The Kill Time at Work on Friday Joke Thread

Okay, here’one I got from a friend earlier today:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Got any others?

walking along a river.
After a while, she looks across and sees her best friend, also a blonde, fishing on the other side. She’s drinking a few beers, kickin back, having a good time.
The first blonde wants to join her. She looks up the river and down the river. Can’t see any way to cross. So she yells across, “HEY!! How do I get on the other side?!!”
Second blonde gets a confused look on her face, lookin up
and down the river, getting a little angry. Finally she yells back across, “You ARE on the other side!!!”

Very nice Gazoo. :slight_smile:

Okay here’s mine,

Will You Still Need Me?

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday
evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Bernie,
the older, had been having problems remembering what
cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Maury says to Bernie, “You
did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all.
Why is that?”

Bernie replied, “Why ever since my wife sent me to that
memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”

“Memory school? What memory school?”

Max thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s
red with thorns? A really pretty flower? Romantic, ya, know?”

“A rose?”

“Yeah… that’s it!” Bernie turned and yelled to his wife,

“Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent
me to?”
And just for Serendipity’s sake,

What’s the difference between a tiger and a well dressed man?

A well dressed man wears a three-piece suit, and a tiger just pants.

:smiley:

Being old means…

When your sweetie says, “Do you want to go upstairs and screw?” and you answer, “You’ll have to pick one or the other.”

Billy goes to visit his grampa at the old folks’ home. He finds a bunch of old fogeys sitting on the porch. One of them calls out, “43!” All the old guys start laughing.

“Grampa, what’s so funny about ‘43?’”
“Well, Billy, we’ve all been here so long, we know all each other’s jokes, so we just numbered them to save time.”

Another old guy calls out, “12!” There’s polite but restrained laughter.

“Grampa, why didn’t they laugh so much for that one?”
“Oh, well, Lou just never learns. He can’t do an Italian accent worth a damn.”

Another old guy calls out, “147!” Pandemonium erupts. Old geezers are laughing and wheezing and falling out of their chairs, clutching their pacemakers and knocking over chairs, they’re laughing so hard.

“Grampa, why was that one so funny?”
“Never heard it before.”

Fred, an elderly gentleman goes to visit another elderly couple (George and Rita) for dinner. All through the dinner, George calls his wife Sweetie, Honey, Dear, etc. After dinner, Fred leans towards George and tells him how sweet it is that they’re still so in love, and he is so gracious to his wife of 55 years. George replies “I have to call her something. I forgot her name 15 years ago.”

Fred is relaxing in his nursing home one evening, when Marge from down the hall gets a little het up and starts running around with nothing but a housecoat on, and flashing everyone and yelling “Super Sex! Super Sex!” Marge flashes Fred, and he responds “I think I’ll take the soup.”
(pretty much have to say that one out loud for it to make sense)

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, but how do you get them in there?

Why don’t Mennonites have sex standing up? Because it might lead to dancing. (Ba dum pa)

(Nobody said they wanted GOOD jokes…)

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the
Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!” The
Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

“C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!” say the firemen to the Redhead. “Oh
no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead. “No! It’s
Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!” “OK,” says the
Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and
the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the
Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, “Jump!
You have to jump!”

“No way! You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.

“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!”

“Look,” the Blonde says. “Nothing you say is gonna convince me that
you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is
put the blanket down, and back away from it…”

This one is hilrious!

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks
home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more
time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
“SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
“What makes you say that?”
“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”

Why did the Amish girl get pregnant?

She had too many Mennonite…

::slinks away::

Q What do men and carpets have in common?

A Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years. :smiley: