Fortune favors the bold.
Threads like these are far more interesting than “TEH CUTE SNEAKER WEARING GRRL” kinds of threads.
My opinion (for what it’s worth); I think you said it perfectly yourself when you said this;
[quote/We have all kinds of things in common and I would like to date her, but <snip> I was CLEARLY the rebound guy and I don’t want to muscle in on the new freedom that she is obviously glad to have. I’ve been down the same road and know how she feels.[/quote]
If a guy had said that to me, it would have come across perfectly. I would have felt non-trapped and non-pressured (big deals for me), and I also would have felt excited at the possibility of a relationship when I had recovered from the break-up. Sort of something to look forward to for the future.
I agree that you shouldn’t come into a discussion with her with it all rehearsed in your head. The one thing you should be sure about is what you want from her. Do you want a friendship, a relationship, a true love, a snuggle-buddy, or what exactly? Then, when you talk to her, you will be able to tell her what you want, and she will be able to give you her reaction to it.
Also, you might want to express to her that laying off a hot-and-heavy relationship for awhile is for her own good, if that’s what you decide you want. If you want it to last, I think you’re thinking about it just the right way; there’s plenty of time for the two of you to get together once she’s got her feet under her again, and she knows that you will be there once she’s ready.
And last but not least, don’t listen to what “everybody” is telling you. This is between you and her, not all your friends.
There you go. My advice. Live long and prosper, my friend.
Excellent, because that’s just about exactly what I’m going to say.
That’s slightly less excellent, as it’s really a little from each column. What I’d really like is for us to just be together, whatever that entails or however serious it may get. If she’s ‘the one,’ I am not afraid of what may come, but I can’t really shoot for anything until I know how we work out together as a couple.
First off, welcome.
Second, I’m going to give you a different perspective. The phrase “it’s been a long time coming” would be exactly what I would use if I had met a guy I was attracted to, spent some time getting to know and finally decided was worth tossing over my boyfirned for the better guy. It makes it sound like you had been having problems, tried to work them out, didn’t, came to terms with it and now are over it and ready to move on.
And then I would take my cool friend out and get his ass drunk.
It gives her an out in case the chemistry wasn’t really there or you rebuffed her. “I was drunk.” That is obviously not the case so I would expect your little talk to go very well…as long as you make it clear that you’re all for it but worried about her state of mind. (Because as soon as you say anything about having a “talk” she’s going to think you’re going to take the “We were drunk” route. )
Yeah, I think she planned it. You lucky dog.
I don’t know what you’re worried about; you’re doing an excellent job of expressing what you’re feeling and expecting. You’ve just described “relationship” here, in my opinion. I think she will be lucky to have a guy as articulate as you are (well, in writing, anyway. :)).
Sue: That’s a spicy meatball and now you’ve got me thinking. She was really insistent that we go out that night after a miscommunication screwed up our plans the night before. She’s not usually like that at all and I even remember thinking, “what’s the big deal about this,” as I was agreeing to take my cellular with me if I went out before we talked again. Wouldn’t it be something if you’re right?
featherlou: Sincerely, thank you. I hope she agrees.
featherlou, you said, what I was trying to point out.
Stainless, you express your thoughts so cleary to us… and it just seemed soooo odd to me that you came here first, instead of telling her what you shared here.
I have no idea why you wouldn’t have shared your geniune thoughts and feelings with her, even by now.
wishing you well…
Seriously, Stainless, go talk to her already!
I don’t think that you are being snarky at all. No worries.
I guess that what I am getting at is that, as social beings, my belief is that humans are a hell of a lot more intuitive about knowing how others will react to a given social situation than is commonly supposed.
That being the case, I would venture to guess that not only do you have a pretty good idea how you feel about this person, but also you have a pretty good idea as to how she will react if you express those feelings (or don’t).
To put this another way (and more expressive folks have done so already) Talk to Her! naturally, we are all very interested in hearing the outcome, and wishing you well.
Lots of good advice here. I just wanted to add that you need to remember that it’s ok to fuck this up a bit. You’ve got a strong basis fora good relationship here: there are probaly half a dozen paths you could take to the same place and they’re all good. Don’t feel like you have to say the exact right magic words or the whole thing will blow up: you’re buddies, you’re lovers, you know each other, even if you fumble the ball a bit, she’ll catch it.
I want to reiterate what ** featherlou** said: it’s important that you know what it is you want, and that you aren’t shy or evasive about it: if you give a long talk about not being too serious “for her own good” and “because you know that’s what she really wants”, what she may here is “I don’t want a serious relationship but I am too chickenshit to admit it to you, so I am acting like it is for your own good.”
Lastly, trust her to know herself. It’s ok to say “I have concerns that I’m the rebound guy and that you want to spread your wings and play fora while, and I’m cool with that”. But remember that you don’t know her better than she knows herself, and if she says back “No, this isn’t a rebound thing, I worked through all my rebound issues in the dying gasps of my relationship with what’s-his-name. I’m serious about you and about this relationship,” well, then, trust her. I, myself, find men telling me what they know I feel and refusing to believe me if I tell them otherwise ot be really annoying.
Good luck.
Ahh thanks ** Stainless**.
I tend to think that we talk things to death these days rather then trusting our gut feelings.
When I was began dating again, I found that very little annoyed me more than being asked the following questions after the third or fourth date:
Where is this going? Nowhere-fast
What do you want from our relationship? Uhh dinner and sex will be fine, thank you!
How do you feel about me?Well, I kinda liked you until you started asking me stupid questions
One of the things that impressed me the very most about Mr. Z was his ability to trust what he felt without overanalyzing it.
Hi again everyone,
This will probably be my last update on this topic. Last night, I attempted “the talk” and her disinterest in discussing this at all was so completely evident that there is no way I’m bringing it up again. Then, she spent the night once more, complete with more cryptic little comments like what I mentioned in the original post. Needless to say, I get the point.
Long story short, it appears that I am the guy who she’s going to do until she meets someone better. I admit that I am pretty disappointed at this result, but can’t really play the victim either, as I am doing nothing to curtail our little sleep-overs. More than anything, it’s just frustrating to again find someone who likes me but doesn’t care about me, if you know what I mean. At least this time I know it from the beginning, for whatever that’s worth.
So, I guess it’s just ‘friends with benefits,’ and, despite the bitter tone of this post, I am having fun too. I am aware that my saga kind of paints this young lady in a mildly unflattering light, but it’s really not justified. She’s proved her character to me on a few occasions and I like the fact that my apartment smells like her today. In addition, she has never been secretive about preferring to demonstrate her feelings instead of talking about them and that’s exactly what she does. I’m the same way, which is why I had such trouble even broaching the subject.
I thank you all once more for your advice.
Stainless
Well, don’t worry about it and have lots of fun, then. Best wishes to you both.