Two village idiots are out hunting, when they come upon a set of tracks.
“Lookee here! I found me some bear tracks!”
“No no no, you moron. Those are tiger tracks!”
“Bear tracks!”
“Tiger tracks!”
“Bear tracks!”
“Tiger tracks!”
Then the train ran over them.
This one?
A 32-year-old Haitian male walks into a bar.
He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, “My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can shit into a shotglass ten feet away.”
The bartender says, “Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?”
The Haitian says “Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it’s an ordinary duck.”
“You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork.”
“Of course.”
The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, “Either you’re the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you’re suffering from cerebral hemorrhage.”
The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, “I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to shit all over your bar and you’d laugh about it.”
The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of
A. Ceftriaxone
B. Erythromycin
C. Methicillin
D. Tetracycline
E. Vancomycin
Another one I just thought of:
An elderly gentleman has just been given his annual medical exam. The doctor indicates that things look pretty much okay for the most part, but due to his advanced age, he should quit having sex–as the strain on his heart could do him in.
He sadly goes home and reports this to his wife, and between the two of them they decide its best if he sleeps downstairs on the couch to avoid temptation.
After a few weeks of this, however, he can no longer stand being so deprived; and resigning himself to whatever fate may befall him, begins to ascend the stairs to the bedroom…and meets his wife halfway.
“Hi, honey,” he says softly, “I’m just coming up to die.”
“What a coincidence,” she responds, “I was just coming down to kill you.”
My favorite joke of all time:
Two guys go moose hunting. One sees the other from a distance and, thinking he sees a moose, raises up his gun. The other guy yells, “Don’t shoot me! I’m not the moose!” So the first guy shoots him.
The first guy runs over, but the second yelps, “Why did you shoot me? I told you I wasn’t the moose!”
The first slaps his head and says, “Ohhhhh. I thought you said you WERE the moose!”
:smack:
Old Man Jones goes in for a physical. He’s hard of hearing, so he asks his wife to accompany him. During the initial workup, the doctor tells him, “I’ll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample, Mr. Jones.” “Eh?” Mr. Jones asks his wife, “What’d he say?” Mrs. Jones yells, “He says he wants to check your underwear!”
A man goes in for a medical exam fearing the worst.
After getting the results back from his extensive work-up the doc calls to give him the news.
Afraid to hear bad news, the man hands the phone to his wife and asks her to take the call for him.
The doc reports to the wife that her husband is suffering from a rare ailment and unless he has sex on a daily basis it could actually be fatal.
After the wife hangs up the phone the husband anxiously asks what the doc had to say.
The wife looks at him and says, “He said your’re gonna die.”
:eek:
OK, real life is funnier. My daughter and I were going on a car trip and were just a few minutes from home when we got into the same discussion about why my car did not have 2 cup holders. I said for the umpteenth time that I needed to get one of those standard cup “hookers” that you can just hang on the window…or ask my husband for one as he probably has a bunch of them in the garage. Even planned to stop at a service station along the way and get a “hooker.” Giggle at said usage of “hooker”. Ha ha and all that. Then we discovered that we had forgotten to bring extra CDs and decided to turn around, go back by my house and grab some. She waited while I ran in, grabbed the CDs, then decided I should let my husband know it was me rambling around upstairs in the house. Just as I opened the door to downstairs I remembered we needed a cup holder. Totally forgetting that he had not been privy to our conversation in the car, I called down to him, “Hi honey, it’s just me…you don’t have a hooker down there, do you?”
:eek:
One I’ve always found inexplicably hilarious:
*Back in the 18th century, two members of the French aristocracy decide to take a ride in the country. After riding for a few hours they’ve become bored. The first aristocrat turned to the second and said, “I have an amusing idea. Let’s play a game. I’ll think of the biggest number I can and then you try to think of a bigger number.”
The second aristocrat agreed. They rode in silence for an hour and then the first one said, “Fifty four”.
They rode in silence for another hour and then the second one said, “you win”.*
I know; it’s not a great joke, although it’s funny in a subtle way. And there’s no reason why the two men are French aristocrats rather than some other more common stereotype. But for some reason whenever I think of this joke, I picture the two men dressed in big wigs and lacy coats talking in foppish French accents and it makes me laugh.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a hair between his teeth?
A gladiator. 
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don’t.
When is a good time to fake an orgasm?
When a pit-bull is fucking your leg.
This guy moves out to the country one day to go live on a farm. He goes to one of his new neighbors to find out what to buy to get started. “First you’ll need a hen,” says the farmer, “only in these parts we don’t call it a hen, we call it a pullet.” The new guy buys a hen and asks what else. The farmer replies, “You’ll also need a rooster, but we don’t call it a rooster, we call it a cock.” So the new guy picks out a rooster. “And to get around, you’ll need a mule, but we don’t call it a mule. We call it an ass. I’ve got one here that’s just right, but he has this habit of stopping in the middle of the road. When he does, just scratch him behind the ears and he’ll start back up again.”
So the new guy is off on his merry way headed for his new house. He has the rooster in one hand, the hen in the other, and is riding the mule. Suddenly the mule stops and just stands there. The man doesn’t have a free hand with which to tend to the mule, so he just waits. After about 20 minutes the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen comes walking down the road. She stops to ask, “Do you need help with anything?” And without thinking, the guy responds,
“Hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass.”
Similar vein: Little boy and little girl examining their respective equipment, the girl says “Wow, can I touch it?” The boy says “Heck no, you broke yours off already!”
My favorite geek joke:
Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
Lord, forgive me for telling this joke…
So this guy is sitting at the bar, carousing with his friends. He checks his watch and notices that it’s already 2 a.m.
“Holy shit,” he thinks to himself, "The wife is gonna raise hell with me when I get home.
So our hero starts walking home, trying to figure out how to shut her up.
“I’ve got it!” he thinks. “I’ll just crawl under the sheets and go right down on her before she can say anything. She’ll forget about the whole thing! Genius.”
So he walks into his dark house, and upstairs into his dark bedroom. He crawls under the sheets and starts going to town. Well, she must’ve not washed down there or something before going to bed, because it tastes absolutely awful. She climaxes, and he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He turns the light on in the bathroom only to find his wife there, sitting on the toilet.
“How the fuck did you get in here before me???” he screams.
“Shhh,” she says. “You’ll wake your mother! She’s spending the night.”
:eek:
The joke so nice, you told it twice! 
(See post 41)
Uhhhh…yeah…that was the joke, you see… yeah… :smack:
Think I’m go and spend 10 bucks on a jokebook.
A poor, young, but talented couple lived in a tiny, run down, walk-up. They had almost no money. Each day they look for work and find none.
One day, they stumble up the stairs, to find a well dressed gentleman waiting for them.
“I have sad news for you. Your great-aunt Bertha has passed away. I am her solicitor and I come with notice of your inheritance.”
The couple, being humble folk, thanked the man, but didn’t ask what the inheritance might be.
The next morning, the man, and a crew of 10 men arrive at their door.
“Where would you like the piano?” said the man.
There was very little room in the tiny flat, but, A Piano 
They both loved to play and were both very talented. After moving every stick of furiture out, the beautiful ebony grand was in their living room; and their dining room; and most of their bedroom.
The young wife touched the key. “Oh, what a sour note! We must have the piano tuned!” The husband looked sad, and said. “My darling, I wish we could, but we have no money.
Oh, but I met a wonderful man at the store today, who will tune it for free!”
So, Mr.Oppernokitti arrived with his tuning tools and tuned the beautiful piano.
Over the next several weeks, the couple played for anyone who would listen. Finally, a job offer! The best part, was it was a job playing piano!
They would be able to move into a comfortable place.
And so they did.
When they were settled, Of course, the piano needed tuning again.
But sadly, they couldn’t get another free tuning, because, you know,
Oppernokitti only tunes once.
Rules for posting in forums. I laughed. Hard.
Wha? The link is dead now… I’ll try and find it again. Apologies.