Anonymous drunk asshole, Chicago Bears game, Memorial Stadium, Champaign, Illinois, 2002
My absolute favorite line to use when somebody says they’ll try their best, delivered in my best Sean Connery:
“Your ‘best?’ Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”
Clerks had this memorable exchange:
*
[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]*
‘Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
*Randal Graves: *Yeah, what’re you looking for?
‘Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
*Randal Graves: *Uh, once second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.
‘Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: 'Kay.
Randal Graves: What’s it called again?
‘Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
‘Happy-Scrappy’ Kid: Happy Scrappy!
‘Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: She loves it.
*Randal Graves: *Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?
Dante Hicks: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
Customer with Diapers: In a row?
From Pulp Fiction:
Jimmie: No, No, No, No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain’t seen no…
Jimmie: Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: [pause] No. I didn’t.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn’t see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: 'Cause it ain’t there, 'cause storing dead niggers ain’t my fucking business, that’s why!
Boo for omitting obscenty; I believe the quote is, “…the goddamned common courtesy…”
The proper clerks quote for this thread is when Dante, duly shocked by the revelation that his girl is a cockhound, rushes to the door after she storms out and screams, “TRY NOT TO SUCK ANY DICK ON YOUR WAY THROUGH THE PARKING LOT.” (paraphrased)
A nominee from the world of print-
-Text of a letter received by Abraham Lincoln, November 25, 1860 (And the first listing under “Invective” in my Giant Book of American Quotations.) Unfortunate context, but I believe it inspired, and at 28/44 words being obscene, a 64% rate, a record.
One of my all-time favorites, from ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen in Heller’s Closing Time, speaking with Milo Minderbinder about Yossarian’s possible objection to a plan of theirs to fleece the government on a stealth bomber contract:
“He might object.”
“Then fuck him,” said Wintergreen. “Let him object. We’ll ignore the fuck again. What the fuck! What the fuck fucking difference does it make if the fuck objects or not! We can ignore the fucking fuck again, can’t we? Shit.”
“I wish,” said Milo, “you wouldn’t swear so much in the nation’s capital.”
Closing Time didn’t achieve anything like the glory of its predecessor, Catch-22, but Heller’s gift for dialogue still shines through. Pure gold, that one. 
Wow. So there were brain-dead, uncreative flamers even in 1860.
Team America, drunk guy in bar to Gary, and reprised by Gary later on in order to save the day:
“Well, being a dick ain’t so bad. See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything. So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn’t fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!”
From the 1997 movie "Addicted to love:
Maggie: You know Sam, French men are very small.
Sam: Yeah?
Maggie: But not this guy. It’s like Godzilla’s tail! He could take down Tokyo with that thing!
Maggie: The only way that girl is coming back to you is if a blast of semen catapults her across the street and through the window.
Anton: I like a man who fights for what he wants. But if you ever mess with me again, I’ll rip out your eyes and rape your skull. Excuse my French.
More fun from J&SBSB:
Uh, can someone explain what this means?
From Citizen Ruth:
Ruth’s Mother (on stage at an anti-abortion rally): Ruth, you listen to me! Don’t you do it! What if I’d aborted you?
*Ruth (from the crowd) *: Well at least I wouldn’t have had to suck your boyfriend’s cock!
Ruth’s Mother: Don’t you bring that up again! That’s ancient history! I’ve been saved!
Ruth: Fuck you!
…and the immortal:
Ruth: Suck the shit out of my ass, you fucker!
I came in here to post this. Amazing scene in a horrible horrible movie.
Wintergreen’s not a PFC anymore? But he loved being a PFC! PFCs get respect!
Dude, you forgot the great closer to this. Instead of fighting with the boyfriend, Ryan Phillipe decks Sarah Silverman. The majority of Way of the Gun may have been stupid, but the parts that were good were fan-fucking-tastic.
He was ex-PFC Wintergreen all throughout Catch-22 IIRC.
I can’t believe no one has mentioned anything from South Park yet. I like:
“You are a boner-biting dick-fart fuckface!”
And of course:
If I remember later I’ll look through my set of Preacher paperbacks. There are some doozies in there.
From Adaptation:
“I just got shot! Isn’t that fucked up?”
Yeah, no shit-
Yeah! YEAH! Um… huh?
If Pyle is properly motivated, he will be whipped into shape. Since Pyle will no longer be obese, cannibals on the Congo will be very disappointed at the loss of this prize specimen. So much so that they will lose their current gluttony-inspired erections.
I can’t remember where I hear this one, but it’s one of the most … interesting … threats I’ve ever heard.
“Me and him are going to poke two holes in your neck and bump dicks in the middle!”