Hey Leaffan…hoping your Christmas was nice and wondering how it went telling your mother.
Yeah because a mod warning is totally what you should be worrying about right now instead of the gigantic problem in front of your face.
I meant exactly what I said.
How exactly is stating that “You neglected to keep an eye on your family finances also” a dipshit asinine comment? It’s an absolute truth. You weren’t watching what was going on with your money and that IS irresponsible to yourself AND your children. Two working adults and the electricity gets cut off twice in the past four months?
And if by the following comments, this is how you view trust, you really need a new dictionary. This is how you define “surreptitiously”? You seriously did not see unpaid bills coming? No financial issues at all? Are you for real? This is the woman you “entrusted” to pay the bills, in your own words:
*a depressed, despondent, self-absorbed poor excuse for a human for years * (post 25)
This is the kind of free-wheeling spending shit I’ve been going through for 15 years (post 26)
*She has no ability to understand basic principles * (post 26)
has literally single-handedly fucked me on my credit rating without my knowledge (post 26)
She can’t seem to plan ahead by more than a few days, which is why the financial situation really sucks here (post 148)
In fact , going back 10 years that’s been the cause of many, many problems (post 148)
We both make decent money, that gets whisked away into an account I don’t have access to, to pay the bills, which get paid late all the time (post 148)
*Electricity has been cut off twice in the last 4 months and I’ve had to bail us out with my corporate Amex * (post 148)
We currently have no phone, because she’s ran up the long distance bill and says we can’t afford to pay it right now (post 148)
*It’s a financial clusterfuck and has been for years * (post 148)
So, according to you, her not paying this particular bill was completely unexpected and totally out of character, and totally out of line with her pattern of behavior for the last, what, 15 or so years??? Did I get that right? This was completely out of the blue and she not once, not ever, gave you a single reason to believe that all was not kosher with the bills and checkbook.
Your anger is “boiling over” at the wrong person. I’m not responsible for any of the above. The two of you are.
As an adult, you have a responsibility to know what, where and when your money is going. How much time does it take to sit down and review the finances together every month, even if your wife is “entrusted” to pay the bills? 10 minutes? 15 minutes?
Is that too much to ask of yourself to make sure that you are not getting fucked up your financial ass? Apparently so.
Good luck. You really need it.
Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it. I’m now suddenly much more enlightened and realize I’m to blame.
ETA: Why do you think were getting fucking divorced now anyway? You think that the sudden revelation of unpaid bills might have reached the tipping point?
Thanks Rhiannon.
Unfortunately I never got a chance to sit down with mum: way too busy and now she’s gone. I now have the decision to discuss this over the phone, or wait a bit and go visit her for a weekend in January or February and tell her in person.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do. This has been coming for sometime now, and there really is no immediate rush to run out and tell her or anyone else. There’s still time as we work our way through all this real estate and separation stuff.
Cheers.
Four whole days, and you ‘never got a chance’?
For something that seemed so important to you, you sure have a funny way of prioritising.
Yup. That’s me. I’m so selfish that I decided to not wreck anyone elses holiday with my issues. I’m such a jerk.
Yeah right. Because they’re just your personal issues that don’t involve any one else in the family.
Procrastinate, much?
Leaffan,
I know it’s hard and I feel for you. Yours is a path that has indeed been well travelled.
I am only popping in to caution you about providing too much information in a public forum. Though I don’t see how anything you may might hurt you, I am not a lawyer by trade and there may be things said that could make your life even harder down the road.
I advocate caution in your remarks sir. I fervently hope I am wrong, but I would hate to find out later I was right. All of this will pass and a post mortem when it’s wrapped up can happen any time.
Open discussion of plans and intents is never a good idea.
Good luck, sir.
Thank you. Point taken.
Who else do they involve exactly? Would my mum and sister benefit from being told this fact now, as opposed to a week or two? As my niece’s boyfriend from Sweden is present?
I don’t get why you’re trying to beat up on me for thinking of others, but I suppose that’s the wonderful world of anonymous internet message board anonymity. Come walk a mile in my shoes please.
Well, gosh, I don’t want to kick a man while he’s down. So I’ll just wish you good luck in completing your divorce, making sure your kids are settled in a new place, resurrecting your credit score, and relaying the news to your friends and family. All are going to be difficult tasks, ones I don’t envy.
If you want honest, tough advice, you’ve come to the right place. If you want love and support, you’ll undoubtedly find better with some good friends.
Very well put. I can take the criticism from anonymous strangers because you have no idea what I’ve endured over the years.
My friends do know. I’m meeting with a good buddy tomorrow.
Thanks.
Some folk like to get everyone involved in their divorce as soon as possible and as deeply as possible – that way as many as possible can enjoy whipping up bad feelings. The more friends and family involved, the more supporters, and the more supporters, the bigger the spectacle.
Glad to see that you are not into this sort of behavior, and that you keep it in perspective. Don’t mind 6Impossible.
I’ll never understand kicking someone while they’re down, but then again, this is the Dope. Anyway, Leaffan, I’ve been reading along all this time and just want to wish you a happier and better new year. Things will improve so much when you move on from this stage of your life. It will be like a weight lifted off you. Just give it some time. Hang in there and ignore the Nelly Negatives. Stuff happen a certain way when you feel your back is up. I’m sure when you start over, things will be different. Good luck!
Much appreciated, ma’am.
You’re right. There’s no real rush to tell anyone anything. I totally get deciding not to tell at Christmas. You’re certainly entitled to change you mind about that, despite what others may say. Maybe waiting until after the new year and things are more decided is best. Hopefully a good time presents itself and you don’t have to stress to much about finding the right moment.
What you now term as your ‘personal issues’ previously read as the current situation at home (i.e the divorce) which ultimately does involve people other than yourself. Seems to me that your whole idea over the Christmas break was to tell your mother about the situation face-to-face; and whether or not your wife should be involved in the initial discussion.
How the sister, and the niece’s Swedish boyfriend are suddenly factored in is anyone’s guess.
‘..in a week or two’ your mother will be 400 miles away again. Thought you didn’t want to broach this whole thing by phone.
I’m not trying to ‘beat up on (you)’ - you ask for opinions, you get 'em. As for the ‘anonymous’ accusation, I’d say the same thing to your face.
My impressions of you can only come from what you write. From that, I can only surmise a person who abnegates responsibility, and finds any reason to not take action on their own decisions (e.g changing the bank account, and talking with your mother).
I understand I’m not providing the sympathy and hugs you’re after, and I see you offer the same kind of indignant victim response to the valid points raised by LurkerinNJ.
Prior to Christmas I only saw two options for Leaffan: Tell Mom during the Christmas vacation, or tell her right before she left.
Not telling her at all during the vacation is actually a very good third option I hadn’t considered before.
It sort of just worked out this way: sometimes that happens. The first two options were what I was faced with, but really, option three “telling her later” seems like a better choice. My problems don’t need to spoil someone elses holidays.
Heck, it’s not like any of this was my choice to begin with, although in the long run divorce will probably be the best option for everyone.
(elses, else’s, elses’ - none of these pass the spell check…I’m going with elses.)
“Someone else’s” is correct.