The Make Me Laugh thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

So this guy was with his buddies at the bar one night, just drinking it up and having a great time. He checks his watch and realizes it’s almost 3 a.m.

“Shit,” he thinks to himself. “The wife is going to raise hell with me when I get home.”

So he says goodbye to his friends and starts walking home, trying to figure out how to get her to shut up about the whole thing. Suddenly, it dawned on him.

“If I go down on her before she can say anything and give her the best oral she’s ever had, she’ll forget about the whole thing. Perfect.”

So he walks into his dark house and upstairs into his dark room. He climbs under the bed covers and goes to work on her. Apparently she didn’t wash or something before going to bed, because it tastes and smells pretty godawful. So she finally orgasms and he walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He turns on the light only to find his wife sitting on the toilet.

He screams, “How the fuck did you get in here before me?!”

“Shhh,” she responds. “You’ll wake your mother. She’s spending the night!”
:eek: :eek: :eek: :smiley:

42

A carful of nuns is driving down the street when out of nowhere this little demon jumps onto the hood of the car. The nun who is driving starts swerving back and forth, trying to shake him loose, but he’s still hanging on, and has crawled up to the windshield. The nun in the passenger seat says “Turn on the wipers!” So the nun who is driving turns the wipers on, and the demon is flopping back and forth but still won’t let go. One of the nuns in the back seat says “Use the washer fluid! I just filled it with holy water this morning!” So the driver squirts the demon with the holy water washer fluid, and he howls in pain but is still hanging on. The other nun in the back seat says “I know! Show him your cross!” So the nun who is driving leans out the window and yells “Get the fuck off my car!”

43

Warning: this joke is really gross. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

How do you get a bunch of dead babies into a bowl?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

:eek: My goodness, that was disgusting.

44

So This Gorilla Comes Out Of Nowhere!!

45

A man is headed home one night after a long night of drinking. Because of his intoxication, he decides it’s probably best if he walks. Unfortunately, his walk takes him past the local cemetary, and being less than sober, he’s a little nervous. He tries desperately to tell himself that he’s being silly, and there is, of course, nothing to be afraid of.

All his efforts were rendered useless by the sudden appearance of a coffin standing in the middle of the road. He rubs his eyes (while swearing off those fruity drinks) but the coffin is still there. Resolutely, he walks past the coffin, and tries to ignore it. Unfortunately, the coffin begins to “hop” along behind him. Bump bump bump The man walk a little faster.

Bump bump bump The man is now jogging (albeit in a crooked line)

Bump bump bump

Finally the man breaks into an all-out run and races towards his house. He slams the door shut and locks it, but outside he can hear the distinct bump bump bump of the coffin making its way up the walk.

Panicked, he flees from the door just as the coffin crashes through. He runs up the stairs, praying that the coffin will be unable to follow, but his prayers fall on deaf ears. The coffin bumps up the staircase behind him. The man runs into the bathroom, which (of course) means he’s trapped. The coffin is bumping down the corridor bump bump bump so our poor crazed hero (who is now well beyond sober) grabs everything in sight and begins chucking it at the coffin.

He tosses a hairbrush; bump bump bump

He hurls the plunger; bump bump bump

He launches the toothpaste; bump bump bump

He fires a bottle of Robitussin; -

The coffin stopped.

46

A group of nuns are out bike riding. They haven’t been out in a while, so they’re all laughing and carrying on. The Mother Superior says,

“All right now ladies, calm down or I’ll put the seats back on those bikes.”

:eek:

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim. She says,

“Father, is it true that I’ll sink if you take your finger out?”

:eek:

A man is getting frustrated with his wife because she won’t give him any oral sex. One night they get into a huge fight about it, and she finally agrees to go down on him. So he drops trou and lays down on the bed. As soon as she puts it in her mouth, the phone rings. The husband answers. “Hello? Yeah she’s right here.” He holds the phone out for her and says,

“It’s for you, cocksucker.”

:eek:

A man and his wife have separate beds on opposite sides of the room. One night he gets a hard-on, so he says to his wife, “Come to daddy, honeybunch. Make whoopie with daddy. Daddy wuvs mommy.”

She sighs and starts walking across the room. On the way over, she trips on an area rug. He jumps out of bed and says, "Did mommy hurts her toessy woessies? Come to bed with daddy and he’ll make it all better.

So she gets in the bed and he fucks her hard. When he’s done she gets up to walk back to her bed, and she trips over the rug again. The husband says,

“Clumsy bitch.”

:eek:

I got a million of 'em. Remember, all in good fun, people. :smiley:

47

I heard this in HIGH SCHOOL (many years ago), and have never heard it since. It’s the only joke I can remember.

48

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn`t it?”

“Yes, it is,” the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.

“No thanks,” the man replies.

“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.

“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn`t it?” the boy starts off.

“Yes, it is,” replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we`ll play some catch.”

“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness”, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “Its dark in here, isnt it?”

“Don`t you start that shit in here now,” the priest says.

49

A man and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says,

“I thought we’d have sex tonight.”

The wife replies, “No, I’m too tired tonight.”

The husband says, “Is that your final answer?”

The wife says, “Yes, it is, thank you.”

The man says, “Ok, then, I’d like to phone a friend.”

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could
never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist
decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his
continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin’ dog that could walk on water. His
plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought
down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water,
retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, “What do
you think about that?”

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can’t swim, can he?

Man goes out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees his friend on the opposite bank.

“Oy” he shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”

Intelligent friend looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,

“You are already on the other side.”
Who’s calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
“Watt.”
“What is your name, please?”
“Watt’s my name.”
“That’s what I asked you. What’s your name?”
“That’s what I told you. Watt’s my name.”
A long pause, and then from Watt, “Is this James Brown?”
“No, this is Knott.”
“Please tell me your name.”
“Will Knott.”
Whereupon they both hung up.

50

The “Two-Cow” explanation of what makes:

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

51

I think this was from Churchill …

Lady: Sir, you are drunk!

His Reply: Yes, and you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.

52

Part 2
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was tied to the first monkey.

Part 3
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

53

So a penguin decides to go on holiday. For something really different, he chooses to go on a road trip through Arizona in August. Really different climate. Damn hot for a penguin.

Zooming down the highway, he sees steam coming from his engine. Dammit. So the penguin pulls into the first gas station he sees. The mechanic pops the hood and says “Hm, it may take awhile to figure this out. Why don’t you go have a coffee or something?”

The penguin goes into the diner (at last, air conditioning!) and feeling a little homesick for the cold Antarctic, he orders himself a great, big vanilla ice cream cone!

Okay, so not the wisest choice for an animal that has no opposable thumbs and a beak. But it was exactly what he wanted, even if he did get ice cream all over his little flippers, and all over his face. He heads back out the the parking lot, trying to wipe himself off with napkins.

The mechanic peeks out from under the hood and says, “Well… it looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no” said the penguin, “it’s just ice cream.”

.

No, it’s not original. Heard it form a friend, who heard it from a friend who…

54

Or you may have heard it in this thread…

See Post #29. :wink:

55

Strange… I went this thread already and didn’t see it.

Bummer. I remember this from back before my Doper days even.

sigh what a waste.

56

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks at him with a puzzled expression on his face. The duck screams “stop staring and help me get this thing out of my ass!”

and for some more duck-in-bar humor:

a duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks him his name and how his day was. “Oh, I’m Huey, and my day was great! I’ve been in and out of puddles, splashing around…fabulous!”

a second duck walks into the bar, and the bartender asks him the same question. “Oh, I’m Dewey, and my day was great! I’ve been in and out of puddles, splashing around…fabulous!”

a third duck walks in, and before the bartender can ask, it says “my name’s Puddles, and don’t even ASK me how my day was”

57

Our next-door neighbor’s dog likes to hang out in the corner of their (fenced) backyard which allows said doggy to see the front yard and road. Unfortunately, this corner is about fifteen feet from the windows of our spare bedroom. Last year, a friend and her child were visiting from out of town, and there was a lot of activity in that usually quiet and dark room. Apparently, Neighbor Doggy could see this, and so was barking. And barking. And barking. Well into the wee hours of the morning. I was wearing ear plugs and it was still bothering me. I was seriously considering going to knock on the neighbor’s door and wake them up (at 2:30am) and ask them to bring their dog indoors. My husband said he’d take care of it. He wanted to go out and see if the dog had a possum cornered or similar. He goes out and comes back about ten minutes later. The dog seems to have quieted down.

He’d gone out there and PEED on the neighbor’s (chain-link) fence! He figured the dog would be so busy sniffing and re-marking his territory that he’d stop barking. I laughed so hard, I fell off the bed.

The true horror? It worked.

58

One day a rabbit and a horse are playing around out in the field, and the horse falls into a well. The rabbit says “hang on I’ll get help” and comes back with his Mercedes and a rope. He throws down one end of the rope, ties the other end to his car, and says “grab on and I’ll pull you out” and he does.

The next day, the rabbit and the horse are playing in the field again, and this time the rabbit falls into the well. The horse squats over the well and says “grab on and I’ll pull you out” and he does.

The moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.

59

Two men are having a drink at a bar on top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the second man and says, “you know, the air around this building is really strange. You can jump right off the top, and by the time you hit the 40th floor the winds will whip you around and back inside the building.”

The second man says, “That’s impossible.”

“No it isn’t. Look, I’ll prove it.” And with that, the first man jumps off the building, falls to the 40th floor, floats around the outside and into an open window.

The second man stares in disbelief as the first man leaves the elevator and comes back into the rooftop bar. “I don’t believe it! How did you do that? It had to be a fluke.”

“Nope. Happens every time. Watch and I’ll show you again.” The first man leaps off the roof a second time, and again gets whisked around the building and back into a 40th floor window.

After the first man comes back onto the roof, safe and sound once again, the second man decides he has to try this little stunt. He leaps off the building and falls past the 60th floor … the 50th floor … the 40th floor …

the 30th floor …

the 20th floor …

the 10th floor …

SPLAT

At which point the bartender looks at the first man, shakes his head and says, “you know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

60

A man and his wife are getting ready for bed.

After she’s done putting on her nightdress, he comes upstairs to the bedroom with a glass of water and two painkiller tablets.

“What are those for?” his wife asks.

“For your headache dear” he replies.

“But I don’t have a headache” she says.
-“Gotcha!”