In my AP Euro History class, we were favored with the presence of the school’s peppiest cheerleader. She was plagued with the typical stereotypes of cheerleaders, but pretty much confirmed them with her behavior - promiscuous, breast implants, wore short skirts or her cheerleader uniform every day.
She was also terminally perky and overhelpful. Not that helpfulness is a crime, but having a yappy miniskirted glob of fake tan lotion lunge at the teacher every time he needed a volunteer was getting old.
Well, anyway, our teacher needed somebody to “take these papers down to the business office.” Of course, he had an instant volunteer from the Society Of Girls Who Fell Off The Top Of A Human Pyramid Once Too Often. She snatches the papers and says, “I’ll do it! I’ll take them down! I’ll go down!”
I lean over to my friend Ali and say in a tone of great innocence, “I don’t see how her going down on ANYONE is going to help this situation.”
Basically, the Muslim equivalent of “kosher.”
I’m playing cricket. I’m bowling and have had the batsmen tied down for a while. One of the batsman’s teammates calls out from the hill, “Come on get a move on.” Before he can answer I call out, “I’m trying but this guy is unplayable!”
In a meeting at work my director is trying to give us a pep talk. She is telling us about the changes the executives plan to make. She is stressing that we should have faith in the executives’ plan. Like a gift from above she asks me do I have faith that the plans will work, so that I can say, “If, by faith, you mean blind unreasoning belief with absolutely no evidence to support it, then yes I have faith.”
In a clinical meeting discussing a patient’s family. One doctor says, “I believe the father is a politician.” Another doctor, flicking through the file says, “I thought he’s a carpenter.” I said, “I think you’re both right - he builds political platforms.”
As assistant to the chief interior designer, I pre-selected samples for upholsery on a commercial project while he schmoozed the client, a demanding busy power woman who whined about the half yard swatch of fabric he was pimping “Well, I still don’t know how it would look on a sofa…” My boss comanded me to
“Turn around and bend over, Soujourner.”
The last laugh was on him, as the project was for an obesity medical clinic.
There’s a really annoying girl in my class, during luch she tried to ask me a question with a mouth FULL of food. (in front of everyone)
Her: Did you Mnmfphmrphnnpmhh?
Me: * I dont speak MORON sorry.*
Hilarity ensued…
I was on a trip with a group of friends and one of my female friends was cold. Being the galant guy he was, another friend wrapped his arms around her to help keep her warm (I’m sure that was his only reason). After a while he let go and there was kind of an awkward pause. The boy says, “Hmm, I wonder what you’re supposed to say after that?” I pipe in with, “Was it good for you?” Somehow it was funnier at the time…
This one wasn’t me, but I heard it on TV the other morning. I live in a tiny town near a small-ish city, and there is this one morning show we watch every morning. The hosts get a guideline of what they’re supposed to say, but it’s mostly improv. Yesterday one of the assignments was to drive a $90,000 red corvette convertable that was being given away for a charity lotto. Someone commented that the male host was dressed up. He replied: “Yeah, when you drive a car like that, you’ve gotta wear a tie. maybe only a tie, but a tie all the same”