Nixon. Seems like Nixon had been carrying on an affair with a Chinese woman. I had only been partially listening to the conversation, but when my dad mentioned that, I quipped, “No wonder they called him Tricky Dick.” It was the first time I ever let an overtly sexual comment slip in front of my parents. I thought I was dead. I even hid behind a pillow for a moment, but when I brought it down, I found that both of my parents were twitching with laughter.

Another time, while I worked tech support in Dallas, a group of friends and I were headed out the door on our way to lunch, and one of my friends was telling us of a new type of computer chip that used bipolar logic. “Gee, does it need a lithium battery?” I asked.

The best one I know of though happened to my mom; she was on the receiving end. We were going grocery shopping, and she’d handed my brothers and I parts of the list so we could get in and out quickly. While we were looking for our items, she was searching the store for african violet plant food. She was so wrapped up in her search that she rounded a corner without looking up and walked right into a very tall black man. To this day, she swears he must have been playing for the Spurs. Startled, she stammered, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know where the violent african food is?” The man thought about it for a moment and said, “Hmmmm, Watusi or Zulu?”

91

I got away with alot of smartass remarks when I was in retail…I guess I just have that “cute-smirky” attitude, but, there were several times that I probably went too far.

There were two of us at the customer service desk in our store, and it was slow, so we were just leaning and talking. There had been a bird flying around our store for the last couple of days, and it kept flying back and forth past our desk.
These two 14 year old VERY STONED boys were walking by, and we watched as the bird flew by them twice. They just stopped and stared…and stared…and stared.
Then, one of the boys came up to us and said " Uh…did you guy’s know that there is like…a bird in your store???"
My co-worker said “Yah, we know” The kid just said " WOW" and started shuffling back to his buddy, and I hollered out "BAD DAY TO GIVE UP HEROIN, HUH? " The looks on their faces were priceless.

Another time…busy Saturday, big lines at our Return desk. I would tend to look ahead at the people to see if I could grab smokes or lotto tickets while my customer filled out the form.
I saw this one guy and his daughter about 10 customers back, he had an upright vaccumm cleaner he was pushing in front of him.
As I helped the people before him, I watched him reading our Return Policy posted , and, he looked rather puzzled. (The sign stated that shoes and photo electronic items needed to be returned in those departments)
He finally made it to my window and asked me: “Ummm…do I return this to the Electronics department???”
I said “Well…when you plug it in, do ya hear music?”
He said “Ummm no…”
I said " Then you may return it here!"
Luckily he had a sense of humor!!!

92

Thanks Shirley.

One from my youth:

In 7th grade math class Mrs. Baldwin told the class that there was such a thing as baldwin apples (what the context was and what that had to do with math I don’t know) and due to my sucky impulse control out pops

“yea and when you squeeze em you get prune juice”

Kinda lame now, but to a bunch of twelve year olds it was high comedy.
Earned me a trip to the office too.

93

When I was a very young man, I went to visit a friend who was in the military stationed at Ft. Bliss, Texas. We went to a decidedly seedy strip club for beers on Friday night. It was the kind of place that is only found just outside of large military installations. If you have been to one, you know what I mean.

Needless to say, the entertainment was enertaining, although somwhat less than desirable. In between “dances,” the ladies would cruise around the bar soliciting “special dances” from the patrons. Eventually, one of the ladies made her way over to where I was sitting.

“Howdy, soldier boy.”

“Howdy ma’am. Do you need something?”

(in her most seductive voice) “Well, I need 20 dollars. What do you need?”

::takes a long drink::

“I think I need to keep my 20 dollars.”

::slap::

94

This was rather hillarious at the time, from the mouth of my mum. My mum, two of her isters, and myself were out shopping, when we went into Selfridge’s Food Hall. There was a section doing Indian food, towhich one of my aunts commented that the food looked good. My other aunt asked “Yes, but is it halal?”, to which I replied “You could ask the chef.” My mum replied to that with “Yes, but will the chef be halal?”

95

My brother (Tom) and I were playing pool one night. 8-ball was the game. I think there was beer involved too. It was his turn, and he didn’t remember if he was shooting at big numbers or little numbers.

Tom: “Bob, what am I?”

Bob: “Tom, you’re an asshole.”

96

I’m on this listserv which discusses politics, and there’s been a great deal of heated dialogue about the war, and the presidency, etc.
So, one person sends an email calling for people to stop using derogatory insults, saying in part “I know that some people think that GW Bush has the ethical and intellectual abilities of Boss Hogg, and the greed and scruples of JR Ewing, but can’t we agree that this isn’t true?”

Bush joke ahead
So I can’t resist, and I reply-

“Of course we can agree to that- the guy who played Boss Hogg got into Yale on his own merit.” (Sorrell Booke is a grad of Yale Drama School).

One of my finer moments…

97

**Halal? **:confused:

98

I was working the reference desk at a public library and every once in a while you get these phone calls where some wise ass thinks he can play shock the librarian:

WA: Hey, do you have books about masterbation?
ME: Do you want a history of, or a how to?

He hung up after that.

99

About seven or eight years ago, I worked for a subcontractor located inside a BMW plant. I was outside smoking one day, on break with the rest of the BMW employees, my company’s crew and some BMW security guards.

One guard in particular tended to get into very argumentative debates with me, I believe to prove his intelligence is more developed than mine. This was in 1996 (just remembered because its relevant). We were preparing for the Olympic torch to come through town on its way to Atlanta, when I pointed out that the next Olympics (summer, I think) would be in Sydney, Australia. (Now I can’t even remember which ones were held in Sydney, so bear with me for the punchline.)

I wondered aloud to the group of people (mostly men) sitting around me, "Does that mean the next summer Olympics will be held in the wintertime here? Because the seasons are opposite in the Southern Hemisphere, right? So if it’s the summer Olympics, won’t they have to hold them in February in Australia? I thought this was a reasonable question, for one not familiar with the climate of Australia. (I didn’t know at the time that parts of Australia are similar to Florida in climate, so they could hold “summer” Olympics at whatever time of year is convenient.)

Genius Security Guard pipes up, “No, because Australia isn’t in the Southern Hemisphere?”

Wide-eyed and innocently, knowing better, I asked, “It isn’t?” (Thinking, pray tell, oh wise and powerful intelligent man. Please educate my dumb chick self.)

GSG goes on to spout about how he was in the Navy for so many years, and had done tours all over Australia, England, Greenland and so forth. And he’d been there, so he knew damn well that Australia is in the Northern Hemisphere. He was so convinced, he said it several times. A gleam of amusement began to appear in the eyes of the people standing around witnessing this exchange. His rant came to a stop and he looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to concede that, yes, I am a dumb chick and he is right, Australia must be in the Northern Hemisphere. Instead…

Wait for it…

Me: “Navy, huh? I hope you weren’t the navigator!”

And that was the last time that GSG condescended to have a conversation with this “dumb blonde.” :smiley:

100

I’m with my friend and supervisor at work going over a new windows application. The delete icon shows a garbage can. My supervisor looks at it and goes “What’s that supposed to be?” I go “A garbage can.” He goes “It looks like someone’s nipple!” I reply “Well, Oscar the Grouch has needs, too!”

Cracked him up for the next five minutes.

A month later, he’s showing me pictures of his time in Korea during the army. I see kind of a funny-looking guy and point him out. He says, “Hey, that’s my friend, Joey Rodriguez, and I’ll have you know that he named his first kid after me!” I look at him and quip, "What kind of life is that kid going to have going around with a name like “Assclown Rodriguez.”

He didn’t think that one was so funny.