Swimming RIDDLES. Pimples? Sheesh. I’m hurt. 
Let’s see, I haven’t been a maiden in 8 years, I won’t be a mother for another 2 or 3 years, so then I must be…
A hag!
Sign me up, ladies!
Hey Green Bean? Being as I’m an intensely curious Hag…may I ask who was the second opinion you used to classify my picture? Not that I mind being a Beautiful Hag. Not at all. 
Hello again, Haggies!
Elthia OH: How did I get your picture? I clicked on that little button that looks like a red house that you’ll find at the bottom of your posts. Funny how that works. [sarcasm: off. sorry! couldn’t resist.]
Falcon: Who did I call in to evaluate your photo as I was quivering on the floor with flashbacks to my freshman year? Why, I called my handy dandy man-about-the-house. Otherwise known as my dear husband.
Time for the administrative updates:
Standard Disclaimer: I will try to get to everything. If I miss something, then let me know!
INDUCTIONS
Silo CH: What the hell kind of an application was that? You’re in, fer gosh’s sakes! Please don’t send me a picture of your “weenie.” p.s. Boys’ Auxiliary, emphasis on the “Boy.”
Sweet Basil CH: Welcome to the wonderful world of the Hags. You shall be a member of the Boys’ Auxiliary.
Hamadryad CH: Your post count may be low, but your application was thorough. Welcome to the Hags. In honor of your kids (hey, you made me look at 'em!) you shall be in the category The Cute. p.s. Even a “deadly Thread Killer” can’t kill this one. : )
Mr. Cynical CH: Your photo makes you look like you have vitiligo. If you do, in fact, have vitiligo, sorry. You’re a cutie anyway. This is your official induction into the Hags. You are now no longer a Hag-to-be. Glad to have you in The Boys’ Auxiliary.
The Scarlet Pimpernel CH: I look forward to seeing what you look like. For now, you shall be a Hag in the classification The Uncategorized. How’s the weather over there?
Athena CH: I’m straight as a 2 x 4, but I’ve gotta say, if I was ever gonna swing the other way, I’d do it for you! Wool sox and a campfire? I’m there! You shall be in the category The Sexy.
psycat90 CH: You’re in. You’re Gorgeous. Where you been? When you coming back to NYC? Email me, willya?
Esprix CH: You shall be categorized in the Fag Hags, of course!
monster CH: Well, now! Yer jes’ the cutest li’l monster I ever did see! I’m sure some of the Boys Auxiliary will be inviting you to hide in their closets. (hmmm…funny that I said that right after Esprix’s induction…) You shall be a member of The Cute.
Kricket CH: Welcome to the Hags, Mistress Kricket! You have an ethereal beauty, so you shall be a member of The Beautiful
pluto CH: You have many excellent qualifications. You shall be an official member of The Boys’ Auxiliary. I enjoyed seeing the picture of your plutino. But are you sure you’re related?
Beadalin CH: You may not post much, but I can tell you that I noticed and enjoyed your posts from the start. Please accept this invitation to join The Gorgeous.
ChrisCTP: We would be honored to have you as a Hag. You shall be categorized as The Beautiful.
Suo Na CH: Thank you for the lovely photo. You shall be a Gorgeous Hag. But who’s the chick?
RE-CATEGORIZATIONS
Rachelle CH: You sure are one Beautiful Hag! You shall no longer be Uncategorized. And stop going away from the board for the weekend! You really need to get your priorities straight, missy!
APPOINTMENT OF OFFICERS
New Appointees:
phouka OH: Hagiographer
Silo CH: Troll Catcher
Nacho4Sara OH: Cocktail Waitress
Sweet Basil CH: Cabana Boy
JimB CH: Lawn Care Specialist
Mr. Cynical CH: All Around Nice Guy
CanadianSue FM: Nasty Needleworker
SwimmingRiddles OH: Swiddler
pluto CH: The Dark Lord
Hamadryad CH: Moloster
Saxface OH: Psychic
Athena CH: The HHH’s Lesbian Love Interest
If you have any further nominations (self-nominations are welcome), please post them.
PARTIAL APPLICATIONS
WallyM7: Where o Where did our Wally go?
UncleBeer: Why do you keep hanging around? Are you some kind of weird stalker? If so, please submit an application immediately. We have an unfilled officer position for a Weird Stalker.
Poysyn: I do not understand your statement. Please clarify.
** Calredic**: You seem to be fitting in quite well with this haggle of hags. Why don’t you apply so we can make it official?
** saucy potato**: You can be uncategorized until you can produce a photo. Submit your qualifications, please!
A MOST PRESSING ISSUE–UPDATE
I have received a lot of input on the question of: “What does one call a group of Hags?” The votes seem to be about evenly split between “a haggle of Hags” and a “haggis of Hags.” I get the deciding vote, of course.
A group of Hags shall be called A Haggle of Hags.
Consolation Prize
Haggis has been declared the official food of the Hags of the Straight Dope. I was going to request that our chef (Ukulele Ike CH) whip us up a batch. I looked it up in my Webster’s to find out exactly what it was. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that haggis is “a Scottish dish made of the lungs, heart, etc. of a sheep or calf, mixed with suet, seasoning and oatmeal and boiled in the animal’s stomach.” Yecch! So, how 'bout we make haggis our symbolic official food and order out for a pizza?
MEMBERSHIP LIST OF THE HAGS OF THE STRAIGHT DOPE Revised 11:30 pm, May 15, 2000
(I apologize in advance for any misspellings or miscapitalizations of usernames)
“FM” designates a founding member.
“OH” designates an Original Hag
“CH” designates a Certified Hag
Founder/President/CEO: Green Bean FM
The Gorgeous:
techchick68 OH
SwimmingRiddles OH
aenea OH
Drain Bead OH
single files OH
Jeannie CH
jjjfishe CH
psycat90 CH
Beadalin CH
Suo Na CH
The Beautiful
blueslady FM
CanadianSue FM
ultress FM
Nacho4Sara OH
SaxFace OH
Ruffian OH
h_thur OH
Blue Twylight CH
elelle CH
Falcon CH
Sassy CH
TVeblen OH
Rachelle CH
Kricket CH
ChrisCTP CH
The Cute
Green Bean FM
phouka OH
mega the roo OH
pepperlandgirl OH
peaches8 OH
ThisYearsGirl CH
TaleraRis CH
A girl CH
purplebear OH
MoosieGirl CH
Hamadryad CH
monster CH
The Sexy
Elthia OH
TopazAntares CH
Shayna CH
Cristi CH
Diane CH
zyada CH
Girlbysea OH
Athena CH
The Uncategorized
dragonlady OH
Shirley Ujest OH
learae OH
AuntiePam OH
Kat CH
tatertot CH
The Scarlet Pimpernel
The Boys’ Auxiliary
SingleDad OH
weirddave OH
SanibelMan CH
RTFirefly CH
Ukulele Ike CH
Democritus CH
casdave CH
London Calling CH
JimB CH
Billdo CH
Silo CH
Sweet Basil CH
Mr. Cynical CH
pluto CH
The Fag Hags
Esprix CH
The Pending
AmyJohn OH
jesjam901 OH
Turpentine OH
Please tell me if there have been any errors or ommissions. Thanks.
Yours in Hagginess,
Green Bean
Oh, Mistress Green Bean, nobody has every described me like that. Sorry for the gushing in awe, but that was very uplifting!
I will do you all proud, now I want to join Cristi, Uncle Beer and Elelle until we have to get down to some serious business. I usually get to bring the Hooters Hot Wings!
Of course, RTF! I knew you were kidding me. Heck, did you think I’d forgotten that wonderful foot rub you gave me over in the Flirting1 thread? Not likely, to be sure! 
But, my response fit with yours, didn’t it?! 
JimB, ROFL! I loved it! You can rub my various parts any time you like… Ummmm, within reason, of course. Hi, Mr Bear. I didn’t see you standing there.
Nacho4Sara, dear. I already said I was the resident flirt. Tell you what, we can both be resident flirts, if it’s ok with our esteemed Grand High Poohbah. What say you, Mistress Green Bean?
Oh, and Green Bean, I liked your comment better the first time! We can hang out with whoever the heck we want!
[Beaker scans list. Scans it again. Then a third time. Suffers horrible flashback to her Drama class in high school]
I’ve been cut!!!
Greenbean, I had heard a rumor that I was going to be listed under The Cute. Unfortunately, I then rushed out and had new business cards printed up. Did I jump the gun? 
Well, if I were to get back into your good graces would you add me back to the list? Just say the word, and I’ll jumpstart Operation: Suck-up.
Though, if you decide to show mercy and add me without any kissing up on my part, yet don’t want to add me to The Cute (it was a grainy ID photo after all) then I’d be willing to be listed under Fag Hag.
Your humble Hag wannabe,
Beaker
I sent you a picture to help in determining my proper hag status should I be accepted. I usually wear make-up but I figured I may as well send you the real me.
If further proof is needed to qualify me for hagginess, I submit:
–I once borrowed a pen from the bank and found it in my purse a week later. I didn’t return it.
–When I was a little girl, I told my neighbor that my mom was inside reading a dirty book. She was reading the National Inquirer or Star Magazine and even at my age I knew that was a dirty book.
–I played a trick on the custodian at work by putting a Baby Ruth candy bar in the toilet and then not flushing. One another occasion I found a rat trap and put a large squirrel puppet (my apologies to TalkinSquirrel) in it by the neck and told the custodian I heard noises in the kitchen.
I’ll take it and donate my salary towards the purchase of bathroom cameras.
Hello and good morning!
purplebear CH You may flirt all you like! How could we have such a large haggle of Hags and only one flirt?
[whisper] Ooh! Mr. Bear! Stop it. She’ll hear us! tee hee tee hee tee hee[/whisper]
beaker xf CH Please accept my humble apology. It was simply a paperwork error. You are Hag in good standing! The error will be corrected in the next list.
Grace Consider yourself a Hag-to-be. I will confer full Hag status in the next update.
UncleBeer You are now a Hag-to-be. You may commence your Weird Stalker duties immediately.
Well, Hags, I have a gigantic paper to write today. Pluto CH will either be pleased or terrified to know that it is on Central Park. Wish me luck, and I’ll see you later!
First of all… thank you for categorizing me as a Beautiful Hag!! My boyfriend will be very pleased. Next, I beg forgiveness from our fearless leader!! It really wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t able to get on the board last weekend… Saturday was K-State’s graduation and I simply had to attend so I could see my best friend walk across the stage and be honored for 5 years of going to school, taking care of a husband and two kids and working part time! WAY TO GO REBECCA! And Sunday was Mother’s Day and I spent it with my boyfriend and my children!!
I promise that this weekend I will be available (for a few hours at least) to hang with our Haggle of Hags!
One more little thing. I was first Un-Categorized as and Original Hag and now I am a Certified Hag??? What gives??
Have a great day everyone!!
You might think vitiglio was the culprit, but you’d be mistaken.
I have the unusual ability to reflect as much flash as is possible whenever a picture is taken. I would go so far as to say that any picture ever taken of me will be washed out, no matter what.
Yay! I’m in the club!
<Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer hat on>
I’m cute!!! She thinks I’m cute!!!
YEA!!!
<Hat off>
My apologies–'twas a careless error. You are definitely an Original Hag. It’s fixed for the next update.
Whoohooo! I’m sexy. I’m a sexy hag! Yipppeeee!
Thanks for the promotion: JimB CH: Lawn Care Specialist. I’ll get right to work on that lawn.
::: Takes off tee shirt & tosses it aside :::
::: Waits for the oooo’s & aaahh’s to subside :::
If anyone wants a rubdown, foot massage or, uh, anything before RT shows up, I’ll be out back.
Jim
A founding member and not an officer? <pout> No… It’s too late! I’ll just sit here off to the side with y’all ignoring me.
Green Bean wrote:
Woo hoo! Mama always said I’d grow up to be somethin’ someday! Yee haw!
OK, now, ladies, we need to seriously talk about some of your wardrobe choices - line up, count off, and accessorize, accessorize, accessorize!
Esprix
:::::::ack::::::::
I am having flashbacks of “Guy Stuff”
I love artichokes!
< plops on a chair, thinking about eggs benedict and bacon >
Methinks someone has written herself a new sig… Hey Esprix: animal print purses. Chic in a I-can-slay-leapards-with-the-flash-of-my-Visa kind of way, or tres’ 5 minutes ago?